A Rage for Revenge

"And you're going to awaken me?"

"No. You're going to awaken yourself. Or you won't." She chewed her apple thoughtfully. "Jason gave you the only choice you're capable of right now. Do you want to live or do you want to die? You said you want to live. That was your choice."

"And what if I'd said I'd rather die? What then? Would Jason have killed me?"

"James," she said patiently, "listen to yourself. If you were truly awake, survival would not be an issue for you. You flunked the test."

I thought about that. I said, "I'm sorry. I find that hard to believe."

Jessie shrugged noncommittally. In fact, she seemed emotionally detached from the whole conversation. "What you believe is irrelevant. "

"Not to me," I said. She didn't reply. "Okay. So, what happens next?"

"You'll be our guest. We'll give you the opportunity to contribute whatever you can. And after that, we'll give you the opportunity to be awakened. And after that, you'll have the opportunity to join the Tribe. Or not."

"And what happens if I fail somewhere along the way?"

"You fail."

"That's it?"

"Uh-huh. "

I was confused. "There's something you're not telling me, isn't there?"

"Nope. "

"Nope?"

Jessie stroked Loolie's long brown hair. She kissed the child affectionately. Then she looked up at me. "You see, you think failure means something. It doesn't. Failure isn't death. If you fail, we'll give you another chance to succeed. We'll give you as many chances as necessary. We want you to win."

"What about the threats on my life?"

"We haven't threatened your life at all, Jim. Nobody has. We asked you to give your word. You gave your word: Jason told you the consequences of breaking your word, so you gave your word. Since then-haven't you noticed?-nobody has held a gun on you, nobody is guarding you, nobody is threatening you at all. That's all in your mind."

"But if I tried to run away, you'd kill me, wouldn't you?"

"If you ran away, you'd be breaking your word, wouldn't you?"

"I wasn't given a choice-" I was starting to feel a little frustrated and annoyed.

"Yes, you were."

"But there was a gun at my head!"

"So it wasn't a real choice!"

"Yes, it was! The gun made it very real. And you're the one who chose-you chose to run your program. You're upset now because you think you didn't make that choice, but you did." There was no arguing with the woman. I shut up.

She continued. "The frustration you're feeling now is the very first step in your awakening. You're beginning to recognize the trap of being stuck in your own program. That's what that annoyance is."

She was wrong. I wasn't annoyed. I was positively hostile. I'd given my word, she said-but it had been under duress. And the law doesn't recognize contracts that are made under duress. All right, yes, it had been my "survival programming" speaking. So what? That still didn't give them the right to hold me prisoner. Except they weren't holding me prisoner, were they? I'd given my word I'd stay. I could just walk away, but that would be breaking my word-and the agreement was that if I broke my word, Jason could blow my brains out. So: if I followed my survival programming, I would have to stay. Or: if I chose to keep my word, I would have to stay.

I was confused. And I was angry. And I was lost in my own admiration of the neat little philosophical puzzle they had trapped my mind in. I could almost feel the circuits locking up in endless loops, hopelessly looking for a way out. Just like the spider.

And this time I knew that dirty limericks wouldn't work.

A lad with a marvelous bend
has no need of a lover or friend.
What he does to himself
would fill up a shelf,
but alas, he has come to his end.

8 Live or Die?

"It's easier to believe in God than to accept the blame ourselves."

-SOLOMON SHORT

They held me down while I screamed at them.

I raged and roared and struggled to break free. I wasn't going to let it happen again. Never again! I cursed at them until I was incoherent. An elephant was sitting on my chest, two grizzly bears were holding my arms. Godzilla was cracking my legs like a wishbone. I broke free one arm and punched at one at the bears. It said "Ooff." and fell back. I clawed at the elephant, and I was trying to reach Godzilla when the mountain collapsed on top of me again. I still didn't stop struggling.

"I'm not going to be brainwashed again! I'm not going through that another time!" I clawed my way upward. "I'll kill you! I'll kill you all, you mindsuckers!"

The rage turned red and I disappeared, screaming into it . . .

. . . and came out the other side, gasping for breath, too weak to move, tears streaming down my cheeks, crying in failure.

"That's good, Jim. Bring it all up."

"Fuck you."

"Good. Keep bringing that up too. All that anger. Get it all out."

For some reason that enraged me even more. I called him everything I could think of-in three different languages. I couldn't get him angry. He just stared at me impassively and waited. I gasped and croaked and gave up. I was defeated. Again. Too limp to move.

The mountain got off of me. Godzilla and the bears let go of my arms. The elephant got off my chest. They knew they didn't have to worry any more. I didn't have enough energy left to hate them. They'd won again. What would they turn me into this time?

I looked up and there was Foreman, kneeling over me. I couldn't read his face.

His expression was neutral, but his eyes were sharp and penetrating. Like Jason Delandro's had been. Foreman waved away the assistants who stood gathered and waiting around me. He said softly, "What's the matter, Jim."

"I'm not going to be brainwashed again!"

"Why do you think this is brainwashing?"

"Because-I've been brainwashed!"

"And that makes you an expert?"

"No-Yes! I don't know! But I know what's going on inside my own head! And I don't want to be here any more."

"The door's not locked," said Foreman.

"I can go?" I sat up and looked.

"Any time." His expression was unreadable. "Except you gave your word that you'd complete the course."

"I gave my word to Delandro, too-and I know how that turned out. "

"Yes, I know all about that. May I work with you for a moment?"

I wiped my nose with the back of my hand. I looked to the doors. I knew this trap. "You're going to anyway, no matter what I say. That's how this works."

"Was that a yes or a no, Jim? I need your permission."

"I don't want to be worked with," I said.

"All right." Foreman stepped back away from me.

"Huh? Is that it? I can go?"

Foreman nodded. "All I want to do is ask you some questions, Jim, questions that might help you see what's going on here. But if you don't want to, then you shouldn't be here."

I thought about it for a moment. This was very confusing. Part of me wanted to head straight for the door. And a part of me wanted an answer.

"Can I leave when we're through?"

"If you still want to," Foreman said, "you can leave." I decided to go for the answer.

"All right," I said. "Yes."

"Thank you. Would you come sit up on the dais?" He offered me his hand. I didn't take it. He didn't seem to notice the slight. He just pointed toward the high director's chair and patted my shoulder. "Just go on up there and sit down. Do you need a tissue?" He handed me a box of tissues, then turned to whisper something into the ear of the Course Manager who was waiting quietly to one side. I took the box with me up to the dais and sat down in his tall director's chair.