“Let’s get out of here,” he said. “Let’s take a walk. Jennie won’t be back for a while, will she?”
“She went to a party. The neighborhood boycott seems to be easing.”
“Then let’s go. Please, Karin. I need some air. I have to think.”
They walked out of the house and down toward the river. It was a mild night, dark clouds scudding over a thin crescent moon. They walked through the woods and then sat on the flat rock overlooking the railroad tracks and the water. They lighted cigarettes. In the glow of the match, she saw his face — troubled, vulnerable, youthful. Again she wanted to touch him.
“What is it, Hank?” she said.
“The trial begins Monday,” he said.
“Yes?”
“I’ve got an airtight case for Murder One. I spent a month knocking the case together, a month tracking down every possible lead. And today, today I... tonight, reading over my notes, my carefully prepared notes, my meticulously prepared case, tonight I’m puzzled. Tonight, I don’t know. I don’t know what the hell to do.”
“Isn’t the case a good one?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. No, it isn’t. Damnit, it isn’t. It’s no damn good at all! Karin, I found out today that the victim was a gang member himself! I couldn’t believe it at first. How could a blind kid become involved with thugs, with hoodlums? But I had some members of the Horsemen brought in, right to the precinct, and I questioned them in the detective squad room, and they all admitted it. Rafael Morrez was a member of their gang. A highly valuable member, as it turned out. His blindness practically guaranteed immunity from the law.”
“So?”
“So where does it end, Karin? Where the hell are the boundaries? Not only was he a member of the Horsemen, but two of the boys who killed him had seen him on at least one previous occasion. Which means they might have recognized him on the night of the murder. And if they did, then they knew he was a blind boy when they killed him.”
“Then on the one hand you have the cold-blooded murder of a known blind boy, and on the other a victim who is not entirely blameless himself.”
“Well, it shouldn’t matter what Morrez was. I mean, what the hell, if a racketeer is killed, we still prosecute his murderer. It only matters in that... Karin, I’m just not sure what’s right or wrong any more. I’ve finally got a report from the police lab on those knives. The report — Karin, I’m supposed to convict those kids! I’m supposed to prove they’re guilty of murder. That’s what I’ve been working on. That’s the assumption I started with, and that’s what I’ve been building my case to prove. But when I talk to them, when I get the feel of them, when I know them, and their parents, and the whole damn gang structure, and the streets, those goddamn long, dark streets... Karin, Karin.”
“Darling, please don’t.”
“All of it has suddenly become something which defies my concept of right and wrong.”
“Murder is wrong, isn’t it?” Karin said.
“Yes, of course it’s wrong. But who committed this murder? Who’s responsible for this murder? Do you see what I’m driving at?”
“Not entirely.”
“The kids did the actual stabbing, yes. But is the final act the one to examine? Too many things led to this killing. If I blame these kids, I’ve also got to blame their parents, and the city, and the police — and where does it end? Where do I stop?” He paused. “Karin, I’m not a crusader.”
“The law tells you where to stop, Hank. Your only concern is the law.”
“As a lawyer, yes. But I’m also a person. And I can’t very well separate the part of me that’s a lawyer from the rest of me.”
“Nor can you separate the killer in these boys from...”
“I know I can’t. But what made them kill? Damnit, Karin, that’s my point. They killed, but does the simple fact of murder make them killers?”
“I think you’re involving yourself in semantics, Hank. If they killed, they are guilty of murder. That’s all you should concern yourself with.”
“Do you believe that, Karin?”
“I’m trying to help you, Hank.”
“But do you believe what you just said?”
“No,” she answered. Her voice was very low.
“Neither do I.” He paused. “I’m not a crusader.”
“Hank—”
“I’m not a crusader, Karin. I never have been. I guess maybe we can thank Harlem for that. I guess maybe I’m a coward at heart.”
“Hank, no. You’re a very brave person.”
“Karin, I’ve been afraid. I’ve been afraid for so long, so long. I think that’s the legacy of the streets. Fear. Fear that’s always there, always ready to explode inside you, a keg of gunpowder with a lighted fuse, waiting to explode, waiting to — to destroy you. I... I...”
“Hank, please don’t. Please, you mustn’t.”
“I carried it with me during the war, always there, always inside me, waiting, waiting, fear, fear! Of what? Of life! Of day-by-day living. Fear that started when I was a kid, until all I could think of was getting out of Harlem, getting away from the place that bred the fear, and when I did get out it was too late, because the fear was something that was a part of me, like my liver or my heart. And then I met you.”
She took his hand and she held it close to her face, and he could feel the wetness of her tears against his palm. He shook his head.
“You begin — you begin to doubt, Karin. You’re faced with the overwhelming terror of the streets, and inch by inch it eats away at you until you wonder who you are, what you are. Are you a man? If you were a man, why’d you lose your girl to someone else while you were away? Why’d you allow your grandfather to die? Why are you afraid all the time? What the hell are you? What are you?”
He pulled her to him suddenly, awkwardly. She could feel his body trembling in the darkness.
“And then you. You, Karin — warmth, and light, and wonder. And suddenly the fear left me for a little while, until — until I began thinking you’d loved someone before me, you’d known someone before—”
“Hank, I love you.”
“Yes, yes, but...”
“I love you, I love you!”
“...I wondered why there had to be someone else, why, why? And I was afraid I’d lose you, the way he’d lost you, what’s the matter with me, Karin? Don’t I know you love me, didn’t I know you broke with him, you wanted me, me, but it got all mixed up with the fear inside me until... until...”
He was crying now. She heard his tears, and she went weak with helpless terror. Her man was crying, and she did not know how to stop him, her man, her man, and there was no more pitiful sound in the universe than the sound of his tears in the darkness. She kissed his wet face, and she kissed his hands, and he said again, very softly, “I’m no crusader. Karin, it scares me. The enormity of it scares me. I know what I should do but I... I’ll go into that courtroom on Monday morning, and I’ll pick my jurors and I’ll try the case for first-degree murder because that’s the safe way, the easy way, because—”
“No. Don’t say it.”
“Because I’m—”
“Don’t!” she said sharply. “Don’t!”
They were silent for a long while. He took a handkerchief from his back pocket and blew his nose. The clouds had covered the moon completely now. The flat rock was in complete darkness.
“Shall we go back?” she asked.
“I’d like to sit here for a while,” he said softly. “If you don’t mind.”
“Jennie will be coming home.”
“You go back. I’ll be all right.”
“All right.” She rose and smoothed her skirt. She stared at him in the darkness, unable to see his face. “Shall I make some coffee?”