“I think”—he could hardly get out the words—“in two months…”
“In two months, did you hear that? Now you know everything. We’re all suffering. You think it’s only you but it isn’t. It’s a disgrace for us all, but what’s done is done…. What is it you want to know now?”
She tried saying something but I cut her short, though her Ups continued to move.
“What more do you want? What good does it do to be stubborn? Let him go back to America and we’ll all stay here with you. All of us. And you’ll be getting out of this hospital soon…”
I snatched the agreement lying on the table. Its pages were already creased and stained.
“What does Tsvi know about it? Kedmi has seen to everything. I’ve spoken with him. Just sign!”
She retreated from me with a movement of her brown dress. I turned the pages of the document until I came to the black line above her name at the end. I put a light, unsteady hand on her shoulder. Her smell.
“Are you going to sign?”
She shook her head.
“Why not?”
“I have to think.”
“What about?”
“What about?” father exclaimed after me.
She balked stubbornly, staring at us with suspicion.
“What about?” I shouted. “What about?”
Ya’el rose to restrain me.
“You know it’s all over with!” I cried, carried away with myself, as though it were my life, not his. “What is there still to think about, mother? But you, you have to know about the snow… the snow… he should tell you about the snow! And you”—I turned to father with senseless rage while he hung his arms limply with an embarrassed smile like a swindler caught in the act—“you actually start to tell her. I always knew that the two of you enjoyed it. Yes, enjoyed it! This eternal war of yours gives you pleasure. Knifing him, being sick, all your make-believe — there’s hidden pleasure in all of it. And you too, father. That’s why it’s gone on like this for so long. That’s why you keep beating around the bush. And Tsvi eggs you on. But Ya’el and I are sick of it, we’re so depressed we could die!” Ya’el, her cheeks burning, tried to stop me. “You used to drag me out of bed at night to judge between you. Well, I’m judging now. End it!”
Father grabbed me. “That will do! That’s enough.”
But I pushed him away, hearing my own steadily rising voice.
“What is there still to think about? Tell us. How much longer can you drag it out? Who has the time? Because there isn’t any… the time has run out. You wanted to kill him, what more do you still want from him? Why don’t you kill me too! Kill me! Go ahead and kill me!..”
Overcome by sadness. Her twisted face. Anger snagged on pity. My raised arm. A glance at the dirty curtain at the crazy faces there. I shut my eyes and strike my head here it comes I slap my face hard I drum on my chest with my fists a shudder of joy like desire swept up in the rhythm of it a yellowish light in Gaddi’s eyes turned quietly on me at last peace descends the dull pain in my chest now father is acting up too he’s caught my hysteria he stutters from anger he buries his face in his hands he shouts out loud he grabs hold of mother who’s risen from her chair do you see now do you see al! at once he kneels down before her with that terrible hatred of his Ya’el and I both rush to lift him from the bare concrete floor Ya’el shoves me away protecting him from me. Will he hit himself too?
“The child,” whispered mother, stony-faced and composed. “Just take the child outside.. why should he have to see it? You’ve done this on purpose… it’s all on purpose…”
Father and Ya’el pushed me outside while I dragged Gaddi after me. At once I was surrounded by the patients waiting by the door. They reached out to touch me, shook my hand, tried grabbing hold of Gaddi, who shrank against me. Had they seen me lay hands on myself and now come to give me their blessing? A washed-out, tormented-looking blonde accosted me and tugged at my shoulders. She stuck a finger in her mouth and shut her eyes. There was a babble of voices.
“A cigarette… Give her a cigarette…”
I took out a pack, which was snatched from me by the little old fellow. A bundle of energy, he nimbly pulled out the cigarettes and passed them out to the patients. A large gold lighter glittered in their midst. They bent over it, shielding the flame with their hands, getting down on all fours to fight the strong wind. At last a lit cigarette burned in each mouth. I too was given one. I hesitated before sticking its wet tip between my lips. I had no space to move. The old fellow clung to me, devouring me with his eyes.
“Are you taking her away from here?”
“Not today. Some other time.”
“Are you the son from Jerusalem?”
“Yes.”
The wind fanned the glowing cigarettes like little engines. The blonde leaned lightly against me, inhaling greedily.
“They won’t let you leave,” whispered a morose young man.
“Who won’t?”
The old fellow smiled an apology at me and derisively twirled a finger against his forehead. I noticed dry blood on my hands and felt my head. There was a scratch there that must have been made by my watch. A water faucet stood by the path but the long hose connected to it seemed to end nowhere. I licked the blood clean. Gaddi squeezed my hand, the locomotive still under his arm, his other hand working away inside his shirt.
“Does something hurt you, Gaddi?” I asked.
“My heart.”
“That’s not where your heart is.” I smiled. “Let me see.”
He slowly moved his hand toward his heart.
“They’ll arrest you at the gate,” said the morose young man.
“Shhh.” The old fellow hushed him with a smile. “No one will be arrested.” He tried driving the young man away.
“Your only chance is to escape through the hole,” the young man persisted.
“What hole?”
“Over there,” said the old fellow, pointing toward an overgrown corner of the fence.
“Over there…” echoed everyone, pointing in unison.
“That’s enough!” shouted the old fellow angrily. “Clear out of here…. Stop bothering him…. Don’t pay any attention to them.”
But they did not clear out. Instead they pressed even closer. The blonde kept rubbing against me, drawing on her cigarette without removing it from her mouth or even opening her eyes, draping herself all over me, soft, light and invertebrate as though her illness had sucked out her insides. Where was I? The breathing in and out around me space. The great bare sea. Red lights twinkling from towers on the Carmel. The world through a glass darkly still it moved. Time can never stop flowing but sometimes there is an air lock in the middle of it. The woman’s boneless hand coiled lightly around my stomach. A chill ran down my spine. I tried gently prying her loose but she adhered to me. A uniformed nurse passing by stopped to look at us, wondering if I needed help. But I looked back at her unconcernedly.
“The lawyer isn’t coming today?” asked the old fellow.
“He’s waiting for us at the gate. This is his son.”
“His son?” He was thrilled.
Voices reached us from the library. I fought my way back there, the crowd jostling after me, feeling deeply fatalistic. Father was speaking in Russian to mother, who was answering him with her quaint accent. The sweet Slavic sounds made me shiver. The switch to Russian, her being made by him to speak the language he had taught her, had always signaled a new, more intense stage in their quarrels.
I let the voices draw me on a few steps at a time, the crowd keeping pace with me, enveloping me in thin static. The soft body covered me like a quilt, its gelatinous hand creeping through my clothes, caressing my bare skin. Other bodies swayed heavily against me. A strange, sudden lust stirred in my chest. Someone laughed madly, half aloud. Now the giant made for us too, eyes riveted on something in our midst. The crowd tried blocking him but he strode powerfully through it, slowly yet irresistibly pulled the bright locomotive from under Gaddi’s arm, and continued on his way. A cheer went up from the crowd. He too flashed something like a smile. Gaddi was shaking all over.