“Afterlife,” Taog said, tussling the boy’s head. If anyone was carrying on a conversation in the halls of Olympus, Taog’s voice was how I imagined they would sound. Minus the accent, of course.
“And if they’re good, they get to come back and live again.”
“That’s right,” said Taog. He began tightening the laces on Hanno’s gloves.
“That is a fascinating concept,” I said as enthusiastically as I could.
“That’s what I want to do. Can I, master? I want to die and come back as someone else.”
“Who would like to come back as, little warrior,” the big Celt asked.
“It doesn’t matter. Anyone else is fine.”
“I think you should stay with us for awhile longer,” I said. “You’re far too much fun to have around.”
“I know. How much longer can I stay?”
“As long as you like. I know for a fact that Lady Tertulla has been looking for you. Why don’t we walk down together? I think she may have a treat for you.”
“Bye, Taog,” Hanno said, climbing out of the Celt’s lap. “There’s Brenus! Look at him go! Taog is too big to drive the chariot. I can’t make the sign with my gloves on. But we can pretend.” He pressed his hands together and bowed his head. “Watch over others,” he began.
“As Lugos watches over you,” Taog finished. He also bowed and linked his fingers. I don’t know what came over me, but I too made the sign, spoke the opening words and bowed my head toward Taog. He finished the prayer, but before his expression of wonder could fully form, I had already turned with Hanno in hand to walk back down the hill.
•••
On the last morning of Februarius, Hanno ran to tell me between gasps that the clinic had been closed for the day. As soon as Crassus finished with me, I walked quickly down the path to the front of the estate. There, the thick walls that kept the familia separate and ignorant of the travails of the human swarm below also housed our school and clinic. The sun was just about to break over the hills.
“I knew you would be here the moment you heard,” Livia said. She lay on the lectus in her small room, pale and lovely. “Take that look from your face and come sit by me.” I did as I was told. There was a sour smell in the room and a cloth-covered pail by her bedside. Livia took a sprig of mint from a vase by her nightstand and held my hand while she chewed it thoroughly. Then she lifted the cloth and spit the remainder into the pail.
“I’m not ill. Here, feel. Gently.” She guided my hands to her breasts and I felt their swollen weight. “Now,” she said, pulling me to her, “come kiss the mother of your child.”
Is it manly to cry at such joy? Why should grief be the only beneficiary of our tears? After all we had endured, there were salted drops enough that fell for sadness. I bathed my vulpecula’s cheeks with my happiness and did my best to balance the scales. We laughed between caresses and whispered breathless words of affection to mouth, eyelash and ear, but soon there was only one way remaining to express the distillation of a thousand lyric poems. I pulled away from her and asked with insistent eyes. She nodded once and raised her tunic. We were soon lost in a place we hoped never to be found. The sounds we made we did not hear. We were so close, yet still apart, maddened by the atoms that kept us separate. At last, even ecstasy flew apart and we disappeared entirely, blown into a space without thought or boundary or time. At the end, when I found myself in myself again, Livia was there to meet me, breathless and smiling. We lay quietly, holding each other, listening as the sounds of the world slowly became real again. Having gone to that emptiness together, it felt almost sad to return.
•••
Slaves are forbidden to marry. They may form a contubernium if the master permits, they may cohabitate, have children, live the simulacrum of a life. When I came to him in his office with the request and the news of Livia’s pregnancy, Crassus rose from his chair and came around his desk. I thought he was going to shake my hand, but he held me by the shoulders, told me I deserved every happiness, then embraced me like a brother. I blinked with surprise and suppressed pride. When he finally released me, his lips were pressed together in a tight smile and his eyes were shining. He rummaged through the clutter that surrounded his work space, but finally beaten, told me to take 25,000 sesterces for myself from the treasury. It wasn’t as if I did not know where the money was stored. I complained of his generosity, to which he responded it was worth every as to see an end to the pining he had had to endure for years.
With his wealth and the number of slaves already in his employ, another mouth to feed meant nothing to Crassus. His happiness for both Livia and myself was unsullied by greed. Not so with almost every other Roman slave owner, by which I mean practically every Roman citizen or freeborn. Even soldiers taking up the non-military life see that their “wives” have at least one, two if they can afford it. The more slaves, the more status. Coupling and procreation by their property is not only permitted but encouraged, for who would not be pleased to get something for nothing. Every child of a slave is born into that same condition, with no rights or property save those given them by the generosity of their masters. Anyone fortunate enough to own a mating pair of slaves is further gratified by the fact that, considering the foreign captives trudging to Rome each year by the thousands, they will be increasing their household with one whose native tongue will be Latin.
Malchus and Betto had conspired to have crafted a gift they were wise enough to present to me when Livia was absent. It was a set of six throwing knives and a supple leather belt to sheathe them. To Livia, they gave a pair of gold earrings with drops of carnelian swinging from gold strands. She thanked them from her heart, but chided that this was not a gift for both of us. While Malchus was saying that I had only to see her wearing them to know they were as much a gift for me as for Livia, at the same time Betto said that this was as much as they could afford. It is surprising that, considering the number of times Malchus has slapped his friend on the back of the head, Betto has not developed a bald spot.
With her husband’s permission, Tertulla gave us the most stunning gift: a week at their summer villa in Baiae, with no responsibilities or duties other than those small and gracious labors of affection we chose to give to each other every waking moment of each day. Of the nights, suffice to say that Livia was a patient teacher, and I an willing and adventurous student. In our absence, Eirene had eagerly volunteered to watch over Hanno and he, in turn, was not unhappy to share her little cubiculum with her until our return. Her fondness for him was genuine, to which the boy readily responded.
While we were gone, I never gave Lucius Curio a single thought. Not even once.
Upon our return, Livia moved her things into my quarters. Most of her trinkets were Egyptian. I was especially fond of her beaded collars and anklets. By ‘fond,’ I mean they stirred something base and primal within me, and I am at a loss to explain it. One of the myriad lessons Livia taught me was that some things lend themselves better to experience than understanding. Knowing my taste in this, she would sometimes greet me in bed wearing nothing but a necklace of nephrite lozenges, strung tight about her neck, and a gold anklet above her painted toes. This was the playful Livia, not the workaday version. Her preference was to wear no adornment, but the Egyptians were renowned in the arts of arousal, and during her years there, Livia had learned them all, and learned them well. It was not my place to ask how, or with whom. Or to think about it over much.
I could not wait till Livia and I could share a cup of wine, hold hands and speak of how the day had gone. It became ritual for me to watch her unbind her hair and comb its lengths made gold-red by the lamplight. I sat mesmerized on our bed. She would call me a romantic fool, and I would ask her, who of us, then, was the greater fool, the besotted lover, or the woman who loves him? Waking in the luxuriant stretch of her arms was a miracle that to my amazement, repeated itself each morning. Romans may not have called our pairing a marriage, but it was that in every way but name. We knew that Crassus would never dream of it, but he could, if he was of a mind, sell either one of us at any time. Even though the threat was virtually non-existent, its lesson was clear: life is tenuous, joy is fleeting. Who knew this better than we? Some nights when we made love, we found that we could weave ‘forever’ from one timeless moment to the next. It was enough. It had to be.