“Yeah, that sounds like the kinda bullshit somebody would make up.” They took their place in line as a dirt farmer and his wife stepped in front of the photographer’s camera. A vendor walked past, selling some sort of snack that looked like barbecued meat on a stick. Realizing he was hungry, Albert fished a penny out of his pocket and bought one.
“So.” Anna smiled. “We know what kind of girl you like. What kind of girl do you not like?”
“Huh?”
“Like, what’s the worst quality for you in another person?”
“Oh, that’s an interesting question.” Albert smiled as he bit into the meat. He chewed twice, immediately registered that it tasted like fermented dog shit, and spat it onto the ground.
Anna continued. “That deal-breaker thing that you absolutely cannot tolerate. For me it’s tobacco-chewing. I don’t care how much a guy smokes, but if he chews, forget it. There’s no way I’m kissing that. And he’s definitely not going down on me.”
“Wow, that’s beautiful,” said Albert. “You should stitch that into a pillow.”
“Oh, I have. It’s embroidered all fancy and it says, Don’t go snackin’ if you been tobaccin’.”
Albert couldn’t help but laugh.
Anna smiled and continued to press him. “What about you?”
He debated whether to be honest about this one, but there was something about Anna that made him feel like he could let his guard down a bit. “Um… well, you’re gonna think this is fucked up, because it is, but… I really can’t handle it when a girl looks like her dad.”
“Okay, that’s bizarre. Why?”
“Well… I mean, if I’m dating a girl, and then I meet her mom and dad, and it turns out she looks like him, and I see all the matching facial features and the bone structure and whatnot, from then on every time I kiss her, I’m very aware that I’m kissing the dad’s facial geography.”
“I see.”
“Yeah,” he continued. “I was dating this girl about ten years ago, and she and her family and I all went down to the creek for a swim one day, and her dad took his shirt off, and he had the exact same nipples as she did. I had to move to a different town for a while.”
She took a beat. “I’m surprised your girlfriend left you.”
Albert took the jab with a laugh.
By now they were next in line for a photograph, following a young couple in their early twenties. “Okay, hold still,” the photographer called out. He pushed the electric fuse, and the magnesium flash powder exploded. The young couple and the photographer were all killed instantly, their bodies blown to pieces and charred beyond recognition.
Albert and Anna quickly scurried backward and away from the calamity as clusters of fairgoers scrambled to retrieve buckets of water. “Jesus Christ!” Albert exclaimed. “This fucking fair! Every year something happens and, boom! People die.”
“Really?” Anna said, sounding almost as shaken as Albert.
“Last year there were two gunfights, a stage collapsed, there were two knife fights, a drowning, and the Indians attacked.”
“God, why are the Indians always so mad?” she wondered.
“I don’t know.”
“I mean, we’re basically splitting this country fifty-fifty with them.”
“They’re just selfish.”
They made their way deeper into the fairgrounds, where more barkers could be heard shouting over one another, each doing his best to compete for the attentions of the passersby.
“Sir! Sir and madam! May I divert your attention over here for a moment!” The weathered-looking peddler at the small kiosk appeared to be selling all manner of tonics, elixirs, powders, and salves. His eyes widened with eager delight as he registered Albert and Anna’s approach. He instantly set about arranging a display of his finest samples on the table in front of him. “Welcome, welcome! Can I interest you in a miracle cure? Only the finest healing tonics and elixirs procured from the farthest corners of the globe!” He presented Albert with a small green bottle.
Albert read the label. “Ogden’s Celebrated Stomach Bitters.” He looked up at the peddler. “Can I… can I just ask—celebrated by whom? Who’s celebrating stomach bitters?”
Anna took the bottle and turned it around to read the back. “God, look at the ingredients,” she said, wrinkling her nose. “Alcohol, cocaine, morphine, mercury with chalk—what the hell is mercury with chalk?”
“Science!” The peddler grinned with a theatrical flourish.
Albert continued reading the ingredients. “And red flannel. Red flannel? There’s shirt in here?”
“Pieces of shirt,” the peddler said with enthusiasm.
“Okay, thank you.” Albert handed the bottle back to him, offering a polite smile as he and Anna stepped away.
The peddler desperately grabbed another bottle, holding it up as he called after them. “Would you care to try some Parker’s Liquid Beef Tonic?”
Albert sighed. “You’d think these guys would know everybody’s caught on to the fact that it’s all just booze with fancier labels and—” He stopped in his tracks. “Oh, God.”
“What?” asked Anna.
“That’s them.”
Just ahead, strolling arm in arm and looking like bliss incarnate, were Louise and Foy. She sipped a glass of lemonade with a look of utter contentment on her face, as Foy whispered something in her ear. She turned and graced the moustachier with a smile so adoring that Albert’s heart plunged suicidally from his chest into the pit of his stomach. To make matters worse, there was no way to pass the two of them without being noticed.
Albert frantically grabbed Anna’s elbow. “Shit, here they come! Quick, let’s pretend you just said something funny.” Albert had already burst into loud, uproarious laughter before he realized he’d fucked up. “Wait, no—shit! You pretend I just said something funny!”
Anna grinned at him. “Come on, introduce me,” she said, taking his arm and pulling him forward.
“No!” he whispered frantically. “No, no, no, no—”
But by then it was too late. Anna waved enthusiastically at the two young lovers. “Hi, there,” she said. “Foy and Louise, right?”
“That’s right,” Foy said, his usual cocky confidence mixed with an air of amused curiosity.
There was an awkward pause as Anna turned her smile back to Albert. He knew he had no choice but to play along. “Uh, this is Anna,” he said nervously. “She’s, uh…”
“I’m his girlfriend,” Anna finished for him.
“She’s my girlfriend,” Albert said, reluctantly taking the cue. “The new GF. Big-time.”
“Lot of sexual activity with us,” Anna offered.
“Y-yeah,” Albert stuttered, shooting her a what-the-fuck glance. He turned his focus back to Foy and Louise, trying to roll with the cards Anna had dealt him. “Nonstop. I… I practically live inside her. So… y’know, if you ever want to write me a letter, you have to address it c/o Anna’s Vagina.”
Louise’s expression clearly indicated she’d already had enough. She clutched Foy’s arm tighter. “Sweetie, why don’t we go see the freak tent,” she said.
“Hey, we were just about to try the shooting gallery,” Anna piped in. “Wanna join?”
“Wait, what?” Albert turned to her with an expression of mild panic. The last thing he needed was for Louise to be reminded of how useless he was with a gun.
Anna smiled at Albert. “Come on, it’ll be fun,” she said with enthusiasm.
Louise’s gaze moved up and down Anna’s body. “Y’know, I actually have that same dress,” she remarked coolly.