“Thank you!” he said.
She nodded. They sat in silence for a bit.
“How, uh, how long have you been… in?”
“In the lifestyle?” she asked. “Six years.”
“And how, um, do you like it?”
A wide smile spread across her face. “Love it. Truly. The best decision Jeff and I ever made.”
Ryan squinted his eyes and nodded. After a moment he realized he was still nodding, and focused on stopping. “That’s fantastic.”
“How about you?”
He’d answered this question numerous times tonight, yet the answer still felt surprising. “Only a couple of months.”
“Wow,” said Julianne, patting his terrycloth-covered knee. “You don’t play like newbies.”
Her voice had an edge, a quality, something Ryan couldn’t place. Perhaps he should just follow the thread. “Oh?” was all he could muster. The glare from the sconce on the wall behind her head made it difficult to look directly at her. He leaned back on the couch and squinted.
“Well, separate rooms, separate play. That’s sorta,” she thought about it for a moment. “Varsity level?”
He considered that, then told her, “I’m happy that Jennifer is having a good time,” but he felt mostly like he was trying to convince himself it was true.
“She’s lovely, Ryan.”
“And popular,” he said, smiling, then expelling a rueful, “heh.”
“In a place like this, a woman that sexy? Of course she’s popular.” Julianne had stopped touching his knee.
Of course she’s popular.
It seemed so obvious to him now. Why wouldn’t Jennifer be so popular? Why wouldn’t the guys all want to fuck her? To make her beg for it? “I guess I thought it’d be more… even,” he said quietly.
“The myth of equality,” said Julianne, further away on the couch now. “We all think that, at the beginning.”
“Think what?”
“That it’ll somehow be equal,” she gestured to him. “Even. She gets something, you get something. But unless you’re only playing together, it won’t. Even if you are only playing together, some nights things just won’t happen for one of you.”
She squinted at Ryan again, and her face softened. “I see it like the scales are always slightly imbalanced. But what makes it okay is enjoying that your partner is having a good time, right?”
He blinked.
“Do you enjoy that?” she asked him.
He nodded. He was happy Jennifer was having a good time. She’d been so crushed after things ended with Bruce and Paige. They both had, of course, but she’d taken it especially hard. Maybe this party, he’d thought, would help ease the burn. Because as “over it” as they’d gotten, it still hurt that no one would answer their calls. “I want her to be happy.”
“Good, we all do.”
They sat in silence, Ryan staring at his feet, poking out from beneath the chestnut colored robe. He looked up again. He could do this. And she liked him, right? Let’s do this. He looked around the room.
“Something wrong?” she asked.
“I don’t see the box,” he said and, swaying a bit, stood.
“What box?”
“The condom box,” he replied. He needed them because he didn’t have his pants. He’d left his pants… somewhere. Somewhere when he got into the hot tub. Had he brought them back in? Were they still outside?
“They could be trying to discourage sex in here,” she said.
“I’ll go find some,” Ryan said, lurching forward.
“Oh!” Julianne stood up. “Ryan, wait.” She put her hand on his arm.
“It’s not a big deal,” he said
“Ryan,” she said, more firmly this time.
He turned back to her. Julianne stood an inch taller than him in her heels. She put her hands on both of his arms. “Honey, you’re drunk.”
He recoiled at the thought. “No, just…”
“You’re drunk,” she said again. “And if I’m being honest, it sounds like there’s a lot of other stuff going on with you.”
“So,” he frowned. “So you’re not going to have sex with me?”
The look on her face betrayed her surprise, nearly shock, at the question. “No, Ryan. I’m not.”
“Well that’s just fucking great,” he sat back down.
Why would she have sex with him? Clearly Jennifer was the prize in this fucking stupid fucking cereal box of a marriage. He wasn’t anybody’s type, he was just a guy. “And guys are expendable.”
“What?” she asked, her voice tense. Her hands found her hips.
“We’re just… whatever. It’s all ‘look how sexy you are’ for the girls but for the guys it’s ‘oh hi,’ and ‘I’m not going to have sex with you.’” Ryan knew he ought to reign it in, but that train had left the station.
“Alright,” said Julianne, her jaw set. “I’m going to walk away. But before I do, I think you ought to hear something important.”
She reached out and grabbed his chin.
“One of the most important rules of the lifestyle is that you should never expect anything. No matter what you thought might have been happening between us, you made the mistake of expecting something specific.”
“You told me you wanted to see—”
“And!” she used the word to cut him off. “Even if we’d made specific plans to have sex, Ryan, I could still say no at any time.”
“Sure, why not?” he said, staring at his feet again, a difficult thing to do with her hand holding his face up. “Not like you don’t have a whole supply of other men upstairs…”
She yanked her hand off his face hard enough to make his neck crack. “I’m sorry I kissed you,” she threw at him bitterly and was gone before he looked up.
39
The tall, thin bottle of ice wine caught Jennifer’s eye as she moved down the buffet. That would be the perfect thing after her evening’s fun. She poured herself half a glass and sipped it. Memories danced on the flavors, of meeting Bruce at that Christmas party.
She should check on Ryan. She smiled. With any luck he’d found a beautiful woman and was basking in his own afterglow somewhere. She closed her eyes and took a long sip of the ice wine, letting it cascade over her tongue. Man, they definitely needed to buy some of this stuff for home!
She lifted her hands up and spun away from the table. She crashed almost immediately into Marty, shirtless. “Whoa, there!”
“I’m sorry!” She looked at him, wide eyed. “I’m so sorry!”
He laughed. “No damage done!” he said, then pointed at her glass. “Seems you even kept all of your wine.”
She laughed back. “It’d be a sin to spill anything this good.”
“Indeed!” he said. “You’ve found my favorite evening drink!”
Jennifer made a three-sixty back to the table, lifting a glass toward him. “May I pour some for you?” she asked and winked.
“That’d be lovely, Jennifer,” said Marty. He watched her do a final spin and pour the golden wine into his glass. She made eye contact as she poured, waiting for his “when,” which he gave only after his glass was full. “Are you having a good time?”
“You throw a wonderful party,” she said and poked his chest as she did, flicking a tuft of white hair.
“Thank you,” he replied.
“By any chance have you seen my husband?”
Marty thought about it. “Last I did, he was watching porn in the theater. I know Julianne was headed down there to find him a little while ago.”
“She’s lovely too,” said Jennifer, then felt a bit self-conscious about her seemingly hungry attitude.
“She is indeed.” He held his glass up for Jennifer, they clinked. “Well, madam, I must away.”