Biff Bifferson: Fuck professionalism.
Beelzebub: Biff Bifferson, you can’t say that on the air.
First and ten on the thirty-eight yard line.
Biff Bifferson: There goes Turbo Ginn! Fuck some chickens, boy!
Beelzebub: The Spielman twins make the tackle. Old Time has first and ten on the fifty yard line.
Biff Bifferson: I swear, this year’s Country Vampires are going to give the Death Crusaders a serious run for their drug money.
Beelzebub: We can’t talk about drugs on the air either.
Biff Bifferson: Beer money, then.
Beelzebub: They’re minors. They can’t drink beer.
Biff Bifferson: Go fuck yourself, you old fly.
Beelzebub: The game, Biff Bifferson. Focus on the game.
Biff Bifferson: This one is bound to be a classic. Classically bad, maybe. We’ve yet to see what kind of chops this Danny Werewolf character is packing. Except on his face!
Beelzebub: Please, Biff Bifferson. Refrain from making fun of the werewolf’s sideburns.
Chapter Thirteen
Danny watched from the sideline as Turbo Ginn concluded the Country Vampires’ first drive with a long break-away touchdown run.
An orange number six lit up on the scoreboard for the visiting team. After they kicked the extra point, it changed to a seven.
The Death Crusaders didn’t gain much on the kickoff return, giving the offense a start around their own fifteen yard line.
The crowd went wild as Danny took the field for the first time in his high school career. He wondered what they thought of him. Most had probably placed bets that he’d fuck everything up. At the same time, he looked badass in the blood-filled truck.
He huddled with his teammates and called for a handoff up the middle to Byronius “Speed Goblin” Alexander.
Along with Moose Elwood, Byronius had been a major factor in Heavy Metal’s current undefeated season. He’d rushed for more yards and touchdowns than anyone in a decade.
Danny lined up behind the center, Biggy Pie, and prepared to take the snap. “Hut, hut, hike!”
The ball slapped against his hands, which had to stretch all the way around to the front grill. He pivoted and made the handoff to Byronius, who got stuffed at the line of scrimmage.
The next play was an outside pitch to Byronius. Again, the running back went nowhere.
On third down with ten yards to go, Coach Doom signaled in a curl pass. Danny gulped. This would be his first passing attempt ever.
Although Danny had several players he could throw to on this play, he already anticipated getting the ball to wide receiver Mickey Styx. Nobody could pull in a pass, no matter how wild or sloppy, like Styx.
Biggy Pie tapped Danny’s side mirror as they went up to the ball. “Don’t fuck this up,” Biggy said.
Danny sank down in his driver’s seat and took a deep breath. Don’t fuck this up. Don’t fuck this up.
Suddenly, he felt nauseated. “Hut,” he said, followed by rapid-fire hiccups. He belched and had to swallow down some vomit. “Hike!”
He dropped back to pass. He knew he was telegraphing to the defense that he intended throwing the ball to Mickey Styx, but they would’ve expected as much anyway.
Danny waited for Styx to break away from the cornerback covering him. He squealed on his tires as two Vampires broke through the offensive line.
Clueless as to what he should do, Danny flung a high and wild pass far down the field. He held his breath as the ball soared toward the end zone. Just as he thought he’d overthrown it, Mickey Styx leaped into the air and made a miraculous one-handed catch, tagging down the toes of both feet before crashing into the goalpost.
The Heavy Metal fans roared.
Danny had thrown his first touchdown! He was going to be a hero!
But first he needed to vomit.
Chapter Fourteen
As the kicker nailed the extra point, Danny’s teammates congratulated him on the sideline. They patted his hood and tailgate and said things like “Awesome job!” and “Fuck yeah, were-bro!”
The cheerleaders turned his name into a chant and the crowd joined in. They loved him.
Everybody loved him!
The game had just begun; they were tied at seven, but Danny was already a hero. Even Coach Doom came over to personally congratulate him.
Within the blood-filled cab, Danny nodded his head and smiled as Coach Doom pumped his fists in the air and returned his attention to the game.
He hardly got a moment to recover from all the positive attention because on the very first play, the Country Vampires’ star quarterback, Whiskey Nash, fumbled the ball when the Siamese linebackers sacked him. The twins recovered the fumble.
“Offense, on the field!” Coach Doom shouted. “Fuckin’ kick their little bitch asses!”
Danny and the rest of the offense stormed the field.
In the huddle, all eyes fixed on Danny. It was up to him to call the play this time. “Alright, I want an end-around to Styx on three.” He clapped his hands to break the huddle, but everyone stared blank-eyed at him.
“Bullshit,” said Biggie Pie.
“Yeah man, their defense is too quick. Trick plays won’t work on them. They’ll see that shit from a mile away,” said Mickey Styx.
“Fine.” Danny cleared his throat. “Let Byronius smash it up the hole.”
“Send ‘er deep!” Coach Doom yelled from the sideline. Byronius shook his head. “Coach called for us to go deep. It worked the first time. You better listen to what he says.
Danny opened his mouth to call for a deep pass, but the referee blew a whistle and threw a yellow flag.
The referee ran to the center of the field and announced, “Delay of game on the offense.”
Another ref picked up the ball and moved it back five yards.
“Nice going, dipshit,” Biggie Pie told Danny as the team re-huddled.
Danny ignored him, intent on getting the ball snapped in time. “Alright, I want Styx lined up wide right. On set, you, Byronius, motion left. Both of you run five yard curls.”
Mickey Styx and Byronius looked at him doubtfully.
“They’ll be blitzing heavy because they know I’m in-experienced, and with you two lined up out in the flats, the secondary will fall back, playing it safe to prevent a big play.”
Mickey’s eyes flashed and he nodded. “Leaving the middle wide open.”
“Exactly,” Danny said. “Ready, break!”
The Death Crusaders broke their huddle and jogged to the line of scrimmage.
“Down,” Danny snarled. “Set.”
He revved his engine as Byronius motioned left. The defense adjusted accordingly.
Seconds before Byronius hit the line of scrimmage, Danny shouted, “Hike!”
Danny dropped back deeper in the pocket than he needed to, giving the defense the impression that he was looking long.
The offensive line was losing ground to the blitzing front seven, but Styx and Byronius had cut in harmoniously. They were wide open. Coverage had dropped back exactly how Danny expected.
He drilled Styx in the chest with the ball. Styx could have run for an easy additional ten yards, if the impact of the ball hadn’t knocked him off his feet. Regardless, the pass picked up ten yards.
Back in the huddle, Styx rubbed his chest. “Damn, Danny. You throw short passes harder than Moose.”
Danny flashed a toothsome grin before calling the same route again. “Only this time, it’s a fullback smash up the hole.”