Its okay, he said. He accepted the bags and she accepted the money and he thought, Donna, once more I could send you up, but I probably never will no matter what you do even if you do it to me, because there is something wonderful and full of life about you and sweet and I would never destroy it. I dont understand it, but there it is.
Could I have ten? she asked.
Ten? Ten tabs back? Sure. He opened one of the bagsit was hard to untie, but he had the skilland counted her out precisely ten. And then ten for himself. And retied the bag. And then carried all the bags to his coat in the closet.
You know what they do in cassette-tape stores now? Donna said energetically when he returned. The ten tabs were nowhere in sight; she had already stashed them. Regarding tapes?
They arrest you, he said, if you steal them.
They always did that. Now what they doyou know when you carry an LP or a tape to the counter and the clerk removes the little price tag thats gummed on? Well, guess what. Guess what I found out almost the hard way. She threw herself down in a chair, grinning in anticipation, and brought forth a foil-wrapped tiny cube, which he identified as a fragment of hash even before she unwrapped it. That isnt only a gummed-on price sticker. Theres also a tiny fragment of some kind of alloy in it, and if that sticker isnt removed by the clerk at the counter, and you try to get out through the door with it, then an alarm goes off.
How did you find out almost the hard way?
Some teenybopper tried to walk out with one under her coat ahead of me and the alarm went off and they grabbed her and the pigs came.
How many did you have under your coat?
Three.
Did you also have dope in your car? he said. Because once they got you for the tape rip-off, theyd impound your car, because youd be downtown looking out, and the car would be routinely towed away and then theyd find the dope and send you up for that, too. Ill bet that wasnt locally, either; Ill bet you did that where He had started to say, Where you dont know anybody in law enforcement who would intervene. But he could not say that, because he meant himself; were Donna even busted, at least where he had any pull, he would work his ass off to help her. But he could do nothing, say, up in L.A. County. And if it ever happened, which eventually it would, there it would happen: too fan off for him to hear or help. He had a scenario start rolling in his head then, a horror fantasy: Donna, much like Luckman, dying with no one hearing or caring or doing anything; they might hear, but they, like Barris, would remain impassive and inert until for her it was all over. She would not literally die, as Luckman hadhad? He meant might. But she, being an addict to Substance D, would not only be in jail but she would have to withdraw, cold turkey. And since she was dealing, not just usingand there was a rap for theft as wellshe would be in for a while, and a lot of other things, dreadful things, would happen to her. So when she came back out she would be a different Donna. The soft, careful expression that he dug so much, the warmththat would be altered into God knew what, anyhow something empty and too much used. Donna translated into a thing; and so it went, for all of them someday, but for Donna, he hoped, far and away beyond his own lifetime. And not where he couldnt help.
Spunky, he said to her now, unhappily, without Spooky.
Whats that? After a moment she understood. Oh, that TA therapy. But when I do hash She had gotten out her very own little round ceramic hash pipe, like a sand dollar, which she had made herself, and was lighting it. Then Im Sleepy. Gazing up at him, bright-eyed and happy, she laughed and extended to him the precious hash pipe. Ill supercharge you, she declared. Sit down.
As he seated himself, she rose to her feet, stood puffing the hash pipe into lively activity, then waddled at him, bent, and as he opened his mouthlike a baby bird, he thought, as he always thought when she did thisshe exhaled great gray forceful jets of hash smoke into him, filling him with her own hot and bold and incorrigible energy, which was at the same time a pacifying agent that relaxed and mellowed them both out together: she who supercharged and Bob Arctor who received.
I love you, Donna, he said. This supercharging, this was the substitute for sexual relations with her that he got, and maybe it was better; it was worth so much; it was so intimate, and very strange viewed that way, because first she could put something inside him, and then, if she wanted, he put something into her. An even exchange, back and forth, until the hash ran out.
Yeah, I can dig it, your being in love with me, she said, chuckled, sat down beside him, grinning, to take a hit from the hash pipe now, for herself.
9
Hey, Donna, man, he said. Do you like cats?
She blinked, red-eyed. Dripping little things. Moving along about a foot above the ground.
Above, no, on the ground.
Drippy. Behind furniture.
Little spring flowers, then, he said.
Yes, she said. I can dig itlittle spring flowers, with yellow in them. That first come up.
Before, he said. Before anyone.
Yes. She nodded, eyes shut, off in her trip. Before anyone stomps them, and theyregone.
You know me, he said. You can read me.
She lay back, setting down the hash pipe. It had gone out. No more, she said, and her smile slowly dwindled away.
Whats wrong? he said.
Nothing. She shook her head and that was all.
Can I put my arms around you? he said. I want to hold you. Okay? Hug you, like. Okay?
Her dark, enlarged, unfocused weary eyes opened. No, she said. No, youre too ugly.
What? he said.
No! she said, sharply now. I snort a lot of coke; I have to be super careful because I snort a lot of coke.
Ugly! he echoed, furious at her. Fuck you, Donna.
Just leave my body alone, she said, staring at him.
Sure, he said. Sure. He got to his feet and backed away. You better believe it. He felt like going out to his car, getting his pistol from the glove compartment, and shooting her face off, bursting her skull and eyes to bits. And then that passed, that hash hate and fury. Fuck it, he said dismally.
I dont like people to grope my body, Donna said. I have to watch out for that because I do so much coke. Someday I have it planned Im going over the Canadian border with four pounds of coke in it, in my snatch. Ill say Im a Catholic and a virgin. Where are you going? Alarm had her now; she half rose.
Im taking off, he said.
Your car is at your place. I drove you. The girl struggled up, tousled and confused and half asleep, wandered toward the closet to get her leather jacket. Ill drive you back. But you can see why I have to protect my snatch. Four pounds of coke is worth
No fucking way, he said. Youre too stoned to drive ten feet, and you never fucking let anybody else drive that little roller skate of yours.
Facing him, she yelled wildly, Thats because nobody else can fucking drive my car! Nobody else even gets it right, no man especially! Driving on anything else! You had your hands down into my
And then he was somewhere outside in the darkness, roaming, without his coat, in a strange part of town. Nobody with him. Fucking alone, he thought, and then he heard Donna hurrying along after him, trying to catch up with him, panting for breath, because she did so much pot and hash these days that her lungs were half silted up with resins. He halted, stood without turning, waiting, feeling really down.
Approaching him, Donna slowed, panted, I am dreadfully sorry Ive hurt your feelings. By what I said. I was out of it.
Yeah, he said. Too ugly!
Sometimes when Ive worked all day and Im super super tired, the first hit I take just spaces me. You wanna come back? Or what? You wanta go to the drive-in? What about the Southern Comfort? I cant buy it they wont sell it to me, she said, and paused. Im underage, right?