—The Red Book,
(Release 22.19A)
Chapter 58
Promises
"A conclusion is the place where you stopped thinking. An answer is the place where you stopped asking the question."
-SOLOMON SHORT
We didn't get to bed until late.
The conference lasted the rest of the day. Captain Harbaugh disappeared after a while, looking a little concerned about something, probably some procedural matter, probably with the Brazilian government. She came back later in the afternoon, but when it became apparent that the scientific team was going to analyze and inspect and rehash every minute detail of the operation, she slipped quietly out again; but she kept us liberally supplied with sandwiches, soft drinks, and beer, all night long, until the gathering finally petered out at two-thirty in the ayem. And not because everything had been said or discussed or resolved, but only because the participants were too exhausted to continue.
We were exhilarated by the wealth of new information. We were emotionally drained by the cost of it. My head was buzzing with sounds and images and echoes of phrases and conversations that kept ricocheting around, refusing to lie down and be quiet.
I sat down on the edge of the bed, too numb to move.
"You okay?" Lizard asked.
"My brain hurts."
"Then it'll have to come out." She sat down next to me and put her arm around my shoulders. We sat quietly for a while, leaning one against the other, not talking, not doing anything.
"I'm tired-" I finally confessed. "I'm so tired, I don't even have the strength to die."
"I know what you mean."
"It isn't just the mission, sweetheart. It's everything." She stroked my hair, and I continued, "It's all this constant bickering. If we could just decide and do it, it wouldn't be so hard. Parts of it are even-" I remembered Willig abruptly. "-Parts of it are even fun. But it's all this stuff we don't know that keeps driving me crazy. When are we going to get some real answers?"
"I don't know."
"I do," I said. "I know exactly when we're going to get the answers we need-when someone goes down into the center of a mandala to live and stay and report back. And I'm terribly afraid that it's going to be me, because nobody else can-" I looked at her intensely. "Please don't let that happen. Lizard, no matter what. Promise me that you'll never let them send me into a mandala nest. Never."
She didn't even have to think about it. "I promise you, I will never let that happen. You can count on it."
Her words were soothing medicine. I let myself relax against her. "Let's get in bed," she said.
"Okay."
But neither of us moved.
"I keep thinking," I said softly. "Uncle Ira won again."
"Yep," she agreed.
"The Brazilian scientists are discredited. The Brazilian government is discredited. And the Brazilian experiment-that one is definitely over. Uncle Ira couldn't have planned it better if he'd planned it."
"Oh, he planned it, all right," Lizard said. "Don't doubt that for a minute. He said to me before we launched, 'You gotta take McCarthy, if for no other reason than he'll sabotage the whole Brazilian experiment. I don't know how he'll do it, but you can depend on him to do it if it gets in his way."'
"He didn't say that."
"Yes, he did."
"I don't know if you're joking or not."
"Let's just say that Uncle Ira has a lot of faith in your ability to wreak havoc in the right direction."
I shook my head. "I'm too exhausted to be thrilled."
"Come on, let's go to bed."
"Okay."
"Uh-uh. This time you're going to have to move." She got up and pulled me to my feet. She began pulling off my clothes. I began unbuttoning hers. "Do you want the nightgown tonight?" she asked, half-impishly. "Or should I just wrap myself in a flag again?"
"I think I'd much prefer just getting in bed next to you and holding you close until I fall asleep-if you don't mind?"
"That sounds like heaven. I don't mind at all."
We turned out the lights and climbed into bed and tried to fit ourselves together as comfortably as we could. "One of us has too many elbows," she muttered.
"Sorry. You've got more soft places than I do."
"Here, put your head on this soft place. See if that works."
"Mmm. This is a good place. It gives me a good view of the other good place." I eased my head just a little bit forward and began kissing the other good place. For a while, I sucked happily, even pretending a little bit that I was safe in my mommy's arms again and everything was going to be all right in the morning. Lizard stroked my head and sighed.
After a while, though, I stopped. "What's the matter?" she asked.
I shook my head. "All those children in the nest-in that corral. I can't get them out of my head. What the worms did to them. What they were turning into. Libbits and bunnydogs." I could feel the tears rolling out of my eyes. "Lizard, I want to save all the babies in the world. I don't want any more babies to die."
She stroked my hair. "I know, sweetheart. I know."
"I had a little girl once-actually, I still do. She survived, you know. Holly. But she's-I don't know." My words came out slowly. "I tried calling. They told me it would be better if I stayed away. She screams at the sound of my name. I betrayed her. She was afraid of the dark and I locked her in a closet. I did it to save her life, but-" I held on to Lizard tightly. "She was the sweetest little girl and she was getting better. I was doing good. But now she's-I don't know. They won't tell me. They nullified my adoption. I have no legal rights anymore.''
"Uncle Ira could-"
"No." I lay there in silence, listening to the roar of my own thoughts. Finally, I tried to explain. "It's all the hurting. I don't want to hurt anybody, but it seems that no matter what I do, it's always the innocents who die. And it always looks like it's my fault. I mean, it always looks like it to me. I can't stand this anymore. I want to stop hurting so much."
"We all do."
"No. I want to stop hurting everybody else. I want to do good things. I want people to like me. And I want to stop feeling ineffectual."
"I like you," she said. "And you know something else?"
"What?"
"You're not ineffectual at all. You just don't know how powerful you are."
"Powerful?"
"Well, yes-" I could hear the smile in her voice. "I mean, think about it-even when you screw up, half a million worms die and a mandala disappears. And all it cost was a little electricity. You didn't even have to use nuclear weapons. Now, is that power or is that power?"
I had to laugh. Just a little one. After a bit, I said, "Listen, sweetheart, I want something from you."
She waited patiently.
"I talked to Siegel and Lopez. They're willing too."
"Go on," she said. She stopped stroking my hair.
"Japura. I know we've changed our plans, but-listen, once we drop the probes, if we see children in a corral, I don't care, I want to mount a rescue mission."
She didn't answer for a long time. At last, she sighed and said, "I can't make any promises."
"I can't leave any more children in a worm camp."
"I can't let you risk your life anymore. I need you too much. The war effort needs you."
"I promise I won't take any stupid chances-"