I don’t know if I told her it wasn’t, or if I only dreamed that I told her so.
“I won’t deny it, a thing like an iron is really handy. All that work you used to have to do heating the charcoal, blowing on it. One time I burned my eyebrows, I’ve had to dye them since then. The flat-irons with the heated slug inside weren’t any better. They were so heavy, and the slug would keep losing its heat. You’d have to be always putting it in the fire and taking it out. You’d use the kitchen stove. One time, a heated slug fell on my foot. Lucky I was wearing shoes. Now all you have to do is plug it in. It’s convenient. Though if people start getting sick … Lord forbid. But there’s no point worrying about illnesses ahead of time. If they come we’ll deal with them, better or worse, either that or we’ll die right away. Dying right away would be good. Even without electricity there comes a time of sickness. That’s how life is. For now I’d rather just think about what it’s going to be like with you. Your first time. Mother of God. I’m actually scared. My bed for sure never saw this coming. Though I have to change the sheets. I’ll put the embroidered ones on. Quilt and pillowcases. I embroidered them myself. I’d be waiting in the evenings for those drunken husbands of mine, what was I supposed to do? I did embroidery. Though not for them. No sir. No way would I have let them sleep in embroidered sheets. And I’ll buy us a new bottom sheet. Just make sure you wash. Your boss told me you have a shower over on the site. It’s not you, I just know how guys wash themselves. Someone has to make sure you do it right. I’ll have a good wash too. I’ll soak myself in the bathtub. I’ll fill it with foam, maybe even put in some fragrance. Will you make an outlet for me by my bed? I’d like to get a bedside lamp. We could turn it on sometimes. Instead of always only doing it in the dark. For once I’d like it to be light. I read somewhere it’s a lot nicer that way. And I like to read from time to time. After you’re gone, I’ll be able to read in bed. Or think awhile with the light on. You probably have more pleasant thoughts that way. But you, don’t think, go to sleep. I know what you’re thinking about, but there’s not much time. There wouldn’t be enough. Best not to start. When you got up you’d be in worse shape than if you’d just not slept. Often your legs will barely carry you, and your head is whirling. The daylight’s here, but it’s like the night refuses to go out of you. You cook, you do the laundry, but it’s still nighttime. As if you were doing everything in the dark. And you’d be mad at me. I don’t want you to be mad. When a man’s mad, someone has to be to blame. And the way it is, it’s always the woman. Or you’d be late for work, and that’d be my fault too. But don’t worry, I’ll teach you, you’ll see. There’s always a first time. When you don’t know what you’re doing it can be all over before you know it, and I don’t want that. I’ve had enough of that. I was raped by soldiers, I know all about that kind. There were five of them, with all these medals swinging to and fro over my head. I didn’t even feel like crying. Though why am I even telling you these things. You don’t need to know what the world was like only yesterday. Maybe you’ve come into a better world. You should want it to be better. If men want to fight, let them, but women and children shouldn’t have to pay for their wars. Though those drunkards of mine weren’t soldiers, and they weren’t any better. They’d come home drunk, and it’d be the same thing, over before you knew it, without any feeling, then they’d be asleep a moment later. And when they did it that way it was like they were paying you back for something. Whether it was a soldier or a husband. For what? That the world’s arranged in such a way that it takes two people? Surely the world is made for loving. Without loving there’d be no reason to live. Nothing but sleeping and eating, what for? Working, what for? Who’d feel like working in a world like that? I read a book once where some guy died while he was making love to a woman. His heart gave out. His heart, can you believe it. Everything collects in the heart. When too much gathers there it can’t take it. Are you still awake?”
I’d been sleeping already, she’d woken me up. Evidently I’d not been deep asleep — sleeping with one eye open, as the expression goes. Because I’d not been at all sure she’d wake me. When it came time for me to go to work she might have fallen asleep. So I was kind of asleep, but alert.
“Here, let me see how your heart is.” She put her hand on my heart. Who wouldn’t have woken up then. “It’s a bit impatient, like it’s in a hurry. Now you put your hand on mine.” She took my hand and placed it on her breast. A rock would have woken up at that. “Can you feel how much is gathered there? But do you know if a woman can die that way too? Though how could you know. The world isn’t fair to women. Take your hand away.” She removed my hand herself. “Like I said, not today. It’s too late and you need to get some sleep. It’s best to begin when the night begins, and not even think about the fact that you have to get up the next day. As if the night was going to go on and on, and day would never come. Also, bodies have to lie beside each other for a longer time before … They have to get used to each other, get comfortable with each other. Because they’re full of fear. You don’t think mine is? Let me tell you, it’s got more fear in it than yours. After those soldiers, after those drunken husbands I’m afraid every time. I thought I’d never be a woman again. I didn’t even want to be. I thought I’d just embroider, read, sing, cry a little from time to time. I want to buy a wireless, did I tell you? I put my name down for one at the store. They’re going to let me know when they get some in. I’ll be able to sit and listen. But you’re only human. I was still in the mourning period for my second. I was still in black, and here I started to feel things gathering in my heart again. I went to church, I could see the men looking at me, not just the older ones, men that are younger than me as well. There I was praying, and I could feel them undressing me with their eyes. I was all embarrassed, it was a church after all, God was watching. But still it felt good. There was this baker, I get my bread from him every day, somehow I’d never noticed him in the bakery before, but here I see he’s singing and he keeps sending me these looks that give me goose bumps. I feel my heart pounding. Forgive me, Lord, but you’re the one who gave me my body. Actually, I looked good in black. Everyone said I should always only wear mourning clothes. I even had a mass said for that drunkard of mine. Let him have it. He left me this house, among other things. He didn’t drink all of it away. Perhaps I shouldn’t read books, what do you think? I sometimes read and read, and I start thinking to myself, if only my life … Because even when somebody else’s life is sadder than yours, you sometimes would like to swap with them. Goodness, it’s beating so hard. It’s like it was about to give out too. Are you still awake? You could check to see if I’m only imagining it. It’s like it wanted to jump directly to the next night, or come to you right now. But not today, no. The night’s almost over. You need to get a little sleep. If we did it in a hurry, you might even be put off me. I often thought you must be awake with all that snoring. But I somehow never dared ask if you might want to sleep in the kitchen. I was suffering along with you, because they woke me up too. For some reason you can’t hear them now — listen. The moment you moved in here I knew you’d never been with a woman. You kissed my hand, remember? It touched my heart to think that someone so innocent still existed in the world. So the first time mustn’t be rushed. When it’s the first time, everything afterwards is like that first time. Except for death. After death there are no memories. But while life goes on, you might remember me badly. Then you’d remember all the other women badly too. Because it would be bad with all the other ones. You might start to drink, and things would go on being bad for you. They’d be bad within yourself. Your whole life things would be bad for you. You’d lose your desire, and it would be bad for you. And it would be my fault. So for the sake of your whole life it’s worth holding out for one night. You won’t regret it. I’ll make it up to you. Look, it’s getting brighter. Go to sleep.”