I call Jess from the subway. “Hey, guess what!”
She squeals into the phone. “Oh my God, Hilary! Congrats! Pinnacle is huge. You’ve hit the big time!”
I can’t stop the grin. “It does feel a little like hitting the lottery.”
“We’re celebrating tonight. Where do you want to go?”
“Wherever you want, Jess. I have something I need to do, but I’ll be home later.”
“Okay. I’ll have something fabulous planned when you get here.”
I smile again at her enthusiasm. “Thanks, sweetie.”
Ten minutes later, I’m climbing the stairs to Christopher Street. The whole walk from the subway to his apartment, I’m trying to sort out what I’m going to say, but as I step up to his door, I still have nothing. I hesitate with my shaking finger poised at the buzzer.
I haven’t heard a word from him since I let him walk out of my apartment. What I said was cruel . . . and a lie. I don’t blame him for not wanting anything to do with me. Which means I shouldn’t be here.
I press the buzzer.
A minute later, when no one’s answered, I breathe again. Maybe he’s at the youth center. I should go there.
Just to be sure, I press the buzzer one more time.
“It’s Hilary, isn’t it?”
The voice from behind me makes me jump. I spin and find Mrs. Burke and her pug.
“Yeah. Hi.”
Her face goes all sympathetic. “If you’re here for Alessandro, sweetheart, I’m sorry to tell you he’s already gone.”
“Gone,” I repeat as all the blood drains out of my head and stars flash in my eyes.
She nods. “He had a red-eye out of JFK last night. I’m surprised he didn’t tell you.”
I lift my hand and rub my face. “Um . . . you know, I think he did. I just forgot.” I don’t know why I lie.
“I hoped he might stay for you. St. Veronica’s is going to miss him.”
My erratic heart stalls in my chest. “Why would he stay for me?”
She tilts her head and a knowing little smile curves her lips. “People do things they’d never expect for love, my dear.”
Oh, God. “Um . . . did he happen to mention when he was coming back?”
She tips her head and raises her eyebrows sympathetically. “He’s not, as far as I know. He said his family needed him.”
My heart slams to the ground. “In Corsica?”
She nods.
Just at that moment, everything I wanted to say comes clear in my head. But now it doesn’t matter. I’m too late. He’s gone.
JESS PICKS A dance club we’ve never been to. It’s full of Columbia kids, mostly, shouting over music so loud it’s vibrating into my bones. I’m sweaty from dancing, so I stick to the vinyl as I lean back into the booth and take the last, long swallow of my drink—the second of many, if my plan holds.
I glance at Jess, still on the dance floor. I didn’t tell her that I went to Alessandro’s today because I don’t want her feeling all sorry for me. And pretty soon, it won’t matter. Because my plan is to get totally shit-faced. My plan is to revel in the parts of my life that are really good right now and forget the parts that aren’t.
My plan is to do whatever it takes to forget Alessandro.
“I haven’t seen you here before.”
I look in the direction of the voice and see Mike from my acting group grinning at me from the end of the booth.
“Hi.” I yell over the music.
“Can I?” he asks, gesturing to the empty seat across from me.
“Yeah, sure.”
But instead of sitting on the seat across from me, he slides into the booth next to me.
A second later, Nathan is at the end of the table with a pitcher and a stack of cups. He sets them down, looking a little out of his element, unlike Mike.
“Hey. We missed you last Monday.”
“Yeah. I was busy. Family stuff.” I did go to Mallory’s for dinner, but it was because I was looking for a reason to be out of the city, not because I had to.
“What are you drinking?” he asks, gesturing at my empty glass. “I’ll get you another.”
“Rum and Diet Coke. Thanks.”
He smiles and turns for the bar.
Mike leans in. “You look amazing.”
Jess picked my outfit, a snug black cotton tank, a short green skirt, and, of course, my killer boots. “Thanks.”
“You want to dance?” he asks with a tip of his head toward the dance floor.
“Sure.”
He stands and holds out his hand. I take it and we move through the crowd to a spot at the edge of the dance floor, not too far from Jess. She sees me and grins.
Mike was actually pretty good in our Antigone bit for acting group last month, and I find out he’s not a bad dancer either. The alcohol has definitely hit my bloodstream, because I feel all my wariness drop as I shimmy around him. When he puts his hands on my hips and starts to grind his in rhythm with mine, I don’t push him away. When the song’s over, we head back to the table and Nathan is there with my drink.
“Looks like you worked up a thirst,” he says as I slam it.
I smile at him. “I did. Your turn.” I grab his hand and tow him to the dance floor. He’s not as bold as his friend, and keeps his distance. But I decide he’s cute.
We dance off and on, and Jess floats in and out of our group. The boys keep buying me drinks, and by my fifth rum and Coke, I’ve decided I’m definitely going to sleep with one of them tonight. The question is who. Mike, who is one-night-stand material, or Nathan, who has relationship potential?
Hell. Maybe I’ll sleep with both of them. I’ve never done a ménage à trois before. And as the alcohol flows thicker through my bloodstream by the second, what I’m rapidly deciding is that, more than anything, mindless sex is what I need right now.
I knock back my drink and the three of us head out to the dance floor. Mike dances up behind me, snaking an arm around my waist and pulling me against him. Of course he’d be first to make a move. So, it’s going to be Mike, then. I give Nathan a sympathetic little pout as I lift my arms and weave my fingers behind Mike’s neck.
He lowers his face and skims the tip of his nose along the side of my neck. “You smell so good,” he says, low in my ear.
I spin in his arms, pressing every inch of me against every inch of him, and run my hands over his chest. “I taste better.”
The next second, his lips are crushed against mine, and his tongue is darting through my mouth.
I grind into him as we move to the music, forgetting everything but the feel of his hands and his mouth and his body. I come up for air a few minutes later, gasping for breath. “Come on.” He grins as I grab his hand, towing him past the bathrooms to the back exit. We push through the door into the alley, and I barely notice the cold. Mike spins me and slams my back against the building, kissing me hard. I’m getting the feeling he likes it rough—which means I’ve made the right choice.
His hands are on me—all over me—and when one reaches under my skirt and starts to tug down my thong, a sick feeling rolls up from my gut. I tell myself it’s just the booze, but suddenly, I don’t want to see Mike. I don’t want to know who I’m doing this with.
Mindless sex. Mindless.
I close my eyes as his hand slips between my legs and try to lose myself in the moment . . . and Alessandro’s there, behind my eyelids. At the image, a sucking wound in my chest opens up and I can’t breathe.
Damn him for showing up here. He’s gone, and he’s still ruining my life. But now that he’s here, I can’t make him go away.
And I can’t do this.