"The guards will be there to see that in the midst of pleasure you do not get carried away, but they will also be there for another reason," I said.
"And what would that be?" Ash asked.
"To make certain that I do not lose myself to the moment."
"Lose yourself," Holly said. "What does that mean?"
"It means that we bargained that you would do nothing I did not agree to, or ask for. I fear that I may in the heat of the moment ask for things that my body cannot survive."
"What?" Holly asked, frowning.
"She's saying that she likes to be hurt, and she might ask for things that would damage her," Ash said.
"Lying sidhe," Holly said.
"I swear to you that I do not lie. I must have guards to keep me safe from myself."
Holly hit the mirror hard enough to make it shake on his end.
It made me jump. "You are afraid of us," he said. "The sidhe do not crave that which they fear."
"I cannot speak for anyone but myself."
"Do you want me to hurt you?" Holly said.
I looked up then, gave him my gaze, full on, and let him see the truth. "Oh, yes."
CHAPTER 14
EVENTUALLY THE MIRROR WAS JUST A MIRROR AGAIN. THE GOBLINS would arrive tonight with a guard of Red Caps to make certain this was not sidhe treachery. With Doyle injured, I had to choose new guards to watch us, and frankly the ones I trusted most didn't want the duty.
Frost would have stood with Doyle, if ordered, but he didn't really enjoy seeing me with other men. He was okay with Doyle and himself being in the same room at the same time with me, but he didn't share with anyone else. Rhys was more open-minded about the sharing thing, but it would have been a type of torture to ask him to watch the goblins with me. Being a prisoner of the goblins had been what had cost him one eye.
"You meant that about wanting them to hurt you, didn't you?" Rhys asked.
"Yes," I said.
"Do you know how disturbing that is?"
I thought about it, then nodded. "You either get it, or you don't."
"I do not get it either," Frost said.
I kept quiet because Frost actually got it more than he thought he did. He didn't like causing me pain, but a little "tie me up, tie me down" worked just fine as foreplay for him. But since he didn't consider bondage the same thing as causing pain, I didn't argue with him.
"Doyle gets it," Rhys said.
I nodded.
"You enjoy normal sex, right?" Rhys asked.
"Normal is a judgment. The kind of sex I like is just the kind of sex I like, Rhys."
He took a deep breath and started over. "I don't mean to sound judgmental. What I mean is, do you have less… bondage sex with the rest of us because you think we won't do what you want? I guess I want to know that you really enjoy being with me."
I put my arms around him, but kept us far enough apart so I could gaze up into his face. "I love being with you, all of you. But sometimes I like something rougher. I wouldn't want to have the goblins' idea of sex every night, but the thought does excite me."
He shivered, and it wasn't from pleasure. No, it was definitely fear. "I know now, thanks to you, that only my ignorance of goblin culture cost me my eye. If I hadn't been just another arrogant sidhe, I'd have known that their culture allows even prisoners to negotiate sex. I could have forced them not to maim me. But I saw the sex as torture, and you can't bargain with torture."
"When a goblin tortures you, you'll know it."
He shuddered again.
I hugged him, trying to squeeze that haunted look from his face. "We need to decide who's going to guard my back tonight."
He hugged me tightly. "I'm so sorry, Merry, but I can't. I just can't do it."
I whispered into his hair, "I know, and it's all right."
"I will do it," Frost said.
I turned in Rhys's arms so I could see Frost. His face was at its arrogant best, coldly handsome. What I saw was that it wasn't his lack of enjoyment of what would be happening that would hamper his ability to guard me, but rather just how much he might secretly enjoy it. That would hamper him. He had a tendency to let his emotions cloud his judgment. Tonight would push too many of Frost's buttons for him to guard me well. If Doyle had been there to help force him through his emotional baggage, then maybe, but Doyle wouldn't be there tonight. Who could I ask to do this?
The mirror suddenly showed the queen's bedroom. We had put a spell on the mirror to keep anyone else from simply peeking in, but the queen had taken that badly. So she had ready access to the mirror. It meant we had no privacy, but it kept Andais's anger to a more manageable level.
It also meant that I'd started sleeping in some of the smaller rooms in the house. My excuse that sex exhausted us and we just fell asleep elsewhere was holding so far.
The queen was covered in blood from about mid-arm to her lower body. It was hard to tell with the black she was wearing, but the cloth seemed to be stuck to her body with the wetness of it. She held the blade in one hand, so covered in blood that I knew it must be slippery.
I didn't want to look at the bed, but I had to. I stayed in Rhys's arms and we both looked at the bed, in that slow-motion way you do when you both want to see and never want to see.
It had to be Crystall, but he was just a bloody form in the shape of a man. Only his shoulders and the width of his hips made me sure of the man part. He was still on his stomach, still where we'd last seen him. One arm lay half off the bed, the hand hanging in midair. The hand twitched involuntarily as if something she'd done to him had affected the nerves.
Tears simply spilled down my face. I couldn't stop them. Rhys pushed my face against his shoulder so I wouldn't have to see. For once, I let him. I'd seen what Andais wanted me to see, though I had no idea why she wanted me to see it. What she'd done to Crystall was usually reserved for traitors, enemies. People she meant to get information out of, or prisoners who were to be tortured for crimes. She had reduced him to a red ruin for what? For what! I wanted to scream it at her.
Rhys's arms tightened around me, as if he had read my intent.
"You lied about taking Rhys to your bed," she said at last.
"No," I said. "We just got off the mirror from the goblins." I wiped at my eyes and turned to face my queen. How I hated her.
"You seem a little pale and uncertain for sex, niece of mine." Her voice purred with pleasure at the effect she was having on me. Was that it, just a game to see how awful she could make me feel? Was Crystall so unimportant to her that he was just a body to use to hurt me?
"I will have Sholto fetch Rhys home. He can enchant my mirror as he enchanted yours, then he can join me, as he's always wanted to." She looked at Rhys then. She gave him the full look of those triple gray eyes. "You do still want me, don't you, Rhys?"
That was a dangerous question. Rhys spoke, carefully, "Who would not want to lie with your beauty? But you wanted Merry to be with child, and I must be here to do my duty by her, as you ordered me to do."
"And if I ordered you home?" she asked.
"You gave your oath that all the men who had come to my bed would be mine," I said. "You swore it."
"Except for Mistral. He I did not give to you to keep," she said.
"Except for Mistral," I said, voice soft, and fighting to be even.
"Would it upset you more to see Rhys stretched across my bed like this?"
Again, a dangerous question. I thought of several things to say, then settled for the truth. "Yes."