“Because now he's figured it out, and it's none of his business.”
“And me? What am I supposed to figure out, Brad? Just how stupid have I been? How often have you done this?” She didn't know where he'd been, but it was obvious he hadn't been in Cleveland.
“That's not the issue.” He looked annoyed again. He hated having to admit any of this to her, but in a way, he had no choice now.
“Yes, it is! It's very much the issue. You got caught with your pants down this weekend, and I have a right to know where you were, and with whom. This is my life you're playing with too. You're not just out there on your own, having fun, and passing through here between golf games. This is for real, and so am I. What about you, Brad? Just exactly what's going on here?” She was shaking with rage, and he looked angry more than guilty.
“You've got the idea. Do I have to spell it out for you?” It broke her heart to hear him say it. She almost wondered how much more pain her heart could take in one weekend. She had wanted him to deny everything, wanted none of it to be true. But it was, and now it couldn't be avoided.
“Is this something new?” she pressed on, but Brad didn't want to tell her.
“I'm not going to discuss it with you, Page.”
“You'd better, Brad. I'm not going to play these games with you. Is this someone important to you?”
“Oh for chrissake, Page, why do we have to talk about this now?”
“Because it can't wait. You started this, now I want to know what you've been doing. Is this serious? Has it been going on for long? Has it happened before …and why?” She looked at him miserably, her voice a sad whisper. “What happened to us, and why didn't I know what you were up to?” How blind could she have been? Had there been signs? Looking back, even now, she couldn't see them.
Brad sat down unhappily and stared at her, hating every minute of their conversation. He hated confrontations with her, he always had. But he knew now that this one couldn't be postponed or avoided. Maybe it was just as well. She had to know sooner or later.
“I guess I should have said something a while ago, but I thought … I thought it would end, and I wouldn't have to.”
“Is it serious?” He didn't answer for a long time, and his eyes, when he looked at her, almost made her heart stop. This was no fling, this was a serious relationship, and she wondered with a gulp of terror if, without a warning sound, their marriage was already over. “Well?” Her voice was a croak as she listened to it, and tried to force him to answer. “Is it? Serious, I mean.”
“It could be,” he answered, sounding confused. “Page, I just don't know. That's why I haven't told you.” He looked desperately unhappy.
“How long has it been?” How long had she been stupid and blind, and incredibly foolish? Page fought back tears as she waited for his answer.
“It's been about eight months. It started on a business trip. She works in the creative department, and we went to New York to make a presentation to a client together.”
“What's she like?” Page started to feel sick as she asked, but she wanted to know everything now …eight months …eight months} How could she have been so stupid?
“Stephanie's very different …from you, I mean … I don't know …she's very independent, very free, very much her own person. She's from L.A., she came up here to go to Stanford, and stayed. She's twenty-six. She's just …I don't know … we talk a lot, we like the same things. I kept telling myself I had to stop …but I just couldn't.” He looked at her helplessly, and she would have felt sorry for him if he hadn't been killing her with what he was saying. She wanted to ask him if she was beautiful, if she was great in bed, if he really loved her. But how much more could she ask? And how much more could she bear hearing?
“What were you planning to do about her, Brad? Leave me eventually?”
“I just don't know. I knew it couldn't go on like this. But I've just been so confused.” He ran a hand through his hair as he looked at her. “It's been driving me crazy.”
“And where was I during all this? Why didn't I see what was going on?” She stared at him, unbelieving. It was all too incredible, and too awful. Her worst nightmares had come true. Allyson was nearly dead, and Brad was in love with another woman. “What's happened to us, Brad? Why have we gotten so involved with our own lives? Why are you always out of town, or playing golf, and I'm always driving car pools? Is that what happened? We just drifted away from each other while I wasn't looking?” She wanted to understand what had happened to them, but for now, she just couldn't. Too much had happened.
“It's not your fault,” he said gallantly, and then shook his head again, visibly confused. “Maybe it is your fault …maybe it's both our faults. Maybe we just let something happen that never should have. Maybe we got caught up in all the unimportant bullshit. I wish I knew. I just don't have the answers.” He hadn't in eight months, which was why he hadn't left her, or told her.
“Would you stop seeing her?” she asked him openly, and he hesitated for a long time, and then slowly he shook his head, as she felt the air go out of her body. “And what am I supposed to do? Just look the other way while you go on fucking Little Miss Creative?” She was suddenly overwhelmed with anger as she looked at him, and out of nowhere came an almost uncontrollable desire to hit him, with words if not her fists, and Brad looked as though he understood it. He had reproached himself a lot of the time, for the past eight months, particularly when Page was good to him, or did something nice for him, or wanted to make love. He had spent the last months feeling unbearably guilty whenever he was with her. And yet he couldn't stop seeing Stephanie. He wasn't ready to give up either of them. He told himself that he was in love with both of them, but the truth was, he wasn't. He still loved Page, but he wasn't in love with her anymore. He hadn't been for a while, he didn't know why, but he knew he wasn't. He loved her, and respected her, she was a terrific mother to their kids, and a great wife to him. She was a great friend, and a great person. She was everything any man would want …and yet, she didn't set his heart and his mind on fire the way Stephanie did, and nothing he could do or say would change that.
“What am I supposed to do now? Just disappear? Make life easy for both of you?” She suddenly panicked, wondering if he expected her to move out, or if he was planning to now that she knew about the affair. And what about Andy? She started to cry, just thinking about it, what lay ahead, and now all of it compounded by their anguish over Allie. “What do you expect of me?” she said, looking and sounding as distraught as she felt. He wished he could reassure her, but he couldn't.
“I don't expect anything. Let's just get Allyson through this, and concentrate on surviving. Why don't we deal with this afterward? We just can't do both things at once.” It was a rational suggestion, but Page was too unnerved to be reasonable at this point, and he understood that.
“And then what? You move out when Allie wakes up … or after the funeral?” she asked, bitter and frightened again. She was bordering on hysterical, but he made no move to console her. He just couldn't. He was too upset himself, and he knew that anything he tried to do would just make it worse now. Now that she knew about Stephanie, he felt he needed to keep a certain distance.
“I don't know what we do, Page. I've been trying to figure it out myself for months, and I haven't gotten anywhere. Maybe you can come up with an answer.” He wasn't ready to divorce her yet, and he wasn't sure what to do about Stephanie, and Stephanie was willing to wait till he sorted his life out. She wasn't pushing him to do anything. But his passion for her was propelling him toward a solution. And he didn't want to live a lie forever, or be consumed by the guilt he felt toward Page, particularly now that it was out in the open.