Mike touches his face, surprised that it’s wet.
CHAPTER 25
IN THE MORNING, MIKE STARTS THE ROUTINE.
• 7:00 a.m. Knock on the door (which stayed open all night).
Mike looks out the window and sees that all the dead leaves are gone. He must have slept deeply, right through the leaf blower.
I can’t believe I’m here, Mike thinks. I don’t belong here.
You are not really here. This is not your real life.
Strong body, strong mind, Mike thinks. Everything in its right place.
A nurse unlocks his bathroom and just stands there. He splashes cold water on his face. He doesn’t look at his reflection. When he leaves the room, the nurse locks the door.
• 7:30–8:00 a.m. Breakfast.
A bottle of Ensure. Mike knows which name belongs to which girl now. Cheryl has green eyes and Allison’s the blonde. Nina, silent, is far away.
• 8:15–8:45 a.m. Exercise class.
It’s a joke. You sit on a hard floor and reach for your toes, then you stand up and bend. Mike looks around and sees that several girls have serious muscles and probably exercised for hours at home. But other girls seem to find even this amount of activity strenuous. One girl breathes so hard, Mike is afraid she’ll pass out.
• 9:15–9:40 a.m. Personal time.
Mike sits on the enclosed porch, which overlooks the grounds. A nurse is at a desk just outside.
• 9:40–10:10 a.m. Snack.
Another bottle of Ensure.
Cheryl and Allison talk about missing their pets. Cheryl has a ten-year-old yellow Labrador who needs hip surgery, and Allison is deathly allergic to dogs but has a poodle because (it turns out) poodles have hair, not fur. Mike, bored, mentions his cat. Nina is smart. She doesn’t say a word.
• 10:15–11:45 a.m. Group therapy.
Mike sits in a circle with ten girls from his wing and a doctor named Richard. Richard has a ponytail. He introduces Mike to the group. Then the girls talk. And talk. And talk.
One girl just got caught hiding high-fiber bars in her hair dryer where the batteries are supposed to be.
Girl who hid high-fiber bars: “Looking in my personal belongings constitutes illegal search and seizure.”
Richard tells her that because high-fiber bars are laxatives, she has lost the privilege of walking her tthe grounds tomorrow.
Another girl says she used to eat everything in sight and then throw up so much at home that all the pipes in her bathroom had to be replaced.
Girl who destroyed the pipes: “It cost a hell of a lot of money.” She grins.
It makes no sense. Mike has such sublime control, and he’s stuck here with girls who are nothing like him, compulsive girls who have zero control.
• 12:15–1:00 p.m. Lunch.
More Ensure.
Mike is starting to panic. He can’t handle all this stuff in his system. He feels it, taking up space.
Amber was always such a big help. Maybe Nina can help you, too.
After Cheryl and Allison get up, Mike turns to Nina.
Mike (quietly): “Do you know a place I can go, to work out a little? Is there a room somewhere that’s not locked, where they can’t see you?”
Nina: [nothing]
Mike: “C’mon, tell me. Don’t keep it a secret.”
Nina: [nothing]
She would tell you, if she knew. She’s on your side.
Nina looks down. Mike realizes he’s got his hand wrapped around her forearm. He feels like he’s holding a bone. He lets go.
• 1:15–2:30 p.m. Individual therapy.
It’s Mike’s first appointment with his one-on-one therapist. She looks Indian. She’s not unattractive, with long dark wavy hair, a silky scarf around her throat, big eyes like a cat’s, and jasmine perfume that fills the air. She sits on a couch, and Mike sits opposite her in an armchair.
Therapist (with a slight accent): “Hello, Mike. My name is Darpana.” And she spells it for him: “D-a-r-p-a-n-a.”
Mike: [nothing]
Darpana: “Do you know how sick you were, to be brought here?”
Remember Dr. Steiner? Tell her what she wants to hear. You didn’t know what you were doing, but you’re here now and you want to get well.
Mike: “I didn’t know what I was doing. But I’m here now, and I want to get well.”
Darpana looks at him. She might not be as stupid as Dr. Steiner.
Darpana: “Why do you think you went from one hundred fifty-four pounds last spring to one hundred three in November?”
Well, you needed to burn off a lot of fat. But you can’t tell her that.
Mike: “Wow, that’s really bad.”
Darpana: “You were starving yourself, Mike.”
Mike: “I was wrong to do that.”
Darpana: “I saw the results of your blood test.”
Don’t listen anymore. She is not worth your attention.
Mike is able to tune her out. I listen, so he doesn’t have to. Darpana says Mike’s electrolyte levels are abnormal; his serum potassium levels are too low; the hair on his shoulders and stomach is called lanugo, and it sprouted, apparently, because Mike has zero body fat, and getting heat to the heart, lungs, and kidneys takes priority over the rest of the body, and the body is doing whatever it can to keep warm. She has no idea, of course, how good Mike felt, how the cold doesn’t matter, how none of it matters when you’re fit and strong, a master of chaos, in total control.
Darpana: “Are you listening to me, Mike?”
Mike: “Definitely.”
• 3:00–3:30 p.m. Snack time.
More Ensure.
• 3:45 p.m. Walk around the grounds.
Everything feels unfamiliar, alien—how the air smells of trees, how the late-afternoon sun slants on rolling hills, leaving long shadows because winter is approaching. Back in Belle Heights, the only birds are pigeons and sparrows. Here the cardinals, blue jays, and crows are louder than any car alarm. Mike never thought he would miss the whoosh of planes and cars, or pigeons.
You are not really here. This is not your real life.
• 4:30–5:30 p.m. Activity period in the rec room.
Mike sees a girl at the drawing table, carefully choosing the color of a marker like she’s deciding her future. Mike sits on the itchy couch. He wants to work out so badly. His body aches for it.
I was so close, Mike thinks. I was almost there.
• 6:00–7:00 p.m. Dinner.
More Ensure. Cheryl and Allison talk about food. Cheryl says she used to eat Sara Lee frozen cheesecake, still frozen, one sliver at a time. Mike notices something about Nina. Sometimes she whispers to herself.
• 7:30–9:30 p.m. TV in the rec room.
They watch reruns, flipping among How I Met Your Mother and Mad Men and Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
• 9:45 p.m. Snack.
Mike drinks another bottle of Ensure.
• 10:30–11:00 p.m. Back to his room for another supervised visit to the bathroom, and quiet time.
Mike looks out the window. It’s dark but the moon is bright. The hills look ghostly. This is not my real life, he thinks. I am not really here.
• 11:00 p.m. Lights out.
At some point later there’s a powerful storm and it wakes Mike up. The rain beats against the window like it’s trying to break through and spray Mike with cold water and shattered glass. He curls up beneath the blankets.
That therapist, Darpana, said I almost died, Mike thinks. She’s seen patients die with better stats than me.