A fraction of a second.
I understand, he thought, what that passage in the Bible means, Through a glass darkly. But my percept system is as fucked up as ever. Like they say. I understand but am helpless to help myself.
Maybe, he thought, since I see both ways at once, correctly and reversed, Im the first person in human history to have it flipped and not-flipped simultaneously, and so get a glimpse of what itll be when its right. Although Ive got the other as well, the regular. And which is which?
Which is reversed and which is not?
When do I see a photograph, when a reflection?
And how much allotment for sick pay or retirement or disability do I get while I dry out? he asked himself, feeling horror already, deep dread and coldness everywhere. Wie kalt ist es in diesem unterirdischen Gewlbe! Das ist natrlich, es ist ja tief. And I have to withdraw from the shit. Ive seen people go through that. Jesus Christ, he thought, and shut his eyes.
That may sound like metaphysics, one of them was saying, but the math people say we may be on the verge of a new cosmology so much
The other said excitedly, The infinity of time, which is expressed as eternity, as a loop! Like a loop of cassette tape!
He had an hour to kill before he was supposed to be back in Hanks office, to listen to and inspect Jim Barriss evidence.
The buildings cafeteria attracted him, so he walked that way, among those in uniform and those in scramble suits and those in slacks and ties.
Meanwhile, the psychologists findings presumably were being taken up to Hank. They would be there when he arrived.
This will give me time to think, he reflected as he wandered into the cafeteria and lined up. Time. Suppose, he thought, time is round, like the Earth. You sail west to reach India. They laugh at you, but finally theres India in front, not behind. In timemaybe the Crucifixion lies ahead of us as we all sail along, thinking its back east.
Ahead of him a secretary. Tight blue sweater, no bra, almost no skirt. It felt nice, checking her out; he gazed on and on, and finally she noticed him and edged off with her tray.
The First and Second Coming of Christ the same event, he thought; time a cassette loop. No wonder they were sure itd happen, Hed be back.
He watched the secretarys behind, but then he realized that she could not possibly be noticing him back as he noticed her because in his suit he had no face and no ass. But she senses my scheming on her, he decided. Any chick with legs like that would sense it a lot, from every man.
You know, he thought, in this scramble suit I could hit her over the head and bang her forever and whod know who did it? How could she identify me?
The crimes one could commit in these suits, he pondered. Also lesser trips, short of actual crimes, which you never did; always wanted to but never did.
Miss, he said to the girl in the tight blue sweater, you certainly have nice legs. But I suppose you recognize that or you wouldnt be wearing a microskirt like that.
The girl gasped. Eh, she said. Oh, now I know who you are.
You do? he said, surprised.
Pete Wickam, the girl said.
What? he said.
Arent you Pete Wickam? You always are sitting across from mearent you, Pete?
Am I the guy, he said, whos always sitting there and studying your legs and scheming a lot about you know what?
She nodded.
Do I have a chance? he said.
Well, it depends.
Can I take you out to dinner some night?
I guess so.
Can I have your phone number? So I can call you?
The girl murmured, You give me yours.
Ill give it to you, he said, if youll sit with me right now, here, and have whatever youre having with me while Im having my sandwich and coffee.
No, Ive got a girl friend over thereshes waiting.
I could sit with you anyhow, both of you.
Were going to discuss something private.
Okay, he said.
Well, then Ill see you, Pete. She moved off down the line with her tray and flatware and napkin.
He obtained his coffee and sandwich and found an empty table and sat by himself, dropping little bits of sandwich into the coffee and staring down at it.
Theyre fucking going to pull me off Arctor, he decided. Ill be in Synanon or New-Path or some place like that withdrawing and theyll station someone else to watch him and evaluate him. Some asshole who doesnt know jack shit about Arctortheyll have to start all over from the beginning.
At least they can let me evaluate Barriss evidence, he thought. Not put me on temsuspens until after we go over that stuff, whatever it is.
If I did bang her and she got pregnant, he ruminated, the babiesno faces. Just blurs. He shivered.
I know Ive got to be taken off. But why necessarily right away? If I could do a few more things process Barriss info, participate in the decision. Or even just sit there and see what hes got. Find out for my own satisfaction finally what Arctor is up to. Is he anything? Is he not? They owe it to me to allow me to stay on long enough to find that out.
If I could just listen and watch, not say anything.
He sat there on and on, and later he noticed the girl in the tight blue sweater and her girl friend, who had short black hair, get up from their table and start to leave. The girl friend, who wasnt too foxy, hesitated and then approached Fred where he sat hunched over his coffee and sandwich fragments.
Pete? the short-haired girl said.
He glanced up.
Um, Pete, she said nervously. I just have a sec. Um, Ellen wanted to tell you this, but she chickened out. Pete, she would have gone out with you a long time ago, like maybe a month ago, like back in March even. If
If what? he said.
Well, she wanted me to tell you that for some time shes wanted to clue you into the fact that youd do a whole lot better if you used like, say, Scope.
I wish I had known, he said, without enthusiasm.
Okay, Pete, the girl said, relieved now and departing. Catch you later. She hurried off, grinning.
Poor fucking Pete, he thought to himself. Was that for neal? Or just a mind-blowing put-down of Pete by a pair of malice-head types who cooked it up seeing himmesitting here alone. Just a nasty little dig toAw, the hell with it, he thought.
Or it could be true, he decided as he wiped his mouth, crumpled up his napkin, and got heavily to his feet. I wonder if St. Paul had bad breath. He wandered from the cafeteria, his hands again shoved down in his pockets. Scramble suit pockets first and then inside that neal suit pockets. Maybe thats why Paul was always in jail the latter part of his life. They threw him in for that.
Mindfucking trips like this always get laid on you at a time like this, he thought as he left the cafeteria. She dumped that on me on top of all the other bummers todaythe big one out of the composite wisdom of the ages of psychologicaltesting pontification. That and then this. Shit, he thought. He felt even worse now than he had before; he could hardly walk, hardly think; his mind buzzed with confusion. Confusion and despair. Anyhow, he thought, Scope isnt any good; Lavoris is better. Except when you spit it out it looks like youre spitting blood. Maybe Micrin, he thought. That might be best.
If there was a drugstore in this building, he thought, I could get a bottle and use it before I go upstairs to face Hank. That waymaybe Id feel more confident. Maybe Id have a better chance.
I could use, he reflected, anything thatd help, anything at all. Any hint, like from that girl, any suggestion. He felt dismal and afraid. Shit, he thought, what am I going to do?