The water will help, she said to herself. Because in water you no longer have to support your heavy body; you are not lifted into greater mekkis but you do not care; the water erases everything. You are not heavy; you are not light. You are not even there.
I can’t go on dragging my heavy body everywhere, she said to herself. The weight is too much. I cannot endure being pulled down any longer; I have to be free.
She stepped into the shallows. And walked out, toward the center. Without looking back.
The water, she thought, has now dissolved all the pills I carry; they are gone forever. But I no longer have any need for them. If I could enter the Mekkisry… maybe, without a body, I can, she thought. There to be remade. There to cease, and then begin all over. But starting at a different point. I do not want to go over again what I have gone over already, she told herself.
She could hear the vibrating roar of the Mekkisry behind her. The others are in there now, she realized. Why, she asked herself, is it this way? Why can they go where I can’t? She did not know.
She did not care.
“There she is,” Maggie Walsh said, pointing. Her hand shook. “Can’t you see her?” She broke into motion, became unfrozen; she sprinted toward the river. But before she reached it Russell and Seth Morley passed her, leaving her behind. She began to cry, stopped running and stood there, watching through fragmented bits of crystal-like tears as Thugg and Wade Frazer caught up with Seth Morley and Russell; the four men, with Mary Morley trailing after them, rapidly waded out into the river, toward the black object drifting slightly toward the far side.
Standing there, she watched them carry Betty Jo’s body from the water and up onto land. She’s dead, she realized. While we argued about going into the Wittery. Goddam it, she thought brokenly. Then, halting, she made her way toward the five of them who now knelt around B .J. ‘s body, taking turns at giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
She reached them. Stood. “Any chance?” she said.
“No,” Wade Frazer said.
“Goddam it,” she said, and her voice came out broken and lame. “Why did she do it? Frazer, do you know?”
“Some pressure that’s built up over a long period of time,” Frazer said.
Seth Morley stared at him with violence flaming in his eyes. “You fool,” he said. “You stupid bastard fool.”
“It’s not my fault she’s dead,” Frazer chattered anxiously. “I didn’t have enough testing apparatus to give anyone a really complete exam; if I had had what I wanted I could have uncovered and treated her suicidal tendencies.”
“Can we carry her back to the settlement?” Maggie Walsh said in a tear-stricken voice; she found herself almost unable to speak. “If you four men could carry her—”
“If we could float her down the river,” Thugg said, “it’d be a lot less work. By river around half the time is cut off.”
“We have nothing to float her on,” Mary Morley said.
Russell said, “When we were crossing the river I saw what looked like a jury-rigged raft. I’ll show you.” He beckoned them to follow him to the river’s edge.
There it lay, trapped into immobility by an extrusion of the river. It lay undulating slightly from the activity of the water, and Maggie Walsh thought, It almost looks as if it’s here on purpose. For this reason: to carry one of us who has died back home.
“Belsnor’s raft,” Ignatz Thugg said.
“That’s right,” Frazer said, picking at his right ear. “He did say he was building a raft somewhere out here. Yes, you can see how he’s lashed the logs together with heavy-duty electrical cable. I wonder if it’s well-enough put together to be safe.”
“If Glen Belsnor built it,” Maggie said fiercely, “it’s safe. Put her on it.” And in the name of God be gentle, she said to herself. Be reverent. What you’re carrying is holy.
The four men, grunting, instructing one another as to what to do and how to do it, managed at last to move the body of Betty Jo Berm onto Belsnor’s raft.
She lay face up, her hands placed across her stomach. Her eyes sightlessly fixed on the harsh, midday sky. Water dribbled from her still, and her hair seemed to Maggie like some hive of black wasps which had fastened on an adversary, never again to let it go.
Attacked by death, she thought. The wasps of death. And the rest of us, she thought; when will it happen to us? Who will be the next? Maybe me, she thought. Yes, possibly me.
“We can all get on the raft with her,” Russell said. To Maggie he said, “Do you know at what point we should leave the river?”
“I know,” Frazer said, before she could answer.
“Okay,” Russell said matter-of-factly. “Let’s go.” He guided Maggie and Mary Morley down the riverside and onto the raft; he touched the two women in a gentle manner, an attitude of chivalry which Maggie had not encountered in some time.
“Thank you,” she said to him.
“Look at it,” Seth Morley said, gazing back at the Building. The artificial background had already begun to phase into being; the Building wavered, real as it was. As the raft moved out into the river—pushed there by the four men—Maggie saw the huge gray wall of the Building fade into the far-off bronze of a counterfeit plateau.
The raft picked up speed as it entered the central current of the river. Maggie, seated by Betty Jo’s wet body, shivered in the sun and shut her eyes. Oh God, she thought, help us get back to the settlement. Where is this river taking us? she asked herself. I’ve never seen it before; as far as I know it doesn’t run near the settlement. We didn’t walk along it to get there. Aloud, she said, “Why do you think this river will take us home? I think you’ve all taken leave of your senses.”
“We can’t carry her,” Frazer said. “It’s too far.”
“But this is taking us farther and farther away,” Maggie said. She was positive of it. “I want to get off!” she said, and scrambled to her feet in panic. The raft was moving too swiftly; she felt trapped fear as she saw the contours of the banks passing in such quick succession.
“Don’t jump into the water,” Russell said, taking her by the arm. “You’ll be all right; we’ll all be all right.”
The raft continued to gather speed. Now no one spoke; they rode along quietly, feeling the sun, sensing the water… and all of them afraid and sobered by what had happened. And, Maggie Walsh thought, by what lies ahead.
“How did you know about the raft?” Seth Morley asked Russell.
“As I said, I saw it when we—”
“Nobody else saw it,” Seth Morley broke in.
Russell said nothing.
“Are you a man or are you a Manifestation?” Seth Morley said.
“If I was a Manifestation of the Deity I would have saved her from drowning,” Russell pointed out caustically. To Maggie Walsh he said, “Do you think I’m a Manifestation?”
“No,” she said. How I wish you were, she thought. How badly we need intercession.
Bending, Russell touched Betty Jo’s black, dead, soaked hair. They continued on in silence.
Tony Dunkeiwelt, shut up in his hot room, sat cross-legged on the floor and knew that he had killed Susie.
My miracle, he thought. It must have been the Form Destroyer who came when I called. It turned the bread into stone and then took the stone from her and killed her with it. The stone I made. No matter how you look at it, it goes back to me.