Chapter Nine — FALLEN
I have been a Registered Professional Nurse for thirty-three years, my entire adult life. I specialized in the area of psychiatric nursing for fifteen years and worked side by side with psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists and counselors in observing and analyzing human behavior. With the misfortune of knowing a sociopath on a very personal level for eighteen years, these tools were put to a very personal and ultimate test. I learned the only way anyone can protect himself from being a victim of a sociopath is by recognizing that deviant behavior for what it is. When I reached this understanding, I felt a force for good rise up within me. That was the driving force behind this book.
I want to share this understanding with you. I want these pages to contain the tools and armor that will let you escape the trap set by an evil predator. I want you to be able to avoid being the victim of a sociopath beside you.
I tried to hide behind generalities in the first half of this book. I think the warnings about deviant behavior are there. I think the descriptions of a sociopath's behavior are accurate. But hiding behind generalities mimicked the way I had turned from the truth when I was married to Marvin. In retrospect, I was not a wife, but a shield. Marriage protected Marvin from close scrutiny. It helped to keep him safe.
Early in the dating relationship, I wondered at Marvin’s lack of sexual energy. I first thought it reassuring. When ardor faded very early in the marriage, I wondered at its lack, but looked away. I knew there was a great range of normal sexuality, and thought it unfortunate that my partner was the bottom of the scale. I looked for other virtues.
Marvin had charismatic charm. When I first met him he was 26, and seemingly wise beyond his years. He could state a lie with conviction or mix lies with truth until the mixture was accepted as fact. I wasn’t the only one taken in by his lies. Many people were drawn into his web of deceit by his ability to articulate seeming absolute truth. We were drawn in by his charisma. He seemed faultless, perfect, and omniscient. I was blinded by the light and relished being there.
Marvin was never caught off guard. He was never at a loss for the nearly perfect words that would mold people and their perceptions. His mind was razor sharp, and he wielded his mind like a sword, cutting through objections. He molded and directed people and situations to whatever end would fulfill his needs. Nothing was for others. Nothing was for gain except his own. Nothing was sacred except his own ego. But we were the chosen ones, gathered around him in a protected cluster, secure and safe. The chosen ones! How wonderful it seemed at the time. How chilling it is to see it now. My God, the chosen ones! Chosen, used, manipulated, twisted into whatever he wanted us to be, lured into doing whatever he wanted us to do. And all for him. Always, just for him.
I lived on the fringe of what seemed a magic circle, unaware and awestruck, for several months. When he asked me to dinner, I jumped. How perfect, I thought. How grand. I was fascinated by this unusual young man. He inspired me with his intelligence and his charming demeanor. I was ready to love him, willing to take that great chance. We dated for several months, although the time together was both sparse and sporadic. Marvin was different, displaying no sense of physical or even emotional warmth. When he didn’t call for a week or more, I would try to wean myself away from the idea of a personal connection with this enigmatic man. And then he would call again. I convinced myself that it was refreshing not to have to fight off sexual advances. I convinced myself that Marvin’s intent was a plane above the sexual aggressiveness seen in so many men his age. I convinced myself that what Marvin presented was a purity that put him above the rest. Marvin was different, no question of that. But he was able to manipulate me and mold my feelings so that I accepted “different” as good. Not just good. Better. Best even. Marvin did that, all the while showing no need for emotional or physical warmth. And each time my emotions would falter, every time my feelings started to fade, Marvin would ask me out again, and every time the fascination would begin again.
Only in the blinding truth of retrospection did his plan unfold so I could see it. Marvin didn’t love me. He was incapable of that emotion. He needed me to protect his image, to bolster his façade of secure heterosexuality. That’s why he always put his best foot forward. That’s why he tried to impress me. That’s why he did what he did with me and with every one of us. The appearance of heterosexuality allowed him to hide in the safest hiding place of all, in plain sight. But I didn’t know that when I married him. I had fallen in love. That was all that mattered.
Chapter Ten — BEN
Three months into our dating relationship, came a pounding at the door. In bounds a young man named Ben, calling Marvin "dad". "Dad?" Until Ben's appearance, I hadn't heard mention of his existence, which in and of itself was certainly odd and spoke volumes. Marvin was 26 and Ben was 18, so I knew there wasn't a biological connection.
Ben appeared to be this massive amount of runaway energy in human form; like an out-of-control speeding train with a predicted wreck in the near future. He bounded through the doorway, and into the apartment, darting from one location to another, pacing around the furniture, looking at everything but seeing nothing. He finally landed in front of me, all wild-eyed, just long enough to say "hello," while still remaining in a state of perpetual motion by rocking on the soles of his feet. His excessive energy was palpable, and miserable to both witness and experience. His presence was toxic and affected living things in its path. I could feel my own pulse begin to race and my blood pressure rise. I had to consciously regain my composure so that I wasn't so overwhelmed by his nearness. The nurse in me equated this to be the worst case scenario of out-of-control hyperactivity that I had ever seen. One that was obvious and raging, one that certainly would benefit from pharmacological intervention. I was moved by Ben's visible suffering from this massive state of imbalance. A condition that could have been tempered with proper care. I felt pity for Ben.
Marvin's response to Ben's unannounced appearance was to rush Ben back out the door just as suddenly as he had appeared, as if he didn't want the two of us to meet.
After Ben's hasty departure, Marvin told me very little about who Ben was or about his life with him. His silence on the subject was all but deafening. When Marvin did tell me about Ben, it was in this strangely composed, casual manner. Instead of sensing warmth or nurturing, I sensed coldness and indifference, as if he were emotionally detached. At the time, I wondered if his mind was racing in an effort to choose just the right information and just the right words for the occasion. I observed him closely to see how he would proceed with his explanations.
In a detached manner he told me that when he was 21, he had adopted Ben who was 12 at the time. He casually related that he raised Ben, by himself, until just recently, when Ben turned 18 and moved out. He mentioned only two other details about Ben. That Ben had "special needs" that were documented as behavior problems, and that until the age of 14, Ben spent most of his time watching cartoons while wearing nothing but his underwear. He guarded everything else about his life with Ben. He never spoke of Ben again, as if Ben never existed.
Marvin made sure that while Ben was in his care that he never left him alone with anyone. Marvin claimed it was so that he could monitor his physical and emotional needs, but in retrospect it was to keep Ben from telling. When Ben moved out at the age of 18, Marvin kept him away from family. It appeared that Ben had been ejected and then discarded. Ben moved away to another state and had very minimal contact with his "dad."