What he was saying was true. "Right," I agreed.
Foreman refilled my champagne glass. He refilled Lizard's as well. She was listening to both of us, saying nothing.
Foreman said to me, "Who are you?"
"I'm James Edward McCarthy."
"No, you're not. That's a name you use to identify that body."
"Well, I'm this body then."
"No, you're not. That's just a body that you use."
"Well, then, I'm the person who uses this body."
"So? Who's that? Who are you?"
"I'm a human being!"
"So? What's a human being?"
I stopped. "I don't know what you want me to say."
"I want to know who you are, Jim."
"Well, none of my answers has been good enough for you."
"None of your answers is who you really are. You keep saying things that show that you think you're your name, or your body, or your species. Are you really?"
I thought about it. I didn't know what he was driving at. I said, "I don't know."
He said, "That's right. You don't. You don't know who you really are. And you don't even know that you don't know."
"I know now," I said. "This conversation is . . . sort of silly. I mean, I don't know what we're talking about at all. It's like a head game."
"Yes, it is a head game, Jim. That's why God gave you a head. You can't play football without a ball, you can't play head games without a head. That's all it's good for. Now, let me ask you the next question. Now that you know that you don't know who you really are, what are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know."
"Yes, you do."
"No, I don't."
"Saying you don't know is what keeps you unconscious. It keeps you stuck. It lets you avoid being responsible."
"All right. I guess I'm supposed to say that the next step is that I should find out who I really am. Except, I don't know how to do that."
"I didn't ask you if you knew how. That wasn't the question. Have you ever noticed that most people never answer the question that's asked them. They give you the reason why they won't answer it instead."
"What is all this about?"
"Lizard asked me to put you into the next Mode Training. I need to know if you really want to do it. Do you?"
I said, "I don't know."
Foreman smiled. "Thanks for being so honest. The purpose of the training is to reveal your operating modes, so that you can be aware of them and transcend them."
"Could you translate that into English?"
"It's really very simple, Jim." He scratched his ear. "Let me give it to you this way. Do you know how to surprise a fish?"
"Huh? No, how do you surprise a fish?"
"You reach very carefully into the tank, grab it by the tail and lift it up out of the water, just high enough for it to get a very clear view of the top of the water. You'll have to watch very quickly, but if you do, you'll see that fish get a very surprised expression on its face."
"Uh-huh." How far into his cheek was his tongue?
"Now-whatever you do, do not put that fish back into the same tank with other fish who have not also had the same experience."
"Why?"
"Why? Because that poor fish is now crazy by their standards. He'll be swimming around poking all the other fish, saying, 'Hey! This is water! We're swimming in water!' They're going to look at him sideways and swim off into the corner to say, 'Poor old fellow, he used to be so sensible, till he started talking about this water stuff.' That's how the Training works.
"We grab you by the tail, we lift you up out of the water you're swimming in, then we put you back in the water. You know why? You can't keep a fish out of water. It dies. The Training doesn't mean you won't be swimming in water. It just lets you see the water you're swimming in. That's called an operating conditionor a mode. The Training is the opportunity to discover your modes. Right now, you're unconscious to most of your operating states. So they run you. If you were conscious of them, you could transcend them. And you could be more responsible for the results you produce in the world.
"The Training is about your relationship with your own life. It's about being able to get out of the water long enough to see the water you're in. You can't see it while you're in it. This is about your natural ability to make great leaps. Most people are stuck underwater, Jim. This is the opportunity to learn how to fly."
"That doesn't tell me a lot."
"I know. The answer is unsatisfactory. If you knew what it was, you wouldn't need to do it to find out. I could explain it to you all day, but you still wouldn't know what it is." He grinned. "Would you rather spread whipped cream all over Lizard's body or would you rather have someone explain to you how to spread whipped cream all over Lizard's body?"
"I see the point," I said. "There's a difference between explanation and experience. We had that one in high school."
"Uh-huh. "
"I, uh, don't think I'm ready for it," I said.
"Of course, you're not. Nobody ever is. Do you want to do it anyway?"
I thought about it. I didn't know what I was saying yes to.
I felt as if there were another gun in my mouth. Live or die?
But . . . I loved Lizard. I would do anything for her. I looked at Lizard. She smiled at me, reassuringly.
I said, "Yes."
"No, that's not good enough." Foreman looked at Lizard. "Not yet, my dear. He's not ready."
She nodded. "I see it too."
"What are you talking about?"
"You're willing to do it for Lizard. But I don't know yet if you're willing to do it for yourself."
For a moment, there was a cool breeze across the top of Diamond Head. It smelled of the sea. I shivered. I said, "You're right. I don't really want to do it."
Foreman nodded. "So, don't. There's no pressure on you."
"Yes, there is-"
He looked at me and raised an eyebrow.
I looked at Lizard. "I'm sorry, sweetheart. But, I'm not completely human any more. There's things that you don't know. Neither of you. I don't feel that I should be trusted."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm deranged. Crazy. Damaged. I don't know where it started. Maybe with the renegades, maybe at Family. Did you know that I pulled the trigger on them?"
Foreman nodded. So did Lizard. He said, "It must have been a tremendously difficult thing to do."
"It was . . . exhilarating. I liked it. And . . ." I started to choke, ". . . I'm horrified at myself."
"Uh-huh."
"I liked them. They were good people. They were. They poured their love over everything and everybody. It was real. They'd even worked out how to live with the Chtorrans. They had an answer. I'm terrified that Delandro might have been right-that they were the future. Their way may be the only way that people can survive on the same planet with the Chtorrans.
"But, see, it's also the wrong answer. It's not acceptable. I'm so confused. I've been confused since the beginning. And it only gets more confusing. The only thing I've been able to hang on to is my rage."
I looked at Lizard. "I love you, but it isn't fair for me to let you love me; you deserve better than me. There are times when I think I know how crazy I really am. And I think I can handle myself. But I can't. I can't handle it any more. It's like that old Solomon Short quote: 'This neurotic pursuit of sanity is driving us all crazy.' "
Foreman started laughing. So did Lizard.
"Huh? What did I say?" I looked from one to the other.
"No, it's all right." Foreman held up a hand. "There's something you don't know. Who do you think Solomon Short is?"
"I never thought about it. Just some cynical old bastard who posts a quote on the network every day."
Lizard giggled. Foreman said, "Cynical, eh? Well, I won't argue with that one; but as far as I know, my parents were married."
"Huh-?" And then it hit me. "You're Solomon Short?"