No matter if he never wanted anything to do with her again, Kat needed him to hear it.
She allowed herself a moment to release a few more tears. They were tears for Carter and the pain he was no doubt in. Tears of the anger she felt toward her mother for doing that to the man she loved; tears for Nana Boo and the awful situation she’d unwillingly become a part of, and tears for her father.
Jesus, how she missed him.
She was so sorry he wasn’t there.
She was so sorry for everything. So sorry and so tired.
Before she could think any more about the shitty mess she’d found herself in, blissful, quiet sleep overcame her.
* * *
There was a noise.
Nestled on the edge of Kat’s consciousness, in a place between dark and light, and reality and dreams, there was definitely a noise.
In her sleep-induced haze, Kat flung her arm out to press the alarm on the digital clock in an effort to stop the—
knock knock knock
Blinking back the sleep gluing her eyes together, Kat sat up, disoriented, slowly becoming aware of her surroundings.
Nana Boo’s favorite suite. The Drake Hotel, Chicago.
With her now-dead cell phone still clasped in her hand and her clothes warm and damp from sleep sweat, she shuffled to the edge of the bed. She flicked on the bedside lamp, drowning the room in elegant light. She listened again, frowning in frustration, wishing her brain would shake itself awake so she could focus properly.
There was nothing.
Silence.
Of course there was only silence. Why had she expected anything else?
Maybe it had been a drea—
knock knock knock
Kat lifted from the edge of the bed and made her way across the bedroom and into the large sitting room of the suite, flicking lights on as she went. Who the hell? She couldn’t remember ordering room service. Cursing herself for not noting the time, Kat dragged her feet toward the door, rubbing her face while simultaneously fixing the nest-like hair residing on her head.
knock knock knock
“Hang on a second,” Kat called sleepily. “I’m coming.”
Ignoring the peephole and muttering about the numerous locks on the door, Kat was still talking toward her feet when she finally got the thing open.
“Sorry,” she apologized, suppressing a yawn. “I was asleep. What’s the prob—”
Kat’s words died in her throat when her eyes met the tall, unexpected figure standing before her. He wasn’t even standing, in fact; he was sagging against the doorjamb with water dripping from his chin and down the sides of his tired face.
His beautiful, perfect face.
“Carter,” Kat squeaked, dazed, unsteady on her feet, and still believing she was dreaming. “Where the— What are …”
Her eyes traveled down his body in disbelief. His clothes were saturated, clinging to his strong form, and the knuckles of his hands were white from the cold. His lips were tinged a dark blue and, as she stared at him with now-wide-awake eyes, she realized he was shivering.
“Jesus, you’re freezing,” she exclaimed, coming to her senses. “Come in and—”
“No,” he rasped, shaking his head and licking the water that subsequently fell to his lips. “I can’t.”
Kat’s heart stuttered. “Why?”
He kept his eyes to the floor. He shook from head to toe and made a pained noise that came from deep within him.
“Carter, you’re going to get sick,” Kat coaxed. “Please.”
“No!” he said loudly, too loudly for a sleeping hotel. “I need …” His chin dropped. “I have to say something first.”
Kat’s knees started to buckle. This was it: what she’d dreaded the most. He was leaving for good. Her heart skipped several beats and her insides clenched in preparation for the devastating impact of his words.
She cleared her throat and exhaled. “Please let me say something first.”
She took his silence as acceptance, even though his eyes remained glued to the sumptuous royal-blue carpet below their feet. Closing her eyes and praying she was able, she began to think of all the things she wanted to say to him.
“I’m so sorry, Carter,” she started. “I’m so sorry for everything. I shouldn’t have brought you here. It was selfish of me. My mother was— Everything she said was bullshit, Carter, I promise you. She’s the only one who believes it. I hate her for what she said. I hate her for making you doubt everything I’ve ever said to you. And I don’t blame you. I don’t blame you for walking away because I would have done the same, and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from the things you were so scared of. God, I’m just so sorry.”
Kat dropped her forehead against the door, terrified it was going to be the last time she ever spoke to him. But she’d said all she could.
“I’m sorry, too,” he uttered, making Kat lift her head. He was still looking at his feet.
“You have nothing to—”
“Let me fucking finish,” he snapped, squeezing his eyes shut. “I need to say this without you interrupting or arguing with me, okay?”
“Okay,” Kat agreed quickly.
“I have plenty to be sorry for,” he ground out through his teeth, pressing his clenched fist against the wall. “I’m—it’s—you’re, you’re … you’re everything to me, and I’m sorry I was such an idiot to have believed I was ever good enough for you.”
Kat pressed her lips together and cupped a hand to her mouth to stop the words of protest.
“I’m sorry I’m weak. I can’t—I—you wreck me, Kat. Things you say to me. The way you … love me. They do things to me, your words; they make me feel things no one else has ever made me feel. I’m sorry I’ve done shitty things, and I was a fuckup—am a fuckup. I can’t ever take my mistakes back. I hate that fact, but I can’t. They’re what they are and I’m who I am because of them.”
His body collapsed farther against the door frame. Kat stayed rooted to the spot, desperate to touch him, comfort him.
“I’m sorry I left,” he whispered. “I shouldn’t have, I know I promised, but it was … so fucking hard.” He pressed his forehead against the wall. “I was terrified that— Christ, I knew I should have just stayed in the room and not listened, but I wanted to know what she— I grabbed my bag and left,” he admitted. “Snuck out of the house like the fucking coward I am. I didn’t know what else to do. The walls were closing in.”
“Carter.”
“I felt sick when I heard her say those things,” he continued. “Sick because I knew she was right. And I know you don’t agree, but she’s your mother, Kat, and she cares about you. She doesn’t want you with someone like me, and I get that, I really do. Shit, it kills me, but … I get it.” He shrugged one shoulder. “I figured it was better for everyone if I left.” His long lashes pressed against his cheekbones. “I shouldn’t fucking be here.”
He stood, motionless, silent.
All Kat heard was the pounding of her heart. Her skin was clammy and the knot of helpless terror in her gut tightened incessantly. “Then … why are you here?”
The corner of Carter’s mouth twitched. “Walking out of that door, Kat, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He pressed a hand over his heart. “When I left there was this pain, like a, I don’t know … It was— It took my breath away. And the farther I walked away from you, the more painful it became. I … I thought I was dying.”
She knew exactly what he meant. There’d been nothing but pain for her since the moment she’d realized he’d gone.
“I walked and walked,” Carter continued. “I was so mad with myself. I knew I had to keep going, and I tried. You have to believe me. I tried so damned hard. But, my heart. Jesus, it was— It was fucking breaking.”