A Rage for Revenge

"Now that you know that you have a choice, you have space to choose. Now that you know the cost of investing your energy in survival, you can weigh that against the cost of investing your energy in service. What do you get out of survival? Anguish? What do you get out of service? That's what the rest of this training is going to be about."

Foreman let go of my shoulders and stepped out to the edge of the platform. "Now, one more thing. I mean it when I say, 'Don't get confused.' I did not lie to you. The process is not over. It continues until you die. I did not mislead you. You misled yourselves. What I said was, 'I will use the gun. The process will continue until McCarthy dies.' I never said that McCarthy would die today, but you were all so locked up in survival thinking that you made connections that were never there. Yes, I played into those false connections deliberately-I allowed you to think what I knew you were thinking, but you want to notice that you didn't listen. Had any single one of you listened carefully to what I said, we would have had to do this process in an entirely different way, but we could not do it any other way while you were still stuck in Your false connections.

"Some of you are going to be convinced until your dying day that I played a trick on you. Don't fall into that trap! You'll miss the point of the exercise. You are still in The Survival Process. It continues until you die."

There was a forest of hands waving, but Foreman turned to me first. "McCarthy? What are you feeling?"

I was laughing. "I feel disappointed. I mean, I was almost looking forward to dying. I was starting to . . . I don't know. I feel like a damn fool." I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop laughing.

"I suppose I should be so fucking angry at you I want to wring your fucking neck-but I feel so good. You know what I feel? I feel more alive than I have ever felt in my entire life!" There were tears running down my cheeks. Foreman reached over and touched my hand.

"You know what I feel?" I blurted. "I'm feeling every emotion in the world, all at once. I'm feeling joy and aliveness and giddiness-and grief, oh, God I'm so full of anguish-and fear and despair at being so trapped in death-and anger and rage at you for doing this to me. And . . . oh, God, this is overwhelming!"

Foreman was holding me. "That's right, Jim, that's right. What you're feeling is birth-rage. Have you ever noticed how angry babies are at being born? Look at their faces. That's what you've got now. And it's mixed up with curiosity and wonder and joy, the same way it is in a baby. You're fine. You're doing just fine."

I hated him and I loved him. Just like Jason.

But this was different.

Because this was us playing at god-this wasn't worms. There was a lot more than that. Foreman and I went down off the platform and everybody sat on the floor and we all talked. We talked about the responsibilities of human beings to each other and what it felt like to be trapped in human bodies.

We talked about what we really wanted.

And I know it sounds sappy and maudlin-but underneath all of it, we began to discover how much we really cared about each other; we even loved each other.

Not love like most people think of love, but love nonetheless.

Sally-Jo taught erotic correction.
She told her student to get an erection.
"Put your dick in my mouth.
Move it north, move it south -
Now, you're getting a sense of direction!"

Her instructions were very explicit,
and more than a little illicit:
"Please fill up my cunny with fresh clover honey,
and butter my buns like a biscuit."

"Then wrap me up nice in a blanket,
and I'll sit on your staff while you crank it.
I'll put on some feathers,
and laces and leathers,
and wiggle my ass while you spank it."

"Now that your fingers are stinky,
tie me up in some chains that are clinky.
Bring in goats and a sheik,
give my titties a tweak
-and now, we can start getting kinky!"

"Forget what the chain and the whip meant.
Just get the straps and the slings and a shipment
of high-grade Vaseline,
and a strong trampoline,
and all of the other equipment!"

"Now, when we get all the bedsprings a-drummin',
that's when I'll start in a-hummin',
then quickly, my dear,
put it into my ear,
so I'll hear the sound of it comin'!"

"I don't know how much this is costing,"
said her student, still covered with frosting.
"But I can say with affinity
that I've lost my virginity.
Quite frankly, my dear, you're exhausting!"

65 Dirty Limericks

"Isn't it amazing how much fun two people can have just by taking off their clothes?"

-SOLOMON SHORT

Of course, we ended up in bed.

She unpinned her dark red hair and it fell in an auburn cascade to below her shoulders. She took off her blouse and her bra and I saw how pearl-smooth her skin was. Her breasts were rosy; they looked firm. She took off her underwear and I started to giggle. Her ass was freckled.

And she had the longest legs.

I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my life between those legs. She took me into her bed and into her body. I let go of my mind and let it happen. I dissolved into her freckled pink face, her tender red kisses.

She was a crimson ocean, stormy and wave-tossed. I was caught up in the rise and fall of her. I felt like a man caught in a whirlwind. My heart was racing-I could die here!-it didn't matter. I pulled myself up, pushed her knees up to her chest, and plunged in deeper. She wrapped her legs around me and began to gasp and laugh and cry. When she came, it was with a little shudder of delight, and then she pulled me close, hugging me even tighter as she held me and held me. I could feel her spasming and throbbing beneath me, around me, and I came too, exploding into her.

And then we collapsed into each other, rolling over onto our sides. I was still facing her, still inside her.

I let myself look into her eyes. She was beaming. "Hi," she said.

"Hi," I replied.

We lay there gasping for breath. "Now, I know," I said.

"Know what?"

"What it's like to screw a colonel. Always before, it's been the other way around."

She burst out laughing. "Believe me," she said. "It's far more fun screwing captains."

"Really?"

"Sure. You'll find out when you're a colonel."

"Mm, I love it when you talk dirty." I shifted my position, she smiled in response.

"Now, say general."

"Brigadier," she whispered.

"Oh, I can't stand it."

She giggled.

"Want to know something?" I said.

"What?"

"I've missed you."

"I've missed you too."

"You mean, I wasn't just a one-night stand?"

"No, you were; but whoever said that one-night stands couldn't be fun and affectionate too? You don't have to fall in love every time."

"Problem is, I did."

"Mm." She didn't answer that. "I didn't expect you to come back from that mission."

"Nobody did." I turned so I could look directly into her face. "You know, I used to wonder what it would be like to make love lo you."

"Really?" Her voice went soft. "What did you imagine?"

"Um . . ." I tried to remember. I couldn't. I started giggling.

"What?"

"I forgot."

"No, you didn't. You just don't want to say."