CHAPTER VI
SATURDAY MORNING
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PHIL LOOKED IN at Paddy’s door as soon as she was up on Saturday morning. The early sunlight came in softened and dimmed through the drawn curtains, and the boy lay curled comfortably, with cheek and nose burrowed into his pillow, fast asleep. She looked at him with her love like a warm, golden weight in her, and was drawing back silently when a faint movement in the shadows of one corner arrested her.
Simon was sitting in a chintz-covered chair, drawn back where the light could not reach him. He was looking at her by the time she saw him; but she knew very well that until that moment he had been watching Paddy’s sleep. He looked as if he had been there half the night. Maybe he had. He had his own key, and she hadn’t heard him come in.
Only a few days ago she would have stiffened in jealousy and suspicion, willing him away, and stared her orders unmistakably. Now she stood looking at him thoughtfully and calmly, and in her heart she was sorry for him. It was the first time she had ever achieved that. This morning she was sorry for everybody who wasn’t herself or Tim, and hadn’t got a son like Paddy; and sorriest of all for Simon Towne, who had had one and lacked the sense to hang on to him while he had him. She smiled, meeting his tired and illusionless eyes. He got up very quietly, as though she had warned him off, and followed her out of the room and down the stairs.
“I’ll grind the coffee,” he offered, following her into the kitchen. He was handier about the house than Tim, and quieter. She supposed widowers of long experience—nearly fifteen years now—easily might be. She began preparing breakfast. Even the solid blue and white crockery looked new, as if to-day everything began afresh. But not for Simon.
Not because she had the better of him, and knew it, but because he was a figure so much more appealing now that he was shaken and vulnerable and fit for sympathy, she had never liked him so much before. But you couldn’t alter Simon, or teach him anything, just by liking him better. He would have to learn the hard way.
“Have you been to bed?” she asked, slicing bread.
“No. I brought the Land-Rover down with Paddy’s bike aboard, and then fetched the car and went for a long ride. Then I came home and lay down for a bit, and had a bath. I hope I didn’t disturb you when I came in?”
“No, I didn’t hear you. How long have you been guarding Paddy’s sleep?” She didn’t sound either suspicious or resentful; he found that surprising, and for some reason it pricked a spring of resentment in him.
“I don’t know. A couple of hours or so. I enjoy looking at him. Do you mind?”
“No, I’m glad. I enjoy looking at him, too.” She came from the pantry with a bowl of eggs balanced on one hand, a jug of milk in the other. Simon left his grinding to take the eggs from her, and being so near, leaned impulsively and kissed her cheek, without apology or explanation. Phil smiled at him. “It’s all right, Simon. I know what happened to you, when you were afraid Paddy was gone for good. But do you know what happened to him? A fifteen-year-old bubble burst, my dear, and we’re none of us ever going to be the same again. Miss Rachel got annoyed because Paddy was cheeky to her, and because she thought he didn’t appreciate his good home as he ought. So she told him he only enjoyed it on sufferance. He knows now that he—” She couldn’t say: “He isn’t ours.” because it wouldn’t be true; it would be more monstrously untrue now than it had ever been before. “He knows we adopted him. That’s what happened to Paddy.”
Simon put the eggs down very carefully on the kitchen table, and straightened up to turn upon her the gravest face, and the least concerned for the effect it might be producing upon the outside world, that she had ever seen him wear. After a long moment of quietness he asked in a voice that was avoiding strain with some care “Did she tell him he was really mine?”
Phil smiled. He hadn’t chosen the words as a challenge or a claim, in a sense he hadn’t consciously chosen them at all, but they still indicated his implicit belief in their truth. “No, she didn’t. But she told me she could have. After all this time, why did you tell her?”
“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I suppose I simply wanted somebody to know, just so that I could talk about him and be understood. Preferably somebody who’d feel sorry for me, to tell the whole truth. But I never meant this to happen, Phil. I suppose it’s because of what I told her that she had this thing in her mind, a stick all ready to beat him with when he offended her. I’m sorry! I never thought of anything like that.”
“I know, I’m not blaming you.”
“But since he knows so much—I don’t know that I’d feel there was anything now to stop me from telling him the rest.” He turned on the gas ring and put on the kettle with steady and leisurely movements. A fine spark of intent had kindled deep in his eyes, and that meant mischief. The faintest hint of the usual bold quirk twitched at the corner of his mouth, and again his face had a wayward acquisitiveness about it. Tamsin’s hackles had risen at sight of that debonair and much-admired face with which he pursued his dearest objectives, but it hadn’t taught him anything.
“You won’t have to bother,” said Phil. “I’ll tell him myself.”
“You?” He was surprised into a genuine laugh.
“I haven’t much alternative now, have I? You must know very well that the first thing he’s going to ask me, when he gets round to thinking about it seriously, is: Who am I? Of course I shall tell him.”
She turned and looked at him sharply, and saw exactly what she had expected to see, the sleek glow of triumph and speculation and hope warming his face into golden confidence. She closed the oven door with a crisp slam.
“Look, Simon, wake up, while there’s time. It isn’t going to do you any good, you know.”
“Isn’t it? Phil, you’re positively inviting me to see what I can do. Aren’t you afraid I’ll sneak him away from under your nose even now? Don’t you think I could?”
“I know you couldn’t,” she said steadily. “I don’t think you’d even try, if I begged you not to. But I’m not begging you—am I? I don’t have to, Simon, that’s why. You couldn’t get him away from us now whatever you did, fair or foul. You’ve had a long innings, charming the birds from the trees, and getting golden apples to fall into your lap whenever you smiled. You can’t realise, can you, that it isn’t going to last for ever? The high days are over, Simon, middle age is only just round another corner or two. You’d better start settling for what you can get, because the long holiday’s running out fast. And whatever you do, you won’t get Paddy.”
For a moment it seemed to her that his brightness had grown sharp and brittle, and his eyes were staring at something he would rather not have seen. Then they took heart and danced again.
“What will you bet me?” he said with soft deliberation.
Remembering the long years of friendship through which Tim had followed him around patiently, picking up the things Simon dropped and putting together the things Simon broke, she wondered for a moment if her motives were as pure as she would have liked. But if it was vengeful pleasure that was prompting her to invite him to his downfall, why was this moment so sad, so strangely the shadowy reverse of the serenity and joy that made this morning a portent and a prodigy? And why should she feel so much closer and kinder to him than she had ever felt before?
“I should be betting you Paddy, shouldn’t I?” she said, gently and quietly. “What more do you want?”