She sat upright, crossing her legs, huddling the down blanket to her chest. Summer slept sedated and happy.
“Summer?” Her whisper was nearly inaudible, yet it echoed like thunder in her ears.
He didn’t budge.
The muscles in her throat felt coated and thick. She tried to swallow, but found no saliva. The sound of her heavy breathing overrode the fury of her pulse. She nudged his chest. “Summer?”
One eye peeled open, then the other. He blinked a few times, shooting upward in a start. “Are you okay? Is it lightning?”
Her head rattled back and forth.
His eyes screwed wide, taking in the night, before flopping back on his pillow. A groggy smile wedged its way to the corner of his mouth. His hand drifted to her waist, pulling her to him. “You wanna snuggle?”
“No,” she croaked. A hot blur stole her vision, but she felt the caress of his touch change from comfort to concern. “We need to talk.”
Apprehension weaved across his sleepy face, deepening the fine lines on his forehead. He brought the palm of her hand to his lips, nuzzling it to his stubble. “Are you afraid to go home with me? We both know it’s going to be a circus, but…”
“I’m not scared of that.” A cloud of darkness loomed overhead, shrouding her in shame.
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m…” It took three tries to clear the sentiment from her throat. “I’m afraid you’re going to be mad…or disappointed in me.”
“Red…how could I ever be disappointed in you? It’s not possible.”
Tears rolled down the tip of her nose, dripping to the sheet. He sat upright, crossing his legs and taking her hands in his. He waited a painstakingly long time for her to continue, but she couldn’t find the words.
“Why don’t you tell me what you’ve got bottled up in that beautiful mind of yours?” Summer encouraged, trepidation shone clearly in his eyes.
“That day…” A frayed exhalation filled the small soundless space. She looked away from him, but the feel of his thumbs turning tender circles over the top of her hands brought her back to him.
“It’s okay. Take your time, Red. What day?”
“That day I found you with that girl.”
“Carrie Ann, I thought we…”
“I was coming to tell you something that day.” Heat prickled her chest and neck. Her stomach twisted in knots, constricting painfully.
His profile shadowed and his face grimaced. “Go on.”
“I was coming to tell you…” She looked away, shrinking into the layers of bedding, trembling uncontrollably. “I was coming to tell you that I was pregnant.”
The comforting motion of his thumbs stopped. Wetness blinded her of sight, but she sensed his body turn rigid.
“What?” Devastation, confusion, loss, anger…encompassed the one word.
“I had come there that morning to tell you that I was pregnant.”
Slowly, almost as if in slow motion, he shirked backward, dropping her hands. She reached for him, but he skirted her touch. “I don’t understand. What do you mean…was? You’re just now telling me this?”
Though his rebuke was tiny, the impact monumental. She couldn’t get a word out.
“Please don’t tell me that you…” Reproach coated his tone. “Christ, Carrie Ann. Please don’t tell me I have a kid…”
“No!” she screeched. Each tiny muscle in her contorted as she began to sob. Her head swung wildly from side-to-side. Blinded by tears, she shoved at his hands that were now trying to grab hold of her. Her breathing came in jerky gasps, fighting for air to fill her lungs. “I lost the baby. Our baby.”
“Red, look at me.” He grappled to get hold of her, palming her tear-soaked face.
She shook her head frantically.
“Carrie Ann,” his voice, soft and tender, reached deep inside stroking the open scar. “Look at me.”
Catching a glimpse of his face, painfully distorted and drained of color, Carrie Ann lurched forward, throwing her arms around his neck. Words came in fits and bursts. “I was so angry and hurt and pissed. It crushed me to find you with her. I was hysterical. The doctor said that shouldn’t have had anything to do with it, but…I don’t know what happened. My body just…didn’t work right.”
“Shh. It’s okay.” He coiled her in his arms, holding her secure. Summer took painstaking deliberations, petting and soothing, easing her hurt. He turned his mouth to hers, soft and easy, comforting her anguish. “It’s okay. Don’t cry, Red.”
Hearing the heartache in his voice, she lifted her blurry gaze. Streaks of wetness on his lean cheeks glimmered in the moonlight. “But it’s not okay. Now you’re crying too.”
Summer nodded, hot tears flowing freely down his face. His chest jumped against hers as his body quaked. He wrapped his arms around her, dropping his damp cheek to her shoulder. They clung to one another as she climbed into his lap. Bones dissolved, melting into one, each submerged in emotions of grief and regret, and for Carrie Ann…relief.
Eventually, after what seemed like an unmeasurable amount of time and tears, Summer eased them onto the bed, cocooning her in the warmth of the covers and his strong protective arms.
Nothing left between them but the rise and fall of their breath as they laid nose to nose, arms and legs tangled in an intimate altercation of trust and love. He pushed the hair from her face, sifting his fingers languidly through her soft tangles as they stared at each other in the dark.
“Did it hurt?” he asked, his voice no more than a whisper.
Her face screwed into a painful crumple of emotions. She shook her head and then nodded. A single tear rolled from the corner of her eye, catching on the pillow. “It hurt in here the most,” she admitted in an ache of a whisper, bringing his hand over her beating heart.
“I’m sorry, Red. I would’ve been there for you.”
“I know.”
“You should’ve told me.”
“I know.”
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
Her lip snarled. “I did.”
Two deep notches gathered between his brows. Summer hesitated, “I tried to see you…later that day. And the next. Every day…for days. I sent flowers…” His words trailed off to nothing as understanding sank in. She heard him swallow, choking back his emotions. “That was your birthday?”
Carrie Ann nodded numbly.
“It happened on your birthday?”
“Yes.” Her jaw jutted to the side as a huge exhale pushed from her lungs. “I miscarried on my birthday. I really don’t like to say it. I know you don’t mean anything by it, but I think she would’ve been a girl. I don’t why, but it just feels right in my heart when I call her a she.”
“I’m sure she would’ve been amazing.”
She nodded in agreement. A hint of a curve tipped her lips.
“I’m sorry about the flowers. I feel like a total asshole.”
“The roses were waiting when I got home from the doctor.”
“I’ll never send you roses again. I promise.”
“I think I’ll be okay now.” Tears fell again, but they felt triumphant in their release. Her fingers floated over her lips and fell to her chest, patting her heart. She wept, nodding, “I think I’m gonna be okay now.”
“You’ve been carrying this weight for all these years. Why didn’t you ever tell me, Red?”
“I was hurting. That morning, everything changed in one split second. My mind raced with possibilities and dreams and anxieties. We’d never talked about having kids, not really, I mean at that point we’d talked about spending the rest of our lives together, but never really mapped anything out. After everything happened so fast with football…then we broke up…I found you with that other woman.
I went from having dreams of getting back together, and having a family, to feeling absolutely lost. I felt so broken. I couldn’t feel normal. All I could feel was grief and despair and anger. But the guilt, the guilt was…is… crushing. Shayla tried repeatedly to get me to talk to you, but the more time that passed the harder it was to say anything. You had moved on…and never looked back.” Tears broke over her lashes. She grumbled tersely, “I was so angry at you…you got to move on…and I was stuck in the black hole of despair.”