Spartacus seemed crushed, Elena told him that they needed to talk and she dumped him completely cold-bloodedly, we’re not going to see each other anymore, she had said, but why, there is no why, because that’s how I want it, and Sirma once again felt duped, not to mention guilty and shamefaced, maybe Spartacus really had been in love after all, maybe some part of her had even suspected this, and Elena had played her yet again, by refusing to say why she was leaving, if she had told him Sirma made me, then they would’ve had a fight and in the fight everything would have come out and been cleared up, now it was pointless for Sirma herself to tell him how she had gone to her, how she had listened to her and listened to her, and how she had felt her kiss on her lips, a conspiratorial sign, a seal of silence. Maya didn’t want to talk about her erstwhile best-friend-from-grade-school, and in the end Sirma had no choice but to keep quiet. But she thought up the mysteries to make sure that something like that could never happen again, and perhaps, she said to herself now, also in some desperate attempt to finally experience some satisfaction from that overrated physical exercise, as one of their acquaintances put it, who else to have sex with, if not your friends, and if she hadn’t thought up this form, it surely would’ve happened anyway, but unexpectedly and abruptly, it would have pounced on them unprepared, and perhaps everything would have fallen apart. As for Elena, she disappeared, she must’ve gone to America, but what really would have happened if they had nevertheless let her into their magic circle, in one of those other times, which intersected with theirs and could you always tell when one time jumped into another, Sirma heard footsteps, human footsteps, scraping along the gravel-strewn path, and heard Spartacus’s voice, wasn’t it somewhere here, so why don’t I see them, because you’re blind, she yelled at him from the tree, I’m right here, and explained to them how Elena’s father had slinked off.
And the next strange thing: he came back with a guitar. He looked more surprised than they were. How could this have happened to me twice, he said, just look how the story has repeated itself, and it’s a nice guitar, so that means you’ll play, Maya clapped and Sirma entered the picture she knew Maya was imagining, a beach at night and a guitar in the hands of the likeable man, she even felt like laughing, but the hesitation Krustev wore like a coat again hung on his shoulders, I guess I could play a bit, he said, but I haven’t touched a guitar in a long time, in a really long time. Why not, asked Spartacus, and Krustev replied I have no fucking idea.
She dreamed of sand that stuck to her skin, as if she had broken out in a tiny, glittering rash, but that was because she was playing in the sand with her brother, they were little again, and both naked, and she tried not to look at the thing jutting out so ridiculously between his legs, her mother had told her that it wasn’t polite to talk about things that were between people’s legs and she decided that in that case it surely wasn’t polite to think about them either, so she tried to think about the castle they were building together, but the sea washed over it at regular intervals and demolished it, their castle was a failure because the professors didn’t want to teach them anything, and while she was thinking this, she was left alone in the castle, naked and ridiculous, well yes, after all her brother had left, hadn’t he, she had to figure out this castle on her own, but she could feel how the grains of sand sticking to her body were multiplying and becoming like armor, at one point she looked down and saw that it wasn’t sand at all, but tiny flowers, while Maya and Spartacus were standing a little ways off, looking at her and pointing, and yelling something, but she couldn’t hear them, what, she yelled in turn, come on, what’s wrong, talk louder, they pointed at her, at the castle her legs were straddling, she looked down and saw a baby squirming between her legs, a real baby, but how had she given birth without being pregnant, and then she realized that she hadn’t given birth, but precisely the opposite, it was backing up into her, without her even feeling it, and right before the monstrous creature hid inside her and disappeared, she managed to see its face, it may have been a baby, but it had Elena’s face.
In the morning she quickly forgot her repugnant dream, but it popped into her mind again as she was waiting for Spartacus to come out of the bathroom so she could go in, too, and again, like on the ship, like so long ago over her bowl of cereal, her stomach suddenly heaved, this time bringing up a stream of black coffee along with the stomach acid, which dribbled down her chin, right at that moment Spartacus opened the door, saw her and jumped, what’s the matter with you, are you okay, I’m fine, she said, wiping her chin, did you get yourself nice and clean for tonight, and pinched him on the ass, but after she was left alone in the bathroom and had locked the door, she realized that she had no desire whatsoever for that which awaited them that evening.
But still they went, how could they not go, Spartacus and Maya obediently followed their reluctant leader, yesterday, as they had splashed around in the choppy sea, which was now smooth as a mirror, as far as could be seen in the darkness, it was cloudy and there were no stars, yesterday she had noticed that hill at the edge of the city looming steeply over the water, surely no one goes there at night, she had pointed it out to them then and they had agreed, so now they were climbing the hill off the road that led to the city, looking for a good spot, well, well, said Spartacus behind her back, here we’ll have ourselves a nice view of the sea, real box seats, and he laughed, but quickly fell silent, perhaps because Maya had shot him a stern look, they weren’t supposed to laugh during the mysteries, laughter pulled them out of the magic of the ritual and revealed its full absurdity, Sirma thought to herself and sat down on the ground. The view really was nice and the wind wasn’t blowing like last night. I wonder what Krustev is doing, she asked herself, this is all so stupid, it’s surely completely obvious to him what they were up to and now he must be laughing at them for their strict adherence to a timetable to restrain the hormones, in his place Elena would have been going crazy with curiosity, to say nothing of insisting that she be allowed to join in. Breathe, said Maya, having taken up the lotus pose, breathe, doesn’t it smell wonderful. It smelled of all sorts of grasses and herbs, a whole symphony of scents, in which it was impossible to distinguish any one aroma. Still sitting in her snobby lotus pose, Maya began fondling her own breasts lightly and Sirma suddenly burst out laughing, the loud giggle burst from her mouth like stomach acid, scattered into the night and startled the scents. Spartacus and Maya looked at her in surprise, she kept laughing, it was like an allergy attack, she couldn’t stop herself, her eyes swam with tears, her stomach shook with uncontrollable spasms and the laughter jumped from her throat like gravel, tiny grains of laughter stuck to it and in the end she choked, the laughter passed into coughing, she finally got a hold of herself, but she saw Spartacus and Maya’s astonished faces and burst out laughing again, this time only a short, single swath. Spartacus also gave a crooked, bewildered smile, what’s the matter, Maya asked, well, nothing’s the matter, said Sirma, isn’t it funny, she got up and said, come on, enough of this ridiculousness, let’s go, but what about the mysteries, Spartacus asked, confused, what about the mysteries, Sirma mimicked him, if you’re all hung up on a fuck, well fine then, if you’ve already gotten it up, we’ll help you out. That’s ridiculous, Spartacus said, offended, isn’t that exactly what I’m telling you, it’s ridiculous, Sirma replied and remained standing as they kept sitting on the grass foolishly, silent for some time, then Maya said so it’s all over? I don’t know what it all is, Sirma said, but I think something’s over, only I don’t quite know what yet. But still, said Maya, it really does smell good. Spartacus got up; and what will we do now? What else, said Sirma, we’ll go find the Big Boss. On the way down, she heard Spartacus start snickering, followed by Maya, she started laughing, too, and the three of them came down the hill like a scree of laughter.