“I’m not.”
We continued to walk slowly. In many places, the ground had become marshy.
“I suppose you don’t like it very much, do you, Mother?”
“Like what, Niki?”
“The way things are with me. You don’t like me living away. With David and all that.”
We had come to the end of the orchard. Niki stepped out on to a small winding lane and crossed to the other side, towards the wooden gates of a field. I followed her. The grass field was large and rose gradually as it spread away from us. At its crest, we could see two thin sycamore trees against the sky.
“I’m not ashamed of you, Niki,” I said. “You must live as you think best.”
My daughter was gazing at the field. “They used to have horses here, didn’t they?” she said, putting her arms up on to the gate. I looked, but there were no horses to be seen.
“You know, it’s strange,” I said. “I remember when I first married, there was a lot of argument because my husband didn’t want to live with his father. You see, in those days that was still quite expected in Japan. There was a lot of argument about that.”
“I bet you were relieved,” Niki said, not taking her eyes from the field.
“Relieved? About what?”
“About not having to live with his father.”
“On the contrary, Niki. I would have been happy if he’d lived with us. Besides, he was a widower. It’s not a bad thing at all, the old Japanese way.”
“Obviously, you’d say that now. I bet that’s not what you thought at the time though.”
“But Niki, you really don’t understand. I was very fond of my father-in-law.” I looked at her for a moment, then finally gave a laugh. “Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps I was relieved he didn’t come to live with us. I don’t remember now.” I reached forward and touched the top of the wooden gate. A little moisture came away on my fingers. I realized Niki was watching me and I held up my hand to show her. “There’s still some frost,” I said.
“Do you still think about Japan a lot, Mother?”
“I suppose so.” I turned back to the field. “I have a few memories.”
Two ponies had appeared near the sycamore trees. For a moment they stood quite still, in the sunshine, side by side.
“That calendar I gave you this morning,” I said. “That’s a view of the harbour in Nagasaki. This morning I was remembering the time we went there once, on a day-trip. Those hills over the harbour are very beautiful.”
The ponies moved slowly behind the trees.
“What was so special about it?” said Niki.
“Special?”
“About the day you spent at the harbour.”
“Oh, there was nothing special about it. I was just remembering it, that’s all. Keiko was happy that day. We rode on the cable-cars.” I gave a laugh and turned to Niki. “No, there was nothing special about it. It’s just a happy memory, that’s all.”
My daughter gave a sigh. “Everything’s so quiet out here,” she said. “I don’t remember things being this quiet.”
“Yes, it must seem quiet after London.”
“I suppose it gets a bit boring sometimes, out here on your own.”
“But I enjoy the quiet, Niki. I always think it’s so truly like England out here.”
I turned away from the field, and for a moment looked back towards the orchard behind us.
“All those trees weren’t here when we first came,” I said, eventually. “It was all fields, and you could see the house from here. When your father first brought me down here, Niki, I remember thinking how so truly like England everything looked. All these fields, and the house too. It was just the way I always imagined England would be and I was so pleased.”
Niki took a deep breath and moved away from the gate. “We’d better be getting back,” she said. “I’ll have to be going fairly soon.”
As we walked back through the orchard, the sky seemed to cloud over.
“I was just thinking the other day,” I said, “perhaps I should sell the house now.”
“Sell it?”
“Yes. Move somewhere smaller perhaps. It’s just an idea.”
“You want to sell the house?” My daughter gave me a concerned look. “But it’s a really nice house.”
“But it’s so large now.”
“But it’s a really nice house, Mother. It’d be a shame.”
“I suppose so. It was just an idea, Niki, that’s all.”
I would like to have seen her to the railway station — it is only a few minutes’ walk — but the idea seemed to embarrass her. She left shortly after lunch with an oddly self-conscious air, as if she were leaving without my approval. The afternoon had turned grey and windy, and I stood in the doorway as she walked down to the end of the drive. She was dressed in the same tight-fitting clothes she had arrived in, and her suitcase made her drag her step a little. When she reached the gate, Niki glanced back and seemed surprised to find me still standing at the door. I smiled and waved to her.
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