The fullback, Steamboat Larry, was a rock-hard two-hundred-and-fifty pound Irish boy compacted into a five-seven frame. He lived in Old Time’s district, but Heavy Metal had recruited him for his brawn and his brains.
Steamboat Larry could recite the lyrics to every metal song ever written, even the unrecorded ones. The dude was a telepathic genius in the body of a ripped bulldog.
They lined up at the ball. On cue, Byronius went through his motions. The secondary crept up and the linebackers stepped back, anticipating a repeat of the previous play. Beating a defense was as easy as outsmarting them.
Even without his truck body, Danny could have done this all day long.
Steamboat Larry pounded the ball for a six yard gain, earning Heavy Metal a first down.
On the next play, Danny threw a shovel pass to Byronius, who juked and spun for a twelve yard gain. The crowd started up a chant of “Speed… Goblin! Speed…
Goblin!” They pounded their feet on the bleachers, sending up a cacophonous roar of thunder.
Heavy Metal had crossed the fifty yard line.
With another first and ten, Danny hit the tight end on a quick slant. Then they did it again, picking up four to five yards each pass.
On third down with a short yard to go, Coach Doom called in a Hail Mary. He wanted Byronius, Steamboat Larry, the tight end, and both wide receivers all running deep, which would leave only the front five to protect Danny from the defense. He took this as a sign that Coach Doom trusted him now.
The ball was snapped and Danny dropped back. They had double coverage on Mickey Styx and a lone corner on the second receiver. A linebacker picked up the tight end, leaving only one safety to cover Byronius and Steamboat Larry.
Byronius flew down the left side of the field while Steamboat Larry tromped down the right like a stampeding rhinoceros. The safety fell off Styx to cover Byronius with little success. Byronius blew by the safety.
Danny scanned the field. Steamboat Larry was open, but he didn’t have the best hands. He’d have to throw between coverage to hit Styx and the second receiver was more of a decoy than an actual target. But did he have the accuracy to hit Byronius from nearly half a field away? The offensive line crumbled and the defense barreled through.
Spinning on his wheels, Danny launched an off-kilter bullet toward the Speed Goblin’s anticipated trajectory. The pass hit him in perfect stride.
Touchdown!
The gong sounded, signifying the end of the first quarter. Heavy Metal was leading 14-7 and Danny had thrown two touchdown passes. He felt greatness in his blood.
For the first time since the game began, Danny paused and listened to the music that was playing. He couldn’t believe his ears. Holy Diver blared from the loudspeakers.
Chapter Fifteen
The Old Time Country Vampires scored a field goal on their first drive of the second quarter, and then surprised the Heavy Metal Death Crusaders with an onside kick.
The Vampires recovered the ball and ran it back for a touchdown, taking the lead and bringing the score to 14-17 before Heavy Metal’s offense took to the field.
Under Danny’s command, Heavy Metal controlled the ball and the clock on three long, pass-heavy drives that each led to scores. In addition to his three passing touchdowns in the second, the defense ran back an interception. With a halftime score of 42-17, the game was looking like a blowout. Even in the heydays of Goyle Flex, games against Old Time were always neck and neck, but today, Heavy Metal was untouchable.
While his teammates jogged to the locker room for halftime, Danny drove over to the bleachers to look for his father, but the old werewolf was nowhere to be seen.
Barbetta waved and blew him a kiss. He smiled and waved back, but returned his searching gaze to the bleachers. He couldn’t think about her until the game was over.
Maybe his father was getting a hotdog at the concession stand, or using the bathroom. There were a lot of reasons why he would not be in the bleachers during halftime.
Forget about him, he thought. He’s just a deadbeat anyway.
When his teammates emerged from the locker room, Danny sped over to meet them in the pig pit, trying to forget about his father and Barbetta. Heavy Metal had been untouchable in the first half, but the game was not over yet. There remained two full quarters of play. Danny had to stay focused. He could still fuck everything up.
Licking salty pig’s feet was just the thing he needed to get back into game mode.
The third quarter dragged on longer than the first two. Heavy Metal played conservatively on offense, scoring only once. The defense continued shutting down Old Time. The Vampires went three and out most possessions.
They racked up four turnovers in the third quarter alone.
Danny felt good to be on the winning side of a beat-down for once in his life.
Chapter Sixteen
In the commentary booth:
Beelzebub: Heading into the fourth quarter, the score is 49-17, Heavy Metal in the lead. The last thing anyone expected was for this championship to be a blowout in Heavy Metal’s favor. Led by a backup quarterback who had never played outside of scrimmages before tonight, who would have thought? But Danny is an outstanding field general.
He has played an impeccable game. Can you break down how our quarterbacks are doing, Biff Bifferson?
Biff Bifferson: I think I know what it is now. Several years ago, at the zoo, I tried to push my wife into the crocodile exhibit. She never forgave me for that. The bitch never forgave me.
Beelzebub: Going into the fourth quarter, Danny has completed 21 of 28 passes for a completion percentage of 75.0. He has thrown five touchdowns, zero interceptions, and a whopping 311 yards. By the pro formula, he holds an astronomical quarterback rating of 150.4. He’s playing the game of a lifetime, folks.
Biff Bifferson: It’s not like the crocodiles hurt her.
Beelzebub: (Clearing throat.) To the contrary, Old Time’s Whiskey Nash, who broke most of Goyle Flex’s league passing records this season, has all but blown his full-ride recruitment offers from some of the biggest football schools in the nation by playing the single worst game of his career, in the championship no less. Whiskey Nash is 15 for 36 with a completion percentage of 41.7, 178 yards, zero touchdowns, five interceptions, and a pro quarterback rating of 17.8. I wouldn’t be surprised if the college scouts watching him tonight end up talking to Danny after the game.
Biff Bifferson: Oh shit, we’s gonna cut you!
Chapter Seventeen
On the first play of their first possession of the fourth quarter, Coach Doom called in a quarterback sneak. It was an odd play choice, but would be unexpected to the defense. Danny figured Coach Doom really wanted to rub this blowout in Old Time’s face.
Before the snap, lined up behind Biggie Pie, Danny turned his head and looked at the crowd cheering him on.
He looked up just in time to see a drunken werewolf who looked a lot like his father being toted away by Skeletor and two other skelecops. Danny must have made a noise because Biggie Pie snapped the ball.
Unable to stop the game, Danny tucked the ball under one arm and hoped he wouldn’t fumble. His tires flung grass and mud. His engine growled and he roared ahead, plowing through the pursuing defensive players before running down more players, Vampires and Death Crusaders alike.
He drove all the way down the field and lurched to a halt after passing through the end zone. Fuck yes, he thought, I’ve always dreamed of running for a touchdown.