There was a time when I had doubts.
Never about God’s might or goodness, of course. Only, sometimes, whether we were truly doing His will. I would confront the enemy, and see not blasphemers but people. Not traitors-in-waiting, but children. I would recite the words of our savior: did not the Christ Himself say I come not bringing peace, but a sword? Did not Holy Constantine baptize his troops with their sword-arms raised? I knew the scriptures, I’d known them from the crèche — and yet sometimes, God help me, they seemed only words, and the enemy had faces.
None so blind as those who will not see.
Those days are past. The Spirit has burned brighter in me over the past month than ever before. And this morning — this morning it burned brighter still. In Trajan’s memory.
I get off the tram at my usual stop. The platform is empty but for a pair of constables. They do not board. They approach me, their feet clicking across the tiles with the telltale disciplined rhythm of those in authority. They wear the insignia of the priesthood.
I study their faces as they block my way. The memory of the Spirit fades just enough to leave room for a trickle of apprehension.
“Forgive the intrusion, Praetor,” one of them says, “but we must ask you to come with us.”
Yes, they are sure they have the right man. No, there is no mistake. No, it cannot wait. They are sorry, but they are simply following orders from the Bishop. No, they do not know what this concerns.
In that, at least, they are lying. It isn’t difficult to tell; colleagues and prisoners are accorded very different treatment in this regime, and they are not treating me as a colleague. I am not shackled, at least. I am not under arrest, my presence is merely required at the temple. They have accused me of nothing.
That, perhaps, is the most frustrating thing of alclass="underline" accused, I could at least deny the charges.
Their cart winds through Constantinople, coasting from rail to rail with a click and a hum. I stand at the prow, forward of the control column. My escorts stand behind. Another unspoken accusation, this arrangement; I have not been ordered to keep my eyes front, but if I faced them — if I asserted the right to look back—how long would it be before a firm hand came down on my shoulder and turned me forward again?
“This is not the way to the temple,” I say over my shoulder.
“Origen’s blocked to Augustine. Cleaning up after the funeral.”
Another lie. My own company guarded the procession down Augustine not two days ago. We left no obstructions. The constables probably know this. They are not trying to mislead me; they are showing me that they don’t care enough to bother with a convincing lie.
I turn to confront them, and am preempted before I can speak: “Praetor, I must ask you to remove your helmet.”
“You’re joking.”
“No sir. The bishop was quite explicit.”
Stupefied and disbelieving, I undo the chin strap and lift the instrument from my skull. I begin to tuck it under my arm, but the constable reaches out and takes it from me.
“This is insane,” I tell him. Without the helmet I’m as blind and deaf as any heathen. “I’ve done nothing wrong. What possible reason—”
The constable at the wheel turns us left onto a new track. The other puts his hand on my shoulder, and firmly turns me around.
Golgotha Plaza. Of course.
This is where the Godless come to die. The loss of my helmet is moot here; no one feels the presence of the Lord in this place. Our cart slides silently past the ranks of the heretics and the demon-possessed on their crosses, their eyes rolled back in their heads, bloody rivulets trickling from the spikes hammered through their wrists. Some have probably been here since before Trajan died; crucifixion could take days even in the days before anesthetics, and now we are a more civilized nation. We do not permit needless suffering even among our condemned.
It’s an old trick, and a transparent one; many prisoners, paraded past these ranks, have chosen to cooperate before interrogation even begins. Do these two think I don’t see through them? Do they think I haven’t done this myself, more times than I can count?
Some of the dying cry out as we pass — not with pain, but with the voices of the demons in their heads. Even now, they preach. Even now, they seek to convert others to their Godless ways. No wonder the Church damps this place — for what might a simple man think, feeling the Divine Presence while hearing sacrilege?
And yet, I almost can feel God’s presence. It should be impossible, even if the constables hadn’t confiscated my helmet.
But there it is: a trickle of the Divine, like a thin bright shaft of sunlight breaking through the roof of a storm. It doesn’t overpower; God’s presence does not flood through me as it did earlier. But there is comfort, nonetheless. He is everywhere. He is even here. We do not banish Him with damper fields, any more than we turn off the sun by closing a window.
God is telling me, Have strength. I am with you.
My fear recedes like an ebbing tide. I turn back to my escorts and smile; God is with them too, if they’d only realize it.
But I don’t believe they do. Something changes in their faces when they look at me. The last time I turned to face them, they were merely grim and uncooperative.
Now, for some reason, they almost look afraid.
They take me to the temple, but not to the bishop. They send me through the tunnel of light instead. They tell me it is entirely routine, although I went through the tunnel only four months ago and am not due again for another eight.
My armor is not returned to me afterwards. Instead, they escort me into the bishop’s sanctum, through an ornate doorway embellished with the likeness of a fiery cross and God’s commandment to Constantine: In hoc signo vinces. In this sign, conquer.
They leave me alone, but I know the procedure. There are guards outside.
The sanctum is dark and comforting, all cushions and velvet drapes and mahogany bones. There are no windows. A screen on one wall glows with a succession of volumetric images. Each lingers for a few moments before dissolving hypnotically into the next: the Sinai foothills; Prolinius leading the charge against the Hindus; the Holy Grotto itself, where God showed Moses the Burning Bush, where He showed all of us the way of the Spirit.
“Imagine that we had never found it.”
I turn to find the bishop standing behind me as if freshly materialized. He holds a large envelope the color of ivory. He watches me with the faintest trace of a smile on his lips.
“Teacher?” I say.
“Imagine that Constantine never had his vision, that Eusebius never sent his expedition into Sinai. Imagine that the Grotto had never been rediscovered after Moses. No thousand-year legacy, no technological renaissance. Just another unprovable legend about a prophet hallucinating in the mountains, and ten commandments handed down with no tools to enforce them. We’d be no better than the heathens.”
He gestures me towards a settee, a decadent thing, overstuffed and wine-colored. I do not wish to sit, but neither do I wish to give offence. I perch carefully on one edge.
The bishop remains standing. “I’ve been there, you know,” he continues. “In the very heart of the grotto. Kneeling in the very place Moses Himself must have knelt.”
He’s waiting for a response. I clear my throat. “It must have been…indescribable.”
“Not really.” He shrugs. “You probably feel closer to God during your morning devotionals. It’s…unrefined, after all. Raw ore. Astounding enough that a natural formation could induce any kind of religious response, much less one consistent enough to base a culture on. Still, the effect is…weaker than you might expect. Overrated.”