"Our job, Jim, is threefold: Stop the Chtorran infestation. Provide a safe environment for human beings. Preserve as much of the Terran ecology as we can. There are a lot of different ways we can solve any single one of those three tasks. But solving each of those tasks is infinitely more important than who is president or what flag is flying on the flag pole or what language we speak or which government gets to take credit. How much it costs is irrelevant. We can afford it. However much manpower it takes, we'll do it. However long it takes, that's how long it takes. We'll do the job. It's not about being right. It's about getting the job done. And I promise you that the feelings of satisfaction and joy and enthusiasm that you will experience-even under the most horrifying and adverse of circumstances-will be incredible, so long as you never forget what your job is. To serve your fellow beings."
I nodded.
"There's just one more thing-" BANG!
-I looked up startled. As did everyone else.
Foreman was still holding the gun outstretched in his hand. Smoke was curling from the barrel. He had fired it into the wall. The silence in the room was a roar. And then the roaring in the room was deafening.
Foreman turned and put the gun down on the table. He held up a hand for silence.
"Don't get confused! The process is not over," he said. "The process will continue until McCarthy dies. The process will continue until each and every one of you die. You will go through The Survival Process each and every day of your life, for the rest of your life-every single minute of your life will be about one thing and one thing only: your survival. The only thing different is that after today, you will have it indelibly engraved on your consciousness that you are in The Survival Process.
"Is there another place to be? No. It is all survival.
"Don't get confused! Don't make the mistake of thinking that service is something you do instead of survival. No. Service is a way to transform survival from a chore to a challenge."
Foreman lowered his voice. We had to strain to hear him. "That has been the point of this entire exercise: to bring you to this moment of consciousness. The words are irrelevant, but the experience is indelible. The purpose of this process is to open you up to the possibility of service. Up until the moment that I fired that gun, you thought that service was just only a part of survival. I fired the gun to break that paradigm. You now have a mnemonic, a focus, something to remind you.
"This is the new paradigm. You are in The Survival Process, but survival is only the smallest part of service. That knowledge alone is enough to transform the rest of your life. It will force you m realize, over and over and over again: There is no other place-but what you do in this place makes all the difference in the world.
Foreman stood behind me. He rested his hands on my shoulders and spoke past my ear. "This is what life looks like from the inside.
"From this moment on, now that you know, every moment of your life is going to be about the choice between survival or service. I promise you, you cannot forget.
"Now that you know that you have a choice, you have space to choose. Now that you know the cost of investing your energy in survival, you can weigh that against the cost of investing your energy in service. What do you get out of survival? Anguish? What do you get out of service? That's what the rest of this training is going to be about."
Foreman let go of my shoulders and stepped out to the edge of the platform. "Now, one more thing. I mean it when I say, 'Don't get confused.' I did not lie to you. The process is not over. It continues until you die. I did not mislead you. You misled yourselves. What I said was, 'I will use the gun. The process will continue until McCarthy dies.' I never said that McCarthy would die today, but you were all so locked up in survival thinking that you made connections that were never there. Yes, I played into those false connections deliberately-I allowed you to think what I knew you were thinking, but you want to notice that you didn't listen. Had any single one of you listened carefully to what I said, we would have had to do this process in an entirely different way, but we could not do it any other way while you were still stuck in Your false connections.
"Some of you are going to be convinced until your dying day that I played a trick on you. Don't fall into that trap! You'll miss the point of the exercise. You are still in The Survival Process. It continues until you die."
There was a forest of hands waving, but Foreman turned to me first. "McCarthy? What are you feeling?"
I was laughing. "I feel disappointed. I mean, I was almost looking forward to dying. I was starting to . . . I don't know. I feel like a damn fool." I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop laughing.
"I suppose I should be so fucking angry at you I want to wring your fucking neck-but I feel so good. You know what I feel? I feel more alive than I have ever felt in my entire life!" There were tears running down my cheeks. Foreman reached over and touched my hand.
"You know what I feel?" I blurted. "I'm feeling every emotion in the world, all at once. I'm feeling joy and aliveness and giddiness-and grief, oh, God I'm so full of anguish-and fear and despair at being so trapped in death-and anger and rage at you for doing this to me. And . . . oh, God, this is overwhelming!"
Foreman was holding me. "That's right, Jim, that's right. What you're feeling is birth-rage. Have you ever noticed how angry babies are at being born? Look at their faces. That's what you've got now. And it's mixed up with curiosity and wonder and joy, the same way it is in a baby. You're fine. You're doing just fine."
I hated him and I loved him. Just like Jason.
But this was different.
Because this was us playing at god-this wasn't worms. There was a lot more than that. Foreman and I went down off the platform and everybody sat on the floor and we all talked. We talked about the responsibilities of human beings to each other and what it felt like to be trapped in human bodies.
We talked about what we really wanted.
And I know it sounds sappy and maudlin-but underneath all of it, we began to discover how much we really cared about each other; we even loved each other.
Not love like most people think of love, but love nonetheless.