And then he was truly awake, the noise and smells and drenching anguish of counting his dead fading into the darkness of the familiar room.
His gaze fell on the second letter lying on his desk by the windows, the paper faintly white in the ambient light.
He knew the words by heart, now.
“Don’t come back to Westmorland—”
The desolation he’d felt when he first opened the single sheet swept him again.
How do you learn to live again, he thought, where there is no hope, no warmth, no laughter?
He lay there, trying not to think or dream or remember, until first light.
Meredith Channing was also awake until dawn, her mind unwilling or unable to settle into peace.
So that was Ian Rutledge, she thought, that tall, handsome, haunted man.
Not at all what she’d expected. Maryanne Browning had said, discussing her guests each in turn, “He was in France for four years, and doesn’t often attend parties now. Such a shame! He and Peter were better at charades than any of us, and it was always great fun. But his sister has promised to persuade him.”
“Was he severely wounded?” she had asked.
“He was in hospital for several months, I’m not sure why. Frances never said. But nothing serious, apparently.
He’s returned to the Yard. Of course the woman he was to marry broke off their engagement as soon as he came home, and wed someone else. That must have been a crushing blow. We were all so heartbroken for him, but I never liked Jean, myself. I thought he could do much better!” And then the first of her guests had arrived, and Mrs.
Browning had gone to greet them.
Mrs. Channing saw no reason to tell her hostess that she’d seen Ian Rutledge before, once, but only at a distance. She hadn’t needed to include him in that silly business at the table to know his secrets.
War, she thought, is such devastation for the living—for the dead—and for those who are not sure any longer where they fit in.
But that brought her little comfort. There were some things that one couldn’t explain away.
Grace Letteridge lay awake as well. The woman who cleaned for her on Tuesdays had told her she had seen Constable Hensley coming out of Frith’s Wood.
“I was taking the Christmas bells to the attic for the rector. The window was all dusty, and I took out my rag to clean away the worst of it. And I could just see him, hurrying away on that bicycle of his, for all the world like a hunted man. I can’t for the life of me understand why he goes there. You’d think he’d stay away, like everyone else.”
She shook her head, considering the constable’s foolishness. “But then he’s not one of us, is he?” she added. “Else he’d know.”
A guilty conscience, Grace thought now. It makes people do foolish things. Betray themselves, even.
She turned on her side, not wanting to think about Hensley—or Emma.
Emma was dead, and yet she might as well be alive.
What was it the Romans believed? That a spirit wandered if the body wasn’t given decent burial? Emma’s wandered.
Grace was certain of it, and it gave her no peace.
Someone knew the secret of what had happened to Emma Mason. And Grace was convinced it was Hensley.
Why else had he failed to find Emma’s murderer?
3
Mid-January 1920
Rutledge stood on the cliffs above Beachy Head Light.
Below him the gray waters of the Atlantic moved in angry swirls, clawing at the land. All around him the grass seemed to sway and dance, whispering in the echoes of the wind like disturbed voices.
He had come here after a difficult twenty-four hours forcing a would-be murderer to give himself up and release the hostages he had taken in a small cottage outside the village of Belton. The man, tired and unshaven, unrepentant and silent, offered no explanation for stabbing his wife. He went with the constables without giving them any trouble, and the local man, Inspector Pearson, had said only, “I was convinced in the end he’d kill all his family. It’s a miracle he didn’t. In for a penny, in for a pound. We can only hang him once.”
“He had nowhere to go,” Rutledge pointed out. “And whatever anger was driving him, it had finally burned away.” He could still see the eyes of the man’s mother-in-law, staring at him in undisguised relief, something in her face that was old, as if twenty-four hours had aged her. Her daughter, trembling with exhaustion and pain, allowed the doctor to wrap her in a blanket and take her away in his carriage to his surgery. Blood had soaked through her dress, and her hands were clenched on the blanket’s folds as if to hide the sight. Her mother had followed in a second carriage with an elderly aunt, a thin, pale woman who appeared to be in shock. Even the ex-soldier standing near the horses mirrored her numbness, his face turned away.
As soon as the affair had been dealt with and he was free to go back to London, Rutledge had driven instead toward the sea, leaving his motorcar and then walking down to the cliffs. Beyond lay France. It was said, during the war, that the big guns could be heard here along England’s coast.
But they were mercifully silent now. Had been for a year and two months.
Looking back over that year, he could recognize his own long struggle to survive. The strain, the tension, the con-stant badgering of Hamish in the back of his mind had taken their toll. Jean’s defection... The still unsettled business with his godfather in Scotland. And now the letter from Westmorland.
Had he really fallen in love, there in the north? Or had he been beguiled by those easy domestic moments in the kitchen, when life had seemed so simple and comfortable?
A lonely man could have mistaken such brief respites for feelings that weren’t there—on either side.
He couldn’t be sure anymore. Even though he’d gone over and over his own emotions.
Elizabeth Fraser’s letter had ended: It is better for me to live as I am, where I am, than to imagine I could fit into any other world. I have a history in London. It would do no good to pretend I haven’t. And I don’t want to reawaken the memories there. They would be too painful. Don’t come back to Westmorland, Ian. I beg of you. I am safer alone...
He was too tired to try to work it out. As long as Hamish was there, in the shadows of his mind, he’d be mad to love anyone. It was reckless even to consider the possibility. He had nearly got Elizabeth killed, after all. He shuddered.
What would he have done then? Mourned her as his lost love? From guilt?
He could hear Hamish’s derisive laughter.
A small stone, dislodged by his shoe, ran down to the cliff’s edge and tumbled over, out into space. He watched it spin out, then disappear into the sea far below.
It would be easy to step over the face of the cliff after that stone and end the struggle, end the uncertainty, silence the voice, crush out the ghostly faces of men he had led and failed. It was tempting. It was in some ways the answer he had postponed in the hope that somehow he would heal.
“It’s no’ so simple,” Hamish said. “Leaping o’er the edge willna’ change the past. And it canna’ change what you are. Ye’ll be dead and so will I. Ye’ll ha’ killed me twice. That too will be on your soul.”
The voice was clearly Scots on the wind, coming from nowhere, and it was steel. After a moment, without answering, Rutledge turned back the way he’d come, to where the motorcar was waiting.
He had already turned the crank, heard the engine ticking over, and was climbing in, when something on the driver’s seat caught his eye.