"Jim," he held my face in his hands. "Around here, the answer is always yes. We never turn anybody away. We love you. We love you for your courage and strength and for everything you did right today. We even love you for what you did wrong, because we know why you did it. You did it because you care. I know you understand what I'm saying, Jim. I can see the tears running down your cheeks."
"Jason." I managed to gulp it out.
"Yes, Jim?"
"May I join the Tribe?"
"Yes, Jim. I'd like that." And he kissed me. They all kissed me.
It was one of the happiest moments of my life.
19
The Survival Process
"Truth never tranquilizes. The defining property of truth is its ability to disturb."
-SOLOMON SHORT
I lost count of the days.
It didn't matter anymore. I no longer marked time by what day it was, but by how the room was set up.
Every day, the chairs and the dais were arranged in a totally new pattern. We never saw the same arrangement twice.
One day, there might be a wide aisle down the center and the chairs all turned facing each other as if ready for a parade. The next day, all the chairs might be facing the blank wall toward the east. On the following day, there might be no dais at all and the chairs would be laid out in concentric circles around a wide arena. And the next day again, the arrangement would be different again.
At first, it had been confusing. I wasn't sure what the purpose was of rearranging the chairs every day; but after a while I had stopped being startled by the changes and begun being curious to see how many different variations they could run on the theme of chairs and a dais.
Today the room was set up with a high platform where the dais had been. It looked like a runway for a striptease show. The chairs were set up on both sides of the platform; they were divided into three sections on each side.
The platform looked a little too high and a little too uncomfortable. All that was missing was the gallows.
I sat down in the middle section of chairs and tried to get comfortable. Two women came in together. One of them asked me to move over one seat so they could sit together. I did it without thinking.
Something felt weird in the room, but I couldn't figure out what.
Foreman came in, exactly on time, as always. Today, he was wearing a white suit. He looked almost cheerful as he climbed the steps up to the platform and looked us over. His eyes were shining.
"Good morning," he said. "Today- all day, for as long as it takes-we are going to do a process called The Survival Process. The purpose of this process is for you to discover what survival really is-and what your investment in survival is." He grinned again. That was an ominous sign. I was beginning to recognize that Foreman's grins were always dangerous. "Survival," he said, "is not what you think.
"Let me say that again. Survival is not what you think. It is what you do. That's all you need to know about survival. Survival is what you do. But it's probably going to take some of you a while to get that, so that's why we do The Survival Process."
He circled along the edge of the platform, looking us over. "Now, I need two volunteers. No, put your hands down. We have to do this differently. If you are willing to do The Survival Process, please stand up."
He waited. There was a shuffling of shoes and chairs. A third of the trainees in the room had risen to their feet. It looked like a forest of brown jumpsuits.
Foreman shook his head unhappily. His voice became harder. "Every single one of you should have stood up." He lifted his hands and showed his palms as more people began to rise from their chairs. "No, no! Stop! Do not stand up because I told you that's what you should have done! That's being a robot! You are not robots! Or are you? Wait a minute; let's find out. All the robots, go to the back of the room and see the Course Manager! Go tell her that you're a robot and need to be lubed and oiled." He waited.
Nobody moved.
"Good. No robots. At least none who know they are. I suspect that there are more than a few of you who don't know yet that you're robots. But, we'll handle that too before this course is over." His grin was terrifying.
He strode around the edge of the platform again. "So, listen up now! Listen to the instructions very carefully this time. I'm going to say it again. If you are willing to do The Survival Process, please stand up."
There was more shuffling of shoes and chairs. About thirty more people stood up.
Foreman's expression was unreadable. He said, "I want you to notice what's going on inside your heads now. Some of you stood up to volunteer just now because you thought I was making it wrong to remain sitting. Some of you are sitting because you've learned that it's dangerous to volunteer. Some of you stood up in the first place because you think that makes you look good. Some of you stood up because you think volunteering is the right thing to do, or because you think this exercise might be fun, or because you wanted to be the one that everybody looks at. All of those thoughts-and all of the thoughts I haven't mentioned as wellthose are the votes that your survival mode is trying to cast on this process. Don't worry. Before we're through today, we're going to do major damage to your survival mode. We might even destroy it in some of you. You might have to reconstruct it in a whole new way. No, I won't explain that. Put your hand down." He stopped circling and looked out at us-at me? I couldn't be sure.
"Now, I want you to be clear: there are only two options here. Stand up or sit down. You can do either. What you do is an expression of your willingness to do The Survival Process. That's all we want to see right now. Whether you're willing or not.
"Now we haven't told you yet what the process is, or what may or may not happen here. That's part of the exercise, that it's unknown. All I will tell you about it is that it will take us all day and I need two volunteers. Now, I will repeat the instruction. If you are willing to do The Survival Process, then stand up. If you are not willing, then sit down."
Several people who were standing, sat down. Several more people stood up. I thought about it. I was beginning to get a sense of what Foreman meant. I stood up.
Foreman waited while we sorted ourselves out. "Anyone else want to change their mind?"
One more person sat down. Two more stood up.
"Some of you are trying to figure this out now. You're trying to outthink me. You're trying to look good. Notice that you're doing that. Notice that whatever you're doing, whether you're standing or sitting, you're doing it because you think that's the thing to do to survive this exercise. Notice that your survival mode is in full control of your mind, right this minute.
"Listen to me!" Foreman bellowed suddenly. "You are in The Survival Process whether you are willing to be here or not! We are going to do The Survival Process today. You don't get a vote about that. What you're expressing here is not if you will do it. You will do it. There's no question about that. What you are expressing is how you feel about doing it. Are you willing to do it?"
Several more trainees jumped to their feet. And just as many sank back down into their chairs. Foreman noticed, but didn't stop talking. "That's why I said that every single one of you here in this room should be standing up now. If you're not willing to be here, then what the hell are you doing here?"