First and foremost, be aware of those around you. Question anything that appears to show a lack of conscience. When you worry about someone else’s actions, don’t hide that worry in a corner of your mind that never sees the light of reason. Never turn away. Examine each troublesome incident until it can be safely filed away in a folder labeled “dumb,” or “only a mistake,” or “inadvertent.” If it doesn’t fit in any of the safer categories, keep the incident in an open file that you visit every day. Keep it in the glaring light of active inspection until there is resolution. Again, never turn away from doubt. Never shrug your shoulders or turn your face away. Persist.
It is to the sociopath’s advantage to appear normal, to blend in with society. To this end, they become masters of disguise. They lead a double life. The public sees what the sociopath wants them to see. The life he loves is hidden from their view. The sociopath’s public persona has fewer boundaries than most of us. That’s a major clue. Their private self knows no boundaries at all. Look closely for a lack of conscience. If you say to yourself, “I could never have done that to someone else,” beware. Proceed with caution. If you find an overt disregard of morals, no guilt, no remorse, don’t proceed at all. But do not look away. Don’t rationalize. The results could be devastating. The end-game in the sociopath’s wicked game is often emotionally crippling. Sometimes people die. Don't turn and look the other way. Don’t pretend it isn’t there. You will spend the rest of your life punishing yourself if you do not take a stand.
Question any oddity. Look for reason and sense within the answers. If the response is illogical, chances are you’re listening to a lie. And know that just beneath the surface of that lie is the sociopath’s real agenda. You are coming closer to his ulterior motive. The closer you come to understanding truth, the safer you will be.
Sociopaths are selfish by nature. They seldom engage in any activity that doesn’t offer personal gain or recognition. Very often, in order to hide his selfish nature, he will engage in what seems selfless behavior. There’s often a red flag there, something that seems not quite right, a little out of the ordinary. As example, the predator who sexually abuses children will often hide behind a façade of loving children. Look closely at illogical behavior where your child or any child is involved: the coach who does too much, the counselor who wants to see your child in his home, the playground supervisor who cannot keep his hands away from the children in his charge. The great majority of these, the coaches and counselors and playground supervisors, are good people and operate with the highest motives. But frighteningly, the sexual predator has learned to mimic their good behavior. But the signs are most often there. When you see something that doesn’t seem quite right, it probably is not right. At minimum, each unusual action must be questioned. What appears to be a selfless gesture may turn out to be the snarling, clawed attack of the proverbial wolf in sheep’s clothing. Once more, our best defense is awareness and willingness to question.
Chapter Four — HUNTER ON THE HUNT
The sociopath preys on others in a variety of ways and for a variety of reasons. His game is as variable as the weather. The only question is what he wants, what interests him, what deviant thrill he can derive from using you as the pawn in his never-ending game of self satisfaction. Often he doesn’t really want what he takes from you. It is the very act of taking that thrills him. He will explore and exploit any crack in your armor to amuse himself. The conquest is all. The manipulation and control of whoever crosses his path is his sole reason for being. It is the reason he arises in the morning and what fuels his dreams at night. He is relentless in his pursuit. He never tires. He cannot accept “no” as a response to his inappropriate requests or demands. Interestingly, he particularly targets the soft hearted. They are easy prey, and he derives a macabre sense of satisfaction in damaging the trusting heart.
Perversely, the sociopath sees his own lack of conscience as strength. He does not understand morals, guilt, or remorse. He has no emotional attachment to others. He considers loyalty and gratitude as weakness.
The sociopath needs money to live. He needs money to further his games. He will take the easy money first, a few dollars here and there, lent and never repaid, then jump to taking whatever isn’t guarded. No family member, spouse, close friend or business associate is immune from the financial scheming of the sociopath. It is an easy jump for him to help himself to another’s checkbook and credit card, all without permission and all without remorse. From a few dollars loan to a request to a spouse to liquidate her funds is a simple path for the accomplished sociopath. He takes the same delight in emptying his child’s piggy bank as he does in bankrupting a spouse. Only when the money trail is memory, when there are no future funds on the horizon, will the sociopath move on, leaving his victim broke, in debt, and often homeless. I know. I have walked that road.
The sociopath has an all-pervasive sense of entitlement, his path of self-gain sometimes leaving a criminal history. His record, if it is brought to light, may include theft, check fraud, identity theft, lawsuit abuse, insurance abuse, fraudulent loans, even robbery.
But money’s not the main thing. While the money trail may be the easiest to discover and examine, it is important only in that it allows a certain lifestyle, allows the sociopath the freedom to continue his manipulation of others. Other people’s money allows him the opportunity to spend his time mastering manipulation, to learn more sophisticated ways to damage others, to develop his cunning, to practice his perversions. The predator remembers what has and has not worked in the past. He applies this knowledge to the future. He begins to develop and refine techniques for manipulating his pawns. With passing time, these techniques become more sophisticated. With each success, his ways become more callused.
There is a second side to the predator’s manipulation. Just as he delights in manipulating others, he also does his best to manipulate his environment, to make it safe, to let him hide from the light of knowledge. He will learn how the criminal system works. He will study that system to see how it can benefit him. He will tangle pursuit in red tape. He will lay a many layered smokescreen so he can go unnoticed. This is the framework the sociopath will use to continue his craft.
Chapter Five — LIES, LIES, AND MORE LIES
The lies generated by a sociopath are pathological by nature. A pathological liar can often be distinguished from an occasional liar by the shear volume of lies. This particular behavior appears to be driven by both obsession and compulsion. He has a compulsion to fool you. He is obsessed with seeing if he can. Because of this, even the simplest conversation will be studded with lies, half-truths, and misdirection. All of life becomes a game to see if he can fool you. Fortunately, the brazen lying often becomes bizarre. When it does that, it’s easier to catch him in those lies. When he is caught in enough lies, the diagnosis becomes clear. When the diagnosis becomes clear, action can be taken. It must be taken, else he takes your self-respect and leaves you naked.
Within the sociopath’s web of lies most often is a little truth, put there on purpose to hide the bigger lie. It may be something as inconsequential as the right day of the week or a time that can be checked. It’s only there to add confusion, to make us jump to the idea that if any truth is there, he can’t be telling lies. It is only a smoke screen, there to confuse us so the predator can continue his stalking uninterrupted and unobserved.