Ryan nodded.
“I need you to know that’s one hundred percent not cool. You understand me?” Bruce leaned down toward Ryan, who appeared to be trying to vanish inside the couch cushion, perhaps hoping he was a chameleon and could change colors to match.
“Not cool,” Ryan whispered in return.
Jesus, thought Bruce. How can I beat up on the guy? He’s doing all the work for me.
“Look,” he said, then reached out and tapped Ryan’s knee. “Are you listening to me?”
Bloodshot eyes blinked back at him when Ryan met his eyes. “Yes,” he whispered.
“You leapfrogged. Jumped in way too deep, way too quickly, you understand?”
Ryan nodded.
“It wasn’t my job to check with you. When Jennifer said it was alright, I trusted that you two were on the same page. That night that you two came over, I trusted that all four of us were on the same page, that we’d be seeing other people.”
“My fault.”
Bruce sighed. “I’m not assigning blame. I’m telling you about the value of trust. Without it, none of this works. Right now, Paige is out with Jennifer, something she and I’d decided was going to be a no-go for quite some time. But she said it needed to happen, and I trust her to make that decision. You see what I’m saying?”
“I trust Jennifer.”
“Trust isn’t just about her not doing anything that you both discussed not doing, Ryan.” He tapped Ryan’s knee again, to get him to look up. “Trust is about believing that your partner will do what is best in a moment. Best for themselves, best for your relationship, best.”
Ryan thought about that. “It wasn’t her fault,” he said after a while.
“Which part?”
He shrugged. “I looked like I was having a good time. I told her I wanted her to do what made her happy. I—”
“Did you actually want her to do what made her happy?”
“Well, within—”
“Because if you didn’t, then you weren’t giving her a reason to trust what you have to say.” Bruce sat back in the easy chair, unscrewed the top from the second water bottle, and took a sip. “She isn’t beholden to you, just because she’s your wife. She’s not always going to put your feelings first. She’s going to weigh everything going on, but especially her own feelings, and make a good decision. Jennifer is smart as hell.”
Ryan nodded.
“One of the things that attracted us to you both. You were scared and new, but you were thoughtful and smart.”
“But not anymore… We trusted the two of you to—”
“We,” said Bruce, firmly, “we didn’t break the contract. You did.”
Ryan deflated again.
“Do you trust Jennifer right now?”
“I don’t know.”
“How about Paige?”
“I’m worried,” said Ryan, looking up of his own accord, “that Paige will tell her to leave me.”
“Are you worth staying for?”
The bluntness of the question caught Ryan off guard. “We’ve been together almost thirteen years, we’re—”
“That doesn’t mean anything, if you’re not worth staying for.”
“Are you saying I’m—”
“I’m asking you questions, Ryan. Because I feel like, and this is just an observation, that you’re clinging to something neither of you like.”
Ryan flinched.
“I’m not talking about your marriage. I’m talking about the way you’ve behaved toward each other since that party. Admittedly, I only know a little of it.” Bruce had overheard Jennifer and Paige’s tearful beginnings, hugging in the foyer, before they’d left. He’d only listened for a moment. Trust in all things, so very important.
“We’re not clinging to that.”
“Neither of you is trying to change it. Why cling to the husk of a marriage?”
“Am I too late?” asked Ryan.
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Am I too late?” he pleaded.
Bruce thought about it. He’d seen bad before. This was bad. Not talking for a month certainly qualified as bad. Going into a play party unprepared, also bad. Ryan needed hope though, right now. There was hope to be had.
“You know why non-monogamy is scary?” he asked.
Ryan shook his head. “Where do I begin?”
“True, it is vast.” Bruce laughed. “But specifically. In monogamy, we have this feeling of control, right? That somehow the social contract will keep our spouse in check. That this thin membrane will keep the external scaries out.”
Ryan looked at his hands, nodding.
“Non-monogamy appears to take away that membrane. When we meet newbies, you know what they ask us?”
“How soon can we fuck you?”
Bruce’s laugh came out genuine this time, and Ryan actually cracked a smile. “Before that. They ask, ‘What if my spouse/partner/whatnot falls in love with someone else?’”
The question struck at Ryan’s core. He focused on Bruce’s face.
“And I ask them, ‘What’s stopping them before from doing that right now?’ The answer is invariably that they’re not allowed to. Because monogamy. Like it’s a magic wand, making people’s genitals only compatible with each other.” Bruce hoped Ryan was ready. “But the real answer, Ryan, is that can absolutely happen. Just like in real life, your partner can at any moment leave.”
“This isn’t making me feel better,” said Ryan.
“You shouldn’t assume that’s my goal,” returned Bruce.
That caught him by surprise.
“The truth is rarely comforting. But trust?” Bruce paused for emphasis. “Trust is very comforting. If Paige believed the best course of action was to bend Jennifer over at the Horn Lodge and pull a strap-on out of her bag, I might disagree, but I trust her judgment. That helps me not worry.”
Bruce moved to the couch, sitting next to Ryan. “You told her, and me just now, that you want her to do what makes her happy. Is that really true? Or only true if what makes her happy is the same as what makes you happy?”
Ryan thought about it for a long time. “When I said it at the party, I said it to make her happy,” he told Bruce. “But I really I want her to be happy, with or without me.”
“You know that stupid phrase, ‘if you love something, let it go, blah blah blah’?”
“Just because you call it stupid,” said Ryan with a smirk, “doesn’t mean you can turn around and use it without looking like the guy using that phrase.”
“Fair enough,” Bruce smiled too. “But that phrase isn’t correct, really. It’s not about letting people go on their own personal Rumspringa from their relationship. It’s about allowing your partner, your spouse, this person you love, the freedom and trust to do what’s best for them. In return, I’ve found, they often will do what’s best for you. No one has control over anybody else. We only control ourselves.”
The two men sat quietly for a while.
48
“We’ve only been married seven years,” said Jennifer, sitting across the table from Paige in a dimly lit corner of the Horn Lodge. “We felt like things were… over.” She sighed. “You know, we played the game, we did the things, got married. Most people have kids at that point. That’s certainly what my parents wanted us to do. And as things stagnated in the last few years, I became more and more afraid of accidentally having a kid, because it would complicate things if we got divorced.”
She took a deep breath. “But you guys made us feel amazing. Like we were viable, again. Like we weren’t done.” She looked across the table, Paige’s eyes flickering in the light of the candles on the table. “And you woke something up. Something in me. Not just the,” she lowered her voice, “lesbian stuff.” She laughed when she realized she’d said that just like her mother might have, dropping it down low when she used the word lesbian. “You helped me find my… confidence.”