“Listen to me, I can explain! It’s not what you think.”
“Isn’t it?”
He didn’t have an answer. He just sat there on the couch, his mouth slightly open, as if I’d just taken away the last precious thing he had. But I didn’t feel bad. He had done it to me.
Now he knew how it felt.
On the drive home, I tried to see the road through the tears that had sprung to my eyes, blurring my world until I finally had to pull over. I leaned my head against the steering wheel and cried. And it wasn’t just for Devin—though I felt torn up inside about it. It was for Asher too, still so far away, who loved me, and who I loved, but who I questioned, because that was the way my heart worked.
And I cried for me. Because I had committed to this path, and I would stick with it, but every day that passed it got harder, and I didn’t know if it was the right one anymore.
17 
The next morning was sunny and bright. My mood was the opposite.
I woke with a headache that must have been residual from my crying jag. When I looked in the mirror, my stomach sank. My face was blotchy and red, and my eyes looked like bees had attacked me in my sleep. Perfect.
I did the best I could with moisturizer and makeup and came stomping downstairs wearing black skinny jeans and my heavy boots. My life philosophy was something along the lines of, when life starts feeling out of control, put on a pair of motorcycle boots and kick it in the shins.
Sometimes it worked, sometimes all it did was make Aunt Jo give me the raised-eyebrow look she was giving me now.
“Tell the biker gang I need you home by ten tonight,” she said drily.
I ignored the look and the comment and went to the fridge to forage for a cucumber. I took it out, cut a few slices, tilted my head back, and placed them over my eyes to wait for the de-puffing magic to work.
“Those are for eating,” Earth pointed out from the kitchen table. “That’s a waste of food.”
“I’ll eat them after,” I muttered.
“I think Skye’s having a bad day,” Aunt Jo said to Earth. “Why don’t you go upstairs for a bit so I can talk to her?”
“Fine. But I’m really good at talking.” She sighed and mumbled something under her breath as I heard her patter to the doorway, then stop. “You should take an umbrella today. It’s going to rain.”
I didn’t even bother removing the cucumbers or looking at her. “It’s totally sunny out!” I yelled. “It’s not going to rain!”
“I’m just saying—”
“And if it does I’ll make it go away!”
The little girl said nothing, and I instantly felt bad for yelling at her.
“Take one anyway,” she said quietly, and then I heard her patter out of the room.
“You okay?” Aunt Jo came up beside me. I felt a hand on my back. The fact that she wasn’t making a funny comment about how hard it is to raise teenagers unnerved me. A few months ago, she would have made a joke, and I would have said something snarky and evasive, and I never would have thought to take actual advice from a grown-up. But everything was so different now. Aunt Jo had gone from being someone I kept secrets from to someone who understood my secrets maybe better than anyone.
“No,” I said, taking the cucumbers off my eyes. “I’m not okay. Look at me! I’m a mess! I’m hideous! No wonder Asher is fighting against me, he’s probably decided to just give up looking for a way for us to be together, and is off right now gallivanting with some stunning Rebel and plotting my destruction. Astaroth is right. How the hell am I supposed to do this?” I could feel the tears coming again, hot and angry and frustrated, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. “I can’t save the world! I’m just some stupid teenager with a crush and puffy eyes.”
Aunt Jo took the cucumbers from me and put them on the counter. Then she took my hands in hers.
“Everyone has bad days, Skye,” she said. “And no matter what anyone tells you, anyone who has ever done anything brave or risky or flat-out revolutionary has never not questioned if what they were doing was right.” She smiled at me and sighed. “I’m not saying that you don’t have a lot on your plate right now. But think of it this way. Today—right now? It’s only puffy eyes. And the swelling will go down, I promise.”
“I look like a Botox accident,” I said.
“You look beautiful. Now get to school, and stop pouting. Maybe today will be the day we’ll find James.”
“We can only hope,” I said. I sniffed and patted my face dry. “Okay. I think I’m ready to face . . .” I motioned toward the outside world. “That.”
“That’s my fighter.” I walked to the hall and grabbed an umbrella from the bin by the door. “And Skye?” Aunt Jo followed me out.
“Yeah?”
“Remember what I said, about following your own star?” I nodded slowly, not sure what I was about to agree with. She hesitated. “You don’t have to wait for him, you know.”
“Aunt Jo,” I said. “There’s no one else I could ever want.”
“That’s not what I—”
“I have to go,” I said. The last thing I wanted right now was to hear a lecture about how I should be dating other guys. “Out of everyone, I thought you would understand.”
I rolled the windows down on my drive to school, hoping the spring air would be good for de-puffing my skin. What was Earth talking about? The sky was a cloudless blue, stretching and sparkling across the mountainous horizon. I squinted against the sun and flipped down the visor.
My talk with Aunt Jo had given me a renewed burst of strength. I just had to put my head down and keep going. That was the only way I would succeed. And the first thing I had to do, no matter how much it pained me to do it, was give my friends the bad news about prom. In the face of all this looming disaster, that was the one bright spot they’d been looking forward to. And I hated to ruin it for them.
Being prepared is way better than being excited, I rationalized. Right?
I didn’t have to wait long. The gang was at my locker when I got there.
“How’d your talk with Manning go?” Ian asked.
“Oh, you know. Get a perfect score on all my finals or else burn in hell forever. No big deal.”
“Yikes,” said Dan.
“That is ridiculous.” Raven tossed a sheet of glistening blond hair over her shoulder. “You don’t have time to worry about stupid tests and meaningless grades. You have more important things to focus on, Skye.”
“Yeah, like what shoes to wear for prom,” Cassie said, walking up. Cassie was really good at missing the first half of a conversation and continuing on with absolute confidence. “Skye, I got these black open-toed bootie cage heels. You’re gonna freak.”
Dan grinned at her. “Let’s leave the freaking to you and me. I have a special date planned for us tonight.”
“Ooh!” Cassie squealed, clapping. “Where?”
“It’s a surprise,” said Dan. “But I think you’ll like it.”
“What is happening to you, man?” Ian groaned. “Since when did you become a guy who plans special dates?”
“Since I rocked his world, Ian. Deal with it,” Cassie snapped. “Now, about our special date . . .”
Dan grinned at Ian and shrugged.
“You are so whipped,” Ian muttered. Then he added, “It wouldn’t kill you to plan a special date for me every once in a while. . . .”
“Does somebody need some attention?” Raven said drily.
“And on that note,” Cassie said, “what should I wear?”
Dan mulled this over. He wore the same jeans and navy blue zip-up hoodie every day. Outfits weren’t his strong suit.