“You didn’t go too?”
“Absolutely not. The thespian art is not for me — and if I must indulge in it, then only in solo appearances. Because it was real theater up there. There was a formal reception, mother had even baked a cake for it, the patients mobbed them, our old dog recognized father and jumped on him so rapturously that he knocked him head over heels…. A gay time was had by all.”
“What dog is that?”
“I never told you about him? We had this big, strange, cunning, perverted dog with wild reddish hair and big floppy ears. A mongrel — one-quarter bulldog, one-quarter German shepherd and one-half God only knows what. I used to call him Halves-’n’-Quarters, but mother and Asi called him Horatio and father shortened it to ’Ratio… a personality in his own right, whom we sent with mother to the hospital to romp on the lawns and eat the lunatics’ leftovers. To make a long story short, he too played a part in the production. My brother had an attack of hysteria and began screaming at my mother and hitting himself… my sister tearfully implored her… but she still wouldn’t sign. So on Thursday my father went back again, this time by himself. He’d finally grasped what he should have understood long ago… that is, that if he wants his freedom he has to let her have the whole apartment. It’s just his hard luck that she’s suddenly in her right mind again and getting lighter by the minute. He didn’t get back to Haifa until last night… this morning he went to see some lawyer friend in Tel Aviv in order to draw up a new agreement. Tomorrow he’ll go back to Haifa. On Sunday, if all goes well, they’ll get divorced, and Monday night he’s jetting back…. No, this time I’m under no pressure. It’s a casual visit for me. I’m just a spectator. Ya’el and Asi are the official liquidators. I’ve already done my share. All those last years alone with them in the house… I’ve already told you about them. To have had to be the defendant, the prosecutor, the witness, the judge and the bailiff, all in turn… so that this time I’ve kept out of the way… on the sidelines. Did I really talk about him so much in our last session? I don’t recall…”
“Yes.”
“I must have been nervous about his visit. I could still taste the last time he’d been here three years ago, a year and a half after he first left us. He came and moved in with me for a whole month then, a sick, confused, guilt-ridden man tom between two worlds… the haunted murder victim returning to the scene of the crime… drawn back to all his and her things, to his own bed and home, but scared stiff by the lurid memory. He would get me out of bed in the middle of the night to sob all over me. He couldn’t be left alone for a minute — I began to worry that he would never go back to America…. And so this time I was afraid of a repeat performance, even though his most recent letters had had a different tone. He had found a woman there, a job, something to do with his life. He was always a terrible square, and yet apparently he had managed to work on himself a bit…. Yet who would have thought that he would traipse back and forth in a trance for a whole week between Haifa and Jerusalem without stopping off even once in his beloved Tel Aviv…? Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You were hoping that he would deluge me with pressures and shower new conflicts on our reunion. Didn’t I warn you in our first meeting that I won’t play the neurotic sufferer for you? I told you the whole story of my parents right away so as to clear the table of it… to make you realize that I had nothing to hide and that you needn’t waste your time digging up ancient history. I didn’t come to you with any problems. I came to understand.”
“To understand what?”
“The subtle power that I have over people. I want to see myself more clearly in order to be stronger and put my deviancy to work for me. You can’t make me feel bad about myself… the normality that you’re preaching isn’t for me…”
“You think that I’m preaching normality?”
“All the time. Covertly, of course. You’ve been smart enough to avoid a frontal attack. Which doesn’t mean you won’t launch one yet… because you still don’t know the worst of it… sex for sale, the atrocious nexus of pleasure and money… only by then you won’t be able to mount your self-righteous high horse and denounce me in the name of your social norms, because I’ll already be waving goodbye to you from the other side of the door…”
“Is it important to you that I should have social norms?”
“You do have them. That’s a fact.”
“You say that it’s a fact because you need it to be one.”
“I don’t need it to be one. You do. You sit here surrounded by all your books, in one of which there’s bound to be some passage that fits my case exactly…”
“Which is?”
“Defining it is your job. Why make life easy for you?”
“You keep talking about categories, theories, test tubes that I want to cork you up in. You’ve drawn yourself a bull’s-eye and you keep throwing darts at it. But perhaps it’s convenient for you to think that everyone else is square, norm-bound, hyperrational and conformist so that you can enjoy your sense of difference from them, your eternal revolt against them. If I didn’t represent normality you wouldn’t feel comfortable with me.”
“You’ve never made love to a man… and something tells me that you’d never be able to…”
“Do you think that I’d have to be able to… in order to…”
“But I’ve had women now and then. There are women I can make it with… there’s a way of doing it… maybe I’ll let you in on it one day… that is, if I’m in the mood. Excuse me, though, for having interrupted you…”
“I hear about all kinds of strange experiences in this room, but I don’t have to undergo them myself in order to comprehend their significance.”
“In order to grasp them intellectually on a very superficial level. I’m talking about in depth.”
“No, not just intellectually. Although that too, of course… I was wondering a while ago why you pictured me eating cauliflower… where you got the idea from…”
“There’s no cauliflower cooking in your kitchen?”
“No. There never has been.”
“I’m sorry if I offended you… I smelled something on the stairs… I’m sorry…”
“That isn’t the point. What I’m asking is, why did you pick on cauliflower of all things? What does it symbolize for you? Perhaps it has something to do with the way it looks, its round, white lobed form that resembles a brain. Why cauliflower? I wonder: is it in order to portray me as an utter rationalist, a dyed-in-the-wool intellectual… a man who eats brain all the time… brain nourished on brain… a person who is all cerebral technique? You’re constantly sending me some message… it’s very clear… you keep staking out the boundaries of our relationship. You don’t trust me emotionally — and you don’t believe that I can understand you psychologically. You deny my emotional capacities. To this day you’ve never given me a real feeling of yours… I mean something really intimate… despite all your pretending to be candid…”
“I simply haven’t wanted to embarrass you.”
“What makes you think you would embarrass me?”
“Whenever I touch on such things I can feel you wince.”
“That’s pure projection on your part.”
“I’ve wanted to spare you the gory details of my escapades… you’re still so young…”
“You needn’t spare me. I never asked you to. I’m here to help you… you’re even paying me for this. I don’t think you understand my role here. I really am here to help you. Have some faith in me. Make use of me. If you sought out a young therapist, that too is significant. One always repeats some family pattern with a father or a brother or a sister. You chose me to stand for someone whom you needed to confront. Perhaps your younger brother, who according to you is a cerebral square just like me. But so far you’ve merely been skirmishing with me and avoiding working on yourself. You have great verbal power, a large vocabulary, a highly manipulative command of language… an ability instantly to translate every experience onto an abstract, conceptual plane… while evading the issue itself, of course…”