Jag watched me wrestle with myself, a doubtful glare on his face. “What?” I asked him.
“You’ve got some weird vibes,” he said. “Are you doing this or not?”
I wanted to say yes, because it would make him happy.
I wanted to say no, because General Darke would be furious if he found out.
I wanted to go back to sleep so I didn’t have to choose.
In the past I’d always done whatever it took to keep Vi safe. Anything and everything to protect her, to ensure her survival, to keep her as my own.
But she was already safe. And she was with someone else now.
How was I supposed to make decisions without her as my motivation?
I glanced at Saffediene and was struck by the beauty of her freckles. Could she be my motivation?
Why did anyone have to be my motivation?
I needed to decide what I wanted, not what I wanted because of someone else. I needed to classify what I liked, what I didn’t like, what I believed, what I didn’t, what brought me joy, and what didn’t.
I reached out and traced my fingertip along Saffediene’s cheekbone. She startled, waking and searching my face for an explanation.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I said softly. I wished Irvine and Jag weren’t here. But my wishes rarely come true.
Saffediene didn’t respond verbally. She closed the distance between us and kissed me. Then I really, really wished Irvine and Jag weren’t watching.
I vaguely heard their footsteps as they left.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I murmured against her mouth. She kept saying, “I forgive you. It’s okay,” in between kisses.
Warmth grew inside me, expanding until it pushed out my fear and doubt. Finally, with my lips raw, I gently extracted myself from Saffediene’s embrace.
“Saffediene?”
She snuggled into my side. “Hmm?”
“Why do you like me?”
A long pause followed, wherein some of my doubt crept back in. I struggled to keep it at bay.
“Is this a trick question?” she asked.
“No,” I said. “It’s just . . . No one’s ever liked me before. Not the real me, at least. And it seems that you do. I’m just wondering why.”
“You don’t see yourself very clearly, do you?”
I don’t see myself at all, I thought. I don’t know who I am, or what I’m doing, or why. “No,” I said, “I don’t.”
She propped herself up on her elbow and looked me straight in my eyes. “The first time I met you, your conviction struck me like a weight to the chest. Every word was spoken with complete and utter confidence. You had an answer for all my fears, all my doubts. I remember thinking that you had everything figured out.”
I barked out a laugh. “I’m really good at lying.”
“That wasn’t a lie. No one’s that good.”
I am, I thought, and I really was. The real question was: Had I been lying to myself too, all this time?
“Zenn,” Irvine called. I stiffened, not sure I could record new transmissions. Not sure I believed the words that I’d need to force out of my mouth.
“I believe in you,” Saffediene said. “I believe that you’ll find yourself. Just go in there and say the first thing that comes to your mind.”
Irv adjusted the dials on his equipment, twisting one way and then the other. He wouldn’t look directly at me, and Jag wouldn’t look anywhere else. He stared at me, his twisted smirk saying, Let’s see what you have to say.
I sat as still as possible, looking at the bandages on my knee and ignoring everyone. I tried to organize what I might say on the transmissions, but nothing jelled.
Then Irvine hooked something to my throat. “Good luck,” Jag said as they both left. Now I had no one but myself to account to.
I remained silent for a few minutes, trying to find the right words to start. They didn’t come. The equipment blinked, encouraging me to speak already. I knew Jag and Vi and everyone else were waiting in another room, waiting to hear what I’d say.
I was waiting too.
I thought of Saffediene, and how she remembered every detail of the first time we’d met. I felt bad that she hadn’t made that big of an impact on me, but I was determined to make it up to her.
I believe in you. Her words raced through my mind.
I opened my mouth. “Citizens of Freedom, it is time for you to wake up. This is the last brainwashing message you’ll hear. That’s right, brainwashing. And it stops here, now. Today.”
Jag
53.
I sat in a darkened room, watching the day fade into dusk. Zenn’s voice still floated in my head, full of conviction.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it, his words were perfect. The transmissions were perfect, and they’d been cycling through the feed for the past five hours. Irv had the security in Rise Twelve operating at full capacity, and he and Trek had the communication lines open again.
But I waited in silence, without a cache, in Ian Darke’s house. Vi had come with me, and I’d managed to convince her to stay upstairs while I spoke with Darke.
I imagined what I might say to him, how I might incapacitate him. I had nothing. With Freedom in ruins and on the brink of a new, free society, Darke didn’t seem so intimidating anymore.
Sure, there were more Directors to overthrow and more cities to unbrainwash, but now I knew it was doable. Now I knew we had the resources, the personnel, and the experience to actually carry it out.
I’d dispatched my traveling team a few hours earlier. They were headed to the friendliest cities—Harvest, Cedar Hills, Grande, Mountain Dale, Baybridge—with copies of Zenn’s recordings. I’d laced my voice over his, and then Gunn had as well. The power of our three voices could wake the dead.
People everywhere would soon come out of the mental fog they’d been in their whole lives. We’d establish laws, teach correct principles, and let the people govern themselves. I almost smiled.
My parents had died in defense of freedom. I’d been working for years to see the birth of a free society. I felt a crack in my barriers. I’d let Vi in, at least a little bit. It hurt, but feeling something and experiencing life with someone else was better than feeling nothing and being lonely all the time.
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts, I didn’t notice someone enter the house.
“Well, hello, Jag,” Ian Darke said, his voice smooth and low. “To what do I owe this honor?” He cast his eyes around the room. “And where’s Director Bower?”
I steepled my fingers under my chin. “He’s detained.”
“Is he dead?”
My stomach tightened, but a smile stretched my lips. “Perhaps.” I’d let Darke think what he wanted, especially if it played in my favor. “Sit down. We need to talk.”
Darke moved to the chair opposite me so swiftly, it was as if my voice had influenced him.
Interesting, I thought. Darke should have extensive protections against voice and mind control. I wondered if his personal tech security had been corrupted. I wondered if he knew.
His security was down, Vi confirmed. He just switched it back on. He’d turned it off to save energy during his travels.
Did he get what he wanted in Castledale? I kept my eyes on Darke while Vi and I held our mental conversation. I had no personal tech security to keep Darke out of my head, but I didn’t care if he eavesdropped on my convo.
No, she said. Can you feel his emotions?
No, I said. He’s folded those away.