"Do you want to join us?" he asked.
I hesitated. "I'm a little scared."
"Uh-huh. You have fear. What's underneath that?"
"I don't think I can trust you."
"Thanks for being honest. Anything else?" I might have told him he had two eyes for all the reaction he showed. He didn't seem to react to anything. It was as if all of his instinctive reactions had been somehow disconnected. It was almost mechanical, the way he maintained that unfailing good nature. It was annoying. And it was terrifying.
"You're-too smooth."
"Uh-huh. Good. Thanks for acknowledging that too. Anything else?"
"I've seen what Chtorrans can do."
"The wild ones?"
"Yeah."
"So you have a belief about what all Chtorrans will do, right?"
"Uh, yes. I'm scared of the Chtorrans. I hate them."
"Yes, I know. Anything else?"
"No. I think that's it."
"Good: Thank you. Do you want to join the circle tonight?"
"I thought I just told you all my reasons why not."
"Yes, you did. You told me all your reasons. Now, listen carefully. I'm not asking you if you will join us. I'm asking you if-in addition to having all those reasons, all those fears and considerations-you also have a curiosity or a desire to participate? You still don't have to, but I want to know how you feel about it. Do you want to?"
"Uh, yes; I'm curious:"
"Good. Curiosity is interest. It's the mildest form of want."
"Oh. So, you're saying I sort of want to?"
"No, you said it. Tell the truth. Do you want to?"
"Yes."
"Good. So there's your choice: You can sit in your room tonight and practice all your reasons, all your fears, all your considerations, all your excuses, all your explanations, all your beliefs, all your rationalizations, all your justifications, and play patty-cake with all that bullshit until you bore yourself to death. Or you can get off your ass and come down to the circle-which is what you want to do anyway-and find out the truth."
"Do I have to answer now?"
"No. I'll know your answer when you show up. Or not. Let me just give you this one question to consider. What's the worst that can happen?"
"I could die."
"You could die anyway, and your curiosity still wouldn't be answered, would it?"
"Yeah." I had to laugh. He might be a scoundrel, but he was a charming one.
He said, "I know you still have the thought that I'm some kind of a cult leader, some kind of a Manson, don't you?"
I admitted it with a nod.
"You think that underneath all my wonderfulness, I'm really a monster, right?"
It was hard to look at him. He glowed. "Uh, right," I admitted.
"Let me tell you the truth, Jim." There was an honesty in his voice that was undeniable. "I am a monster. By any human standards. I don't fit into any of those old belief systems, so you can't help but see me as something inhuman. I'm a threat-not t0 you, but to what you believe. Your mind has so much identity invested in the belief system that it has to destroy any threat to that system. That's me. I am that monster. And I know it.
"Do you know what makes me a monster? The fact that I'm committed to excellence. Most of the people on this planet are still committed to survival. They'll do anything to survive. That's what's monstrous: the things that people do to survive. There's a dreadful conspiracy for mediocrity in the world; the unwritten agreement is that mere survival is enough. But it's not enough, Jim. It's insufficient. I'm committed to excellence. I'm committed to human godliness.
"Jim-look at me. Can you honestly tell me that in the world you were living in yesterday, you were surrounded by people who were committed to the next step in human evolution? Or were they simply committed to survival? Come on, Jim; don't fade out on me. Is your experience of the United States Army that they are committed to human godliness?"
"Uh . . ." This hurt. My throat tightened painfully. "Some of them are very good people!"
"That's not what I asked you. I'm not denying that they're good people. What I asked you about was their commitment. What are they committed to?"
"The eradication of the Chtorran infestation from Earth." "Right. Survival."
"Uh."
"Right?"
"Right."
"Think about it, Jim. Have you been treated like a god in training? No. I'll bet my right arm that you haven't even been treated like a human being. You've been treated like a machine, haven't you? Admit it. You've been abused, betrayed, lied to. You've probably been put in life-threatening situations a few times, without anyone taking the time to explain why it was necessary. You haven't been allowed to be responsible for yourself. You haven't been allowed to do your best or live up to your potential, have you?"
"How do you know that?"
"Because that's the way they treat everybody." He laughed. "But you took it personally, didn't you?"
I laughed right back. "Doesn't everybody?" Two could play at this game of enlightenment.
Jason clapped me on the shoulder. "Look; you're our guest, Jim, like it or not. Let's make it easy for all of us. Here's the deal. You stay with us for a while; see what we're up to here. I promise you, no one will hurt you or force you to do anything you don't want to. We'll treat you as lovingly as we know how."
"But I can't leave."
Jason looked sad. "Under other circumstances I'd let you go in a minute, if I could. If I thought you really wanted to. And if I thought I could trust you not to betray us. But we can't move for a while, and we both know that you'd be back here with choppers and flame-throwers so fast, it'd just prove everything I've been saying about the army mind being committed totally to survival. But I have an equal responsibility to the survival of this Tribe. So, we really can't let you go right now; not until we're ready to move to our next location. When we do, you can choose if you want to stay with us, or go back to that old mind-set."
"How long?" I asked.
Jason considered it. "Two, maybe three months. That should give you more than enough time to discover for yourself what we're really up to here."
I thought about it. I frowned.
"Annoying, isn't it?" Jason asked. "You're trying to see me as a villain, and I keep refusing to cooperate, right?"
"Do you read minds too?" I snapped, but it was hard to stay angry at Jason.
"After a fashion. Besides, yours isn't that hard to read." He grinned; he made it sound like a joke between friends.
"I want to know about the worms," I said, finally.
"I know," he said. "I've seen how you watch them." He looked off into the distance for a moment, then looked back to me again. "Jim, I invite you to test me. I invite you to test yourself. I invite you to use this place to find out what you're up to. This is about our humanity, Jim. Yours, mine-all of ours."
"Then why the Chtorrans?"
"The Chtorrans are part of it."
"I don't see that."
"I know you don't. That's all right. Here's all you need to know right now. There's an incredible amount of love available to you. All you have to do is let it in. If you let in the love, you can let in all the other answers too." He studied my face with interest and compassion and dedication. He was totally with me.
His hands were still on my shoulders. I allowed myself to reach up-and put my hands on his and look back in his eyes. We looked at each other for so long that time stopped. We just stood there, being with each other. I felt myself disappearing. I felt myself dissolving into him. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes. I wanted to trust this man. I had this sudden sense that he really did love me. I wanted to let go of myself and let the rush come.