I want to be that person again . . . the person who dares to believe that things might just work out. The person who dares to let people really see her, the good and the bad. The person who dares to live her life without being afraid. Without hiding that fear behind sharp edges that will cut anyone who gets too close.
I think Quinn knew that, when I filed down all the sharp edges and I let the real me show, I wouldn’t be scared anymore. He was right.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
IT’S THE END of April. The first really warm day of the year. I pull out a black-and-white halter dress that I love but haven’t seen since August. They say it’s only supposed to hit seventy today, so it might still be a little cool for it, but I don’t care. I feel like I’m coming out of a long, dark tunnel, and damn if I’m not going to bask in the sun.
I Frizz-Ease my hair and spiral it around my fingers, then brush on mascara and call it good. Alessandro called me at ugly o’clock this morning because he knew, rightfully, that’d I’d oversleep my alarm, so now I’m late.
He’s making breakfast before we go to the youth center, and I promised him I’d be at his apartment by eleven.
Tomorrow is his birthday and I want to think of something truly amazing to do for him, but so far I haven’t been able to come up with anything. On my birthday, last month, he took me on a posh dinner cruise around the harbor. It was beautiful and magical and we danced all night to the jazz band under the New York skyline. There’s nothing I could do for him that would compare.
I hurry to the subway and when I get to Alessandro’s new apartment, I’m only fifteen minutes late, which by my clock is on time. His studio in the West Village got snapped up right after he left for Corsica, but he found a sublet from someone at St. Veronica’s. It’s totally boring compared to his old place.
He buzzes me up and when he opens his apartment door, the breakfast smells wafting into the hall make my mouth water. But the look in his eyes makes me hungry in a whole different way. He pulls me through the door, and before it’s even closed, his mouth is attacking mine. I kiss him back and start on the buttons of his shirt, but he takes my hand and weaves his fingers into mine. “If you were here fifteen minutes ago . . .” he says with a teasing smile and a raised eyebrow.
I roll my eyes and blow out a frustrated breath.
He kisses me again, a soft brush of his lips across mine. “I missed you last night.”
“Me too.”
I’ve been spending a lot of time at Alessandro’s apartment over the last two months, but I also really like living with Jess, so I try to split my time. Last night we went out for girls’ night, which meant just the two of us. I took her to Filthy’s because, believe it or not, now that I’m not working there anymore, I kind of miss the place. We hung out and drank and just let loose. I almost fell off my stool laughing when Jerry hit on her.
Alessandro turns for the kitchen and I follow. As he starts scooping some egg dish from a pan onto a plate, I look down and see a wedding invitation on the counter. Next to it is a hand written note.
Dear Alessandro,
It was so good to hear from you, and thanks for sending your address. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I saw you last. I think about the time we spent together in Rome often. It seems like just yesterday.
I hope being back in New York is bringing you the peace you deserve. It’s amazing that you were able to find Hilary again after all these years. I’ve prayed everyday you would find contentment in this world and I can’t even tell you how it makes me feel to know how happy she makes you. She sounds amazing. I hope one day I can meet her.
Trent and I were planning to wait until next year to get married, but an amazing opportunity for a paid internship came up at a children’s museum in England. Since we’re not willing to live apart, and our parents don’t want us living in sin, we’ve moved the wedding up to this summer, after graduation. All the information is enclosed. I hope you and Hilary can make it.
I hope your family is well and your mother is continuing to improve. Say hello for me next time you talk to them. Please take care of yourself, and keep in touch. I miss you.
Love,
Lexie
“She misses you,” I say when I look up and find Alessandro watching me.
“And I miss her too.”
“But you don’t still love her.”
He moves the few feet to the table and sets our plates down. “She helped me at a time in my life when I didn’t know I was in need of help. She was the shot of reality that I needed to finally understand the priesthood wasn’t where I belonged.”
“If she had felt differently . . .” I flick the invitation. “If she wasn’t in love with this Trent guy—”
“Who happens to be her stepbrother, by the way,” Alessandro interrupts with half an ironic smile.
“Wow. Seriously?”
He nods.
“Okay . . . so if she hadn’t been in love with her stepbrother, would you still be with her, do you think?”
“Everything that’s happened to me has happened for a reason. It’s all brought me to right here, right now.” He pulls me into his arms and plants a kiss on me that curls my toes. “To you.”
I drape myself over him and kiss him hard. He kisses me back, but then peels me off and sits me at the table. “We’re late.”
We sit and I stare warily at my food. It looks amazing and it smells better, but I find myself dissecting it before I take a bite. When I don’t find any rubber cockroaches, I look up and see Alessandro smirking at me.
“You’re slacking,” I tell him.
He just shrugs and takes a bite.
“I don’t know how you managed to talk me into this,” I lament over my breakfast, which tastes as good as it smells, but it’s a lie. I do know how he talked me into this. He snuck it in while I was feeling all drowsy and sated, basking in post-coital bliss, when he knew I didn’t have the presence of mind to know what I was agreeing to.
The bastard.
“It’s for the kids, Hilary,” he says, catching my glower. “You’ll be amazed how good it feels to know you’re giving them the courage to dream.”
“They’re going to hate me,” I mutter as he reaches for my hand.
“They’re going to love you.” His lips brush my cheek. “Just like I do.”
We’ve both spent some time with the counselor who volunteers at the youth center, and I’ve made some pretty good progress at learning to trust, but I still can’t get used to hearing him tell me he loves me. And I haven’t been able to say it back yet. I’m still afraid of Alessandro leaving. I know there will come a time that he’ll have to go back to Corsica for his grandparents. But, as much as it scares me, I’m beginning to trust that, if he leaves, he’ll come back. It’s a pretty huge leap of faith for me, but he’s worth it.
We clean up after breakfast, then he tows me toward the door. I look for my jacket before remembering that I didn’t bring one. There’s a little pang of disappointment when I realize I’m going to miss having Alessandro help me on with it.
We step outside and I close my eyes and breathe in the fresh air. Only in spring does New York smell like this. It makes me feel hopeful, like everything’s starting over fresh, and we can make it whatever we want it to be.
When we emerge from the subway twenty minutes later, and start walking toward the youth center, I’ve decided that no one’s really going to want to sing. I mean, kids like video games where peoples’ heads blow up and spray the screen with blood and gray chunks. Compared to that, how boring is it to stand around a karaoke machine singing?