Close behind me, Wicky said, “Stop right where you are!” I practically jumped out of my skin, till I realized she was talking to J.P. He had padded in without my noticing; he was reaching for the crystal paperweight on the desk. “Don’t touch, Jape,” Wicky said. “What are you up to?” she asked me.
“Oh, just browsing,” I said.
She came over to stand next to me, carrying J.P. in her arms. “A Tradition Repeated” I told her, gesturing toward Jeff’s ledger.
I was hoping to get her reaction — her private, unvarnished views on Our Lady of the Stock Market — but she must have thought I was commenting on the whole shelf-load, because she said, “Yes, they’re very inspirational, aren’t they?”
Diplomatically, I took a sip of my drink. Except that the glass was empty and the ice cubes crashed into my nose.
“I feel so bad for your mom,” Wicky said. “Now that angels are the latest thing, she worries you-all’s will look faddish.”
“You feel bad for my mom?” I asked. I was trying to find the connection.
“She was telling me, just the other day: ‘It used to be that angels were unusual, but now they’re in every bookstore; they’re on every calendar and wall motto and needlepointed cushion; they’re little gold pins on every lapel. Ours will be lumped right in with all those tacky newcomer angels,’ she told me.”
“They aren’t hers,” I said. “Mom is not even a Gaitlin! What’s she all het up about?”
“Well, you know how she is.”
I certainly did. If Mom had had her way, she wouldn’t have merely married a Gaitlin; she’d have arranged to have a Gaitlin blood transfusion.
We went back out to the living room, where Dad and Jeff were discussing the new software they’d bought for the office. Mom headed off to the kitchen to see about dinner. J.P. wanted more ginger ale, but Wicky told him no. “It’s the learning curve that worries me,” Dad said, and Jeff said, “Yes, I’m very concerned about the learning curve.”
The symphony on the stereo was building louder and louder, ending and ending forever. It reminded me of some huge, frantic animal crashing around the bars of its cage.
How come I always got the feeling that somebody was missing from our family table? I had thought so from the time I was little, toting up the faces at dinner every night: Mom, Dad, Jeff, me … It was such a pitiful showing. We didn’t make enough noise; we didn’t seem busy enough, embroiled enough. In the old days, I had thought we needed more kids. Two was a pretty lame amount, it seemed to me. Maybe we should have had a girl besides. I’d have liked that. It might have helped me understand women a little better. But my parents never obliged me.
Then later, when I got married, I figured Natalie would liven things up — I mean, at holiday meals and such. She didn’t, though. For one thing, she was too quiet. Too demure, too well mannered; spine never touched the back of her chair. Also, she didn’t last all that long. Eighteen months from wedding to bust-up. Opal was out of the picture before she got her own place setting, even. As for my sister-in-law, by the time she appeared I’d quit hoping. It’s not that I had anything against her, but I had come to realize we would never be the kind of family I’d envisioned.
So there I sat at my birthday dinner, just going through the motions. “Great, you made the potato dish.” That sort of thing. “Please pass the rolls.” Mom had to tell her story about the New Year’s Baby That Wasn’t: how I had all but promised to be the very first birth of the year (name in the papers, free diaper service, six-month supply of strained spinach), but then, of course — of course! — had loafed about and procrastinated and shown up three weeks late. And that got Wicky started on Punctual-to-the-Minute J.P. We all turned, synchronized, to beam at J.P. in his high chair. “Not to imply that he was a speedy birth,” she said. Wonderfuclass="underline" the Difficult Delivery Story. The rest of us were excused from inventing another topic for a good quarter hour. We fixed our eyes on her gratefully and nodded and tut-tutted.
Then I started having this problem that afflicts me every so often. I’m listening to someone talk, I’m the picture of attentiveness, and all at once I just know I’m about to burst out with something rude or disgustingly self-centered. I might say, for instance, “You think your labor pains are so interesting? Let me describe this tight feeling that’s seizing up my temples.” Because I did have a tight feeling. I felt overly aware of the art piece above the sideboard — actual knives and forks and spoons, bent into angular shapes and leaning out from the canvas in a threatening manner. “You wouldn’t believe how my nerves are just … jangling!” I might have said. But apparently I didn’t say it, because everyone was still nodding at Wicky.
At the end of the meal, Mom rose to clear the table, shooing away all offers of help. “I won’t serve the cake just yet,” she said as she set out the cream and sugar. “We’ll wait for Len.”
“Or go ahead without him, why don’t we,” I suggested.
“Oh, he’ll be here by the time I get the coffee poured.”
Dreamer.
While Mom was matching cups to saucers, Wicky remembered my birthday present and took it from her purse: a red silk paisley tie wrapped in red tissue. I hadn’t worn a tie since Grandmother Gaitlin’s funeral, but I put it on right away — knotting it around my bare neck, since my shirt didn’t have a collar. “Thanks, Wicky. Thanks, Jeff,” I said. “Thank you very much, J.P.” Then I said, “Want to see what Opal gave me?” I dug the money clip from my pocket and passed it around. Everyone admired it. I said, “You should have seen the card that came with it. There was a really good drawing of me on the front.”
“Oh,” my mother said, “that child is just growing up without us! It’s not fair.”
“I was thinking she might come stay with me for a week or two this summer,” I said. “She’s getting old enough, I figure. I ought to be taking part in her life a little more.”
“Stay in that basement room of yours?” Mom asked.
“Well, yes.”
“I hardly think so, Barnaby. Maybe here, instead.”
“There’s nothing wrong with my place!”
Mom just pursed her lips and poured me a cup of coffee.
I’d been planning to mention my angel next. I mean, just jokingly. Tell how I’d half imagined she had instructed me to be more of a father. But somehow the moment had passed. A silence fell. The only sound was the clinking of spoons against cups. Finally Wicky started a story about one of her famous cooking disasters, but she interrupted herself to mop up J.P.’s spilled milk; or maybe she just lost heart. I said, “Mom? Do I get cake, or don’t I?”
“Well, but what about Len?”
“Whose birthday is this, anyhow?” I asked.
“I hate to just go ahead,” she said, but she stood up and went out to the kitchen. She came back with the cake held high in front of her: chocolate icing and a blaze of candles. We’re not much for singing in my family, but Wicky started “Happy Birthday,” and so the others raggedly joined in. “Make a wish! Make a wish!” Wicky chanted at the end. Poor Wicky; she was carrying more than her share of the burden here. Although J.P., banging his spoon on his tray, might be willing to help in a couple more years.