“It’s not weird,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m . . . I’m grateful for it.”
His mouth twisted in a painful smile. “I found a way to do it without you knowing. But it meant I had to sacrifice something for you. I was able to pull away your emptiness, to take it out of you, so all you felt when you were with me was good. I’m the one who felt cold and empty. I took your pain as my own. And you never knew.”
All I could do was stand there quietly, letting his words sink in. Earth turned over in her sleeping bag, and Cassie snored loudly.
“Can I ask you something?” I said finally. “The early days? The ones before you—” I paused, and he nodded uncomfortably before I had to say more. “Everything between us then—that was all real?”
“Every minute of it,” he said. “But so much has happened since then. I know those moments are lost now, forever.”
My eyes began to fill with unexplainable tears.
“I know,” I said. “It wasn’t always easy, but—I’ll always keep those memories someplace safe.” He had been looking at the ground, but now he looked up at me. Those blue eyes of his always had a way of piercing right to my heart. When our eyes met, I knew it was true. I would always hold them close.
“So will I,” he said.
“I guess I’ll see you next in battle.”
“What?” He frowned. “Skye, I’m here because I’m leaving the Rebellion.”
“Where are you going?” I gasped. “You mean you’re not going to fight?”
“Oh, I’m still going to fight. But I’m going to fight with you.”
For a second, I was sure I hadn’t heard him right. But as the words sunk in, I thought I understood.
“You really are a Rebel now, aren’t you?”
“It would appear so, yes.” He grinned at me, almost shyly. His eyes were so impossibly blue. “Who’d have thought that I would finally become a real rebel, just as I’m leaving them?”
The floorboards creaked behind me, and Devin looked up sharply. I whipped around to see Raven, hovering in the doorway.
“Devin?” she said softly, standing there self-consciously in her borrowed T-shirt and pajama pants. Her lower lip trembled. When I turned back around to Devin, his eyes looked glassy.
“Hey,” he said. He moved toward her quickly and they stood facing each other.
“You came.”
“I had to. Raven, I—I’ve been so confused. I didn’t know what love, real love, was until I jumped from the Order. For so long, I confused love and longing. For what I couldn’t have. And who I couldn’t be. But Skye was right—I didn’t know what it meant to love, not really. I thought it was winning. But love is falling, isn’t it? It’s giving up what you’ve fought so hard to control—and being okay with that. Since being free, I’ve realized something, Raven. We’re a team. We always have been. And I—I need you.” She crossed her arms and snorted. “I know, you probably never want to see me again after what I did to you,” Devin continued. “But if there’s a chance . . . even a small one . . .”
Raven looked up at him, a bewildered expression on her face.
“What do you want, Devin?” she asked.
“We were forced together by fate. But somewhere along the way, I fell for you, Raven. I want to be able to choose you.”
She put her hand on her hip.
“Do you mean it?”
Devin’s eyes lit up and a smile tugged tentatively at his lips.
“Do you forgive me?”
She opened her mouth to argue, but suddenly seemed to change her mind. Instead, she grabbed his face and pulled him toward her, and he wove his fingers through her glossy blond hair, and they kissed. And when they pulled away, they were both smiling.
“I’ll think about it,” Raven said. “But only because we’re about to go to war.”
My heart filled with an ache I couldn’t control. It was both happy and sad, full of contentment and a deep, gaping emptiness. Love doesn’t have to destroy worlds. It can bring them together.
Something tugged at my sweatshirt, and I looked down to see a pair of messy brown pigtails. And then, Earth’s innocent face tilted up at me.
“You don’t have to wait for him,” she said.
“Wait for Devin? I think it’s safe to say that’s over, Earth.”
She rolled her eyes at me. “Not him. Asher. You don’t have to wait for him to come back.”
That sounded familiar. Hadn’t Aunt Jo said almost the exact same thing?
Remember what I said, Skye? About following your own star? You don’t have to wait for him.
I’d thought she’d been telling me to forget about Asher, to move on with my life. But now I understood that she had meant the exact opposite. She was telling me to go get him. Devin had done it, even though the odds were stacked against him. Couldn’t I? There was a chance that Asher had turned, that he believed in the Rebellion more than he believed in us. There was a chance that he had hurt me and that he might do it again.
But if there was a chance for us—even a small one—it was a chance I had to take.
And suddenly, I couldn’t stand there another second. I could make my own destiny.
“Devin.” It was painful for me to say it. “I need your help. One last thing, while you’re still kind of a Rebel.”
“Of course,” he said. “Anything.”
I took a deep breath. I didn’t know what was coming. I didn’t know if the past was real or what the future held. But right then, in my heart, I knew what I needed to do.
I needed to find him. I needed to fight for him. In the time I had left, I had to show him how much I cared.
I needed to prove it.
“Help me find Asher.”
Devin and Raven looked at each other and squeezed hands. Then Devin turned to me and grinned.
“Let’s go get him, Skye,” he said.
24 
We stood together in the middle of the field. “The way to find a Rebel,” Devin said, “is to follow your heart.”
I paused, waiting for more. “Like, literally?”
“Yes. Rebels are guided by emotion, so the way into the Rebel realm is different for each person. You’re tied to it by what’s meaningful for you. And what’s meaningful to you is Asher.”
“Uh, I don’t get it.” Once again, we had fallen back into our same old roles as student and teacher. I grinned at Devin, to see if he remembered, and surprisingly, he grinned back.
“You have to follow a treasure map of all the places that mean something to you. The places you made special, because you were there together and for no other reason. You have to retrace the story of you and Asher. From beginning to end.”
“That’s practical,” I said.
“Well, it’s the Rebellion. They’re a faction that was founded on the guiding principle that you should let emotion guide your decisions.”
Because war forces you to make choices. And so does love. Maybe Ardith had it right all along when she said, Love can drive an angel mad.
We should have listened to her then, but it was too late now. And if I could go back to the beginning, to the night I’d turned seventeen, I’d make all the same choices. I’d fall in love with Asher all over again.
My heart was pounding out a manic rhythm in my chest. It vibrated through me, thrumming in my bones.
“Okay,” I said. “Okay. The very first time I saw Asher was on the night of my seventeenth birthday party. I went outside to get some air, and there he was.” I smiled to myself. “Standing in the shadows.”