He was incredibly sincere. I couldn't hold onto my anger and hostility in the face of such sincerity.
"I guess . . . I don't know," I said.
He looked delighted. "That's good. Because that's honest. Most people don't admit it when they don't know. They make something up instead. You just crashed that program. Listen, here's what you need to know. You're already functioning at the extraordinary level. Ordinary people don't have this kind of conversation. Ordinary people don't talk about extraordinary experiences-so even talking about it is an extraordinary experience."
I was beginning to see what he meant. And something else. I was beginning to realize that I was going to have to become a part of this group if I wanted to learn the secrets they knew about the Chtorrans.
Jason must have seen the shift on my face, for he said, "Jim, I've been waiting for you for a long time. I didn't know who you'd be when you showed up, but I knew I'd recognize you when you did. I'm so glad that you're here now. You can make an incredible contribution here. I know it takes time to give up that filter of beliefs. I can wait. Time is on our side, the side of the new gods. Here's what you need to know. You're responsible for yourself. Nobody else. You probably learned that in Global Ethics, right?"
"Right. "
"You believe that, don't you?"
I shrugged. "Sure."
"Of course. Here, Jim, we don't believe it. We simply experience it. There's a difference between belief and experience. You'll see. Once you can experience your own responsibilitythat you are the source of everything that happens in your experience-then you will begin to demand results from yourself. Incredible results.
"That's what's happening here. We've upped the ante on ourselves. We've increased the gradient. We've made the challenge harder, so that the satisfaction can be that much more profound. When you can begin to recognize that what you believe is irrelevant, that the universe doesn't care what you believe, then you have the opportunity to put aside those beliefs and actually begin to live out of your natural ability to experience living. You see, belief---0f any kind-is a lie. It's like an out-of-date road map. And using your beliefs as a set of rules by which to operate is like insisting that the road map is still true, even when the road is no longer there."
"What if the road is still there?" I asked.
He grinned. "You know the answer to that one already. The map is not the territory." He put his hands on my shoulders. "I have an invitation for you. Every evening, we have a circle. Sometimes it's a seminar, where we go over data. Sometimes we play games or do exercises or processes. Sometimes we share ourselves. All of these circles have only one purpose: to keep us functioning at the extraordinary level. I'd like to invite you to join the circle tonight."
My natural reaction was to resist. I could feel my body beginning to stiffen under his grip. Jason didn't seem to notice. He kept looking into my eyes. It was as intense as if he were making love to me. And in fact, I wondered if . . .
"Do you want to join us?" he asked.
I hesitated. "I'm a little scared."
"Uh-huh. You have fear. What's underneath that?"
"I don't think I can trust you."
"Thanks for being honest. Anything else?" I might have told him he had two eyes for all the reaction he showed. He didn't seem to react to anything. It was as if all of his instinctive reactions had been somehow disconnected. It was almost mechanical, the way he maintained that unfailing good nature. It was annoying. And it was terrifying.
"You're-too smooth."
"Uh-huh. Good. Thanks for acknowledging that too. Anything else?"
"I've seen what Chtorrans can do."
"The wild ones?"
"Yeah."
"So you have a belief about what all Chtorrans will do, right?"
"Uh, yes. I'm scared of the Chtorrans. I hate them."
"Yes, I know. Anything else?"
"No. I think that's it."
"Good: Thank you. Do you want to join the circle tonight?"
"I thought I just told you all my reasons why not."
"Yes, you did. You told me all your reasons. Now, listen carefully. I'm not asking you if you will join us. I'm asking you if-in addition to having all those reasons, all those fears and considerations-you also have a curiosity or a desire to participate? You still don't have to, but I want to know how you feel about it. Do you want to?"
"Uh, yes; I'm curious:"
"Good. Curiosity is interest. It's the mildest form of want."
"Oh. So, you're saying I sort of want to?"
"No, you said it. Tell the truth. Do you want to?"
"Yes."
"Good. So there's your choice: You can sit in your room tonight and practice all your reasons, all your fears, all your considerations, all your excuses, all your explanations, all your beliefs, all your rationalizations, all your justifications, and play patty-cake with all that bullshit until you bore yourself to death. Or you can get off your ass and come down to the circle-which is what you want to do anyway-and find out the truth."
"Do I have to answer now?"
"No. I'll know your answer when you show up. Or not. Let me just give you this one question to consider. What's the worst that can happen?"
"I could die."
"You could die anyway, and your curiosity still wouldn't be answered, would it?"
"Yeah." I had to laugh. He might be a scoundrel, but he was a charming one.
He said, "I know you still have the thought that I'm some kind of a cult leader, some kind of a Manson, don't you?"
I admitted it with a nod.
"You think that underneath all my wonderfulness, I'm really a monster, right?"
It was hard to look at him. He glowed. "Uh, right," I admitted.
"Let me tell you the truth, Jim." There was an honesty in his voice that was undeniable. "I am a monster. By any human standards. I don't fit into any of those old belief systems, so you can't help but see me as something inhuman. I'm a threat-not t0 you, but to what you believe. Your mind has so much identity invested in the belief system that it has to destroy any threat to that system. That's me. I am that monster. And I know it.
"Do you know what makes me a monster? The fact that I'm committed to excellence. Most of the people on this planet are still committed to survival. They'll do anything to survive. That's what's monstrous: the things that people do to survive. There's a dreadful conspiracy for mediocrity in the world; the unwritten agreement is that mere survival is enough. But it's not enough, Jim. It's insufficient. I'm committed to excellence. I'm committed to human godliness.
"Jim-look at me. Can you honestly tell me that in the world you were living in yesterday, you were surrounded by people who were committed to the next step in human evolution? Or were they simply committed to survival? Come on, Jim; don't fade out on me. Is your experience of the United States Army that they are committed to human godliness?"
"Uh . . ." This hurt. My throat tightened painfully. "Some of them are very good people!"
"That's not what I asked you. I'm not denying that they're good people. What I asked you about was their commitment. What are they committed to?"
"The eradication of the Chtorran infestation from Earth." "Right. Survival."
"Uh."
"Right?"
"Right."
"Think about it, Jim. Have you been treated like a god in training? No. I'll bet my right arm that you haven't even been treated like a human being. You've been treated like a machine, haven't you? Admit it. You've been abused, betrayed, lied to. You've probably been put in life-threatening situations a few times, without anyone taking the time to explain why it was necessary. You haven't been allowed to be responsible for yourself. You haven't been allowed to do your best or live up to your potential, have you?"