Ryan interrupted. “You had sex with—”
“Steve doesn’t count as exploration. It was one time.”
“It was one more time than I—”
“Are you going to count Lauren?”
Ryan frowned. “No.”
“We’ve been trying to figure out the sex thing on our own for twelve years, Ryan.” Jennifer sat up and turned her body toward him. “I don’t feel like Steve or Lauren provided us any exceptional insight into our wants and needs, do you?”
“No.”
“So why don’t we just agree that they may as well not count.” She put her hand on his knee. “Even with their help, how’re we doing?”
“Well,” he felt that pang of defensiveness, “We’re not doing bad.”
“How’re we doing in the sex department?”
“Okay.” He turned his body toward her. “So what do we do? Most people just have affairs.”
“And most marriages end.”
“I also don’t want to get divorced.” That didn’t feel adequate. A creeping anxiety grew in Ryan. “And I love you.”
“I love you too.”
Jennifer saw Ryan’s physical presence changing. He was grabbing for breaths more quickly, sipped his wine more frequently. She felt responsible, like she’d just walked in and knocked his life over. Rationality was necessary here, to calm and soothe, to point out the obvious. She put her hand on his chest, feeling his throbbing heart and accelerated breathing. “All I’m saying is, why sneak around for something we both want to do?”
He looked at her for a long while, and she could feel his breathing slow, his heart beat return to just a touch above normal. “That’s a good point.”
She offered a smile, one he returned. The rest of the evening they left the subject alone, a restful detente as each of them processed the idea. Jennifer felt positive, she’d said her piece rather than keeping it inside. Things hadn’t exploded, the wheels hadn’t come off. The “Are you fucking kidding me?” storm out she’d imagined after her afternoon of fantasy and masturbation, hadn’t remotely come to pass.
When Ryan came out of the bathroom after brushing his teeth, he held up the red plastic vibrator, a sly smile on his face. “Where’d this come from?”
Jennifer laughed. “A girl gave it to me back in high school.”
“I meant, where’d it come from today!”
“Office closet.”
“Aha.”
His eyes sparkled. He didn’t break eye contact as he twisted the base of the vibe and the buzzing filled the room. His pajama pants expanded out, tenting at the crotch. Her eyes drifted to it, then her hands. Before long they lay in bed, Ryan the big spoon, Jennifer the little, his penis inside her. They moved together slowly, gently. He ran his fingers up and down her exposed thigh and breast. This had long been a preferred position of theirs, as it allowed for a very relaxed mood.
She did occasionally wonder if their sex life was diminished by their somewhat laissez-faire attitude, but tonight it worked to both of their benefits as they continued the conversation, circling closer and closer to what felt like a possible resolution.
“How would it work?” asked Ryan, kissing the nape of her neck, just below the downy beginning of her hair.
“We’d both be allowed to go out and see other people.” She bit her lip and exhaled slowly.
“How does one explain that to a person you’re trying to pick up? ‘I’m married, but it’s cool?’”
Jennifer considered that for a moment, distracted by the sensations within her. “I don’t really know.”
“Seems delusional,” Ryan said, “or at least something that’d be far easier for you to do than me.”
“Why?”
“Imagine a guy coming up to you and saying that.”
“Ah. Whereas I have tits,” she laughed.
“You do indeed!” He found them with his hands and pulled her tighter against him, his pace quickened.
“Right there! Right there!” She tilted her head back.
He nibbled on her shoulder. “Like this?”
“Yeah, faster!”
Her climax arrived, waves crashing for minutes before his followed. Then they lay next to each other, staring at the ceiling, sheets and blankets bunched on the floor. Jennifer thanked herself for remembering to turn the space heater on as soon as they’d come upstairs. She held his flaccid penis in her hand, her head against his chest, their breathing nearly synchronous.
“So you’re thinking open marriage over swinging?” Ryan asked.
She wasn’t sure. “I don’t know what the difference would be. I’ve heard people say ‘open marriage’ and never have any idea.”
“I think the difference is together or separately.”
Jennifer thought about this for a while. While her fantasies today had been about exploring on her own, she had to admit that the idea of doing it with Ryan there in some capacity made her tingle again. She looked down at his penis in her hand, and imagined she was holding it for someone else. For Paige? She didn’t know, but could feel her juices beginning to flow again.
“I think I’d want to do it together,” she told him.
“So swinging.”
“Yeah.”
“Like Bruce and Paige.”
Hearing their names increased the tingles. “Yeah.”
“It’s not the craziest idea.”
As she stared at it, she realized that it made her feel so juvenile, thinking of his member as his penis. She knew that’s what it was called, of course, but at this moment, as she watched it harden again and saw the glisten from their previous encounter, she knew the time had come to change their game completely. She stroked his dick. “It would solve the problem of wanting to… fuck other people.”
He stopped running his fingertips along her arm for a moment, she knew he was taking in her use of the word. “And since we’d be doing it together, it could even make us closer.”
Now he was entirely hard. Jennifer knew she wanted Ryan’s dick in her mouth. And she wanted to wrap her legs around his face while she was sucking him.
And she wanted to fuck Bruce.
And she wanted to fuck Paige.
She exploded as soon as Ryan’s tongue touched her.
15
“Today is the day we change our lives,” whispered Ryan, staring at the crack in the ceiling of their bedroom, morning light filling the room. At least, he thought today would be the day. Jennifer, beside him, still slept.
Their talk last night — more than just talk, of course — had seemed pretty conclusive. It seemed that a new and unexpected factor was about to assert itself in their lives. Speaking of things asserting themselves… Ryan glanced down at the rising tent of sheet which revealed his body’s assent to the planned course of action.
After the second session the night before, they’d retired to the shower to clean off, and that led to a third session. After that one, just heavy breathing and lying in bed. Staring upward.
“That was something.”
Ryan agreed.
“Are we going to do this?” she’d asked, between breaths, “Or is this just an imaginary thing? Like Dr. Petrillo telling us to share our fantasies.”
He rolled onto his side. “I’m in if you are.”
“We jump together.”
“Yeah.”
She rolled on her side to face him, lying nose to nose, at the center of their king-sized bed. “With Bruce and Paige?”
“I wouldn’t know where else to start,” he said, “So that seems like the best course of action.” As an afterthought he added, “I mean, assuming you want to fuck him.”