‘Miss Hathaway! I… forgive me, please. I was overcome by the night and the music and your beauty. Do not… please say I have not offended you too deeply.’
He hadn’t offended her at all. How could he when it had been entirely her idea? Why, she had practically offered her lips on an engraved invitation card but he had not thought for a moment that what had transpired had been her fault. It had been sweet. Lord Allingham was sweet. But he was also disappointing for there had been no fire, no spark, none of the wondrous rush of exquisite delight that Kirkwood’s demanding kiss had produced.
Audrey had assured his lordship that she was not in the least offended and they had returned to the crowds and the light, being sure to avoid the other couples who had also taken the opportunity to steal a few intimate embraces away from the watchful eyes of their chaperones. Allingham had been extremely careful about returning her to the bosom of her family and she had appreciated his thoughtfulness, for a girl’s reputation was a fragile thing and she had been a rash fool to put hers in peril for the second time in two days.
Under the circumstances it had hardly been surprising when he had called around to the house the next day. Having kissed her, his lordship would naturally reach the conclusion that a proposal should follow. In the absence of Marcus, who was the head of the Hathaway household now that her father had gone, Allingham had requested an interview with her mother and herself. Audrey had stood there, feeling utterly dreadful while Allingham had smiled at her, entirely confident that she would say yes to his offer of marriage. And, for a long moment she had hovered on the brink of doing exactly that. It would be so easy to say yes. She had the opportunity to be a countess, the wife of one of the richest men in the country. It would be an excellent match, a glorious match and she would be the envy of every girl in London. No sane or sensible female would have said no to such a stellar future.
Saying no had been difficult but she had forced the words out, knowing that she could not take her place beside Allingham for two very good reasons.
The first was that there was the possibility that his brother would step back into her life on a regular basis, throwing her into confusion and forcing her to recall their extremely inappropriate encounter. Her brief meeting with Kirkwood must necessarily taint any future dealings between them and, while it certainly sounded as if the brothers did not socialize very much, there would surely be occasions when she would run into the older man. It was, she knew, quite impossible to accept Allingham’s offer when she still harbored such vivid memories of another man’s caress.
And the second was that the earl was simply not the man she had been looking for. Accepting his lordship’s offer could only bring unhappiness to both of them and she did not, for all the world, wish Lord Allingham unhappiness.
Unsurprisingly, her rejection had caused a scandal, for it seemed that in very short order most of London knew that Miss Hathaway had declined to be the Countess of Allingham. Amid the talk, her mother had calmly taken Audrey and Millie off to Bath for several weeks to enjoy a change of scenery and naturally, the talk had died down, although it had not disappeared completely. Audrey hated being an on dit, the subject of social gossip. Worse than that, however, was the guilt that she felt if she happened upon Allingham, who clearly felt mortified when they met. It was a relief when he removed himself to his country estate before the Season was over, but his retreat caused another wave of unwelcome talk.
Oddly enough, her rejection of the most eligible man in London had not seemed to hurt her prospects in the least. There were, it seemed, quite a few other gentlemen who were eager to court the debutante who had done the unthinkable. One of her friends, Margaret Felton, had told her that she had increased her cachet a good deal by rejecting Allingham.
‘You are considered quite a challenge, you know,’ she had observed when they had been strolling together in Hyde Park one afternoon in September. ‘Refusing Allingham was quite incomprehensible. Now many of the gentlemen are on their mettle, wondering what it would take to secure the affections of Miss Audrey Hathaway.’
Audrey had been horrified. ‘You are joking, surely!’
‘Not at all,’ Miss Felton had given her a sideways look. ‘If I may ask, why did you refuse him? I confess, we have all been dying to know your reasons.’
‘We?’ Audrey had asked with some trepidation. She had been feeling distinctly uncomfortable with the turn the conversation had taken.
‘All of the girls, of course. I hear the poor fellow was quite crushed. Unfortunately, he has taken himself off so it seems likely that he won’t have recovered from the experience until next year, which is a pity as one of us could have benefited if he had impetuously decided to take another bride in your stead. They do that sometimes, do they not? Look at Lord Denton, marrying Clarissa March after Nesta Beckworth refused him. Clarissa was delighted by the entire affair for she had thought her chances to be hopeless. Which they might have been, had he not sought consolation in her arms. But seriously… what did Allingham do wrong? I thought that you were quite happy to have him court you.’
‘I… changed my mind. Lord Allingham is a wonderful man but I did not think we would be suited.’
Miss Felton had looked at her incredulously. ‘Not suited? But surely you could have made such a match suit. I mean, he is Allingham. So good looking and all that money.’
And that, really, had been the opinion of most of London. Miss Audrey Hathaway was fussy indeed if a catch like Allingham had not pleased her. Everybody considered her decision to be extremely perverse and she had a feeling that she might be gaining a reputation for eccentricity, which might be acceptable in an older female but was quite unappealing in a female of marriageable age, unless they were very rich or very well connected.
It had been a relief when the Season had drawn to a close. Morning calls were still paid and there were the occasional soirees to attend, but life settled back into a more relaxed rhythm and Audrey found herself relaxing a little as well. She had not realized how tense she was until the pressure of socializing almost every night had been lifted off her. She was looking forward to retreating to Little Paddocks far more fervently than usual because in Somerset she could at least pretend that her world was much as it ever was. It still seemed rather unreal to her that meeting Kirkwood could have overset her emotions so completely. The situation had been made all the worse because she had elected not to share her experience, not even with Isabella who was usually privy to all of her confidences. How could she confess to such a scandalous embrace? It was not that she did not trust her sister not to judge her, it was just… well, it did not do to dwell upon things and she already had a ridiculous tendency to think of Mr. Kirkwood far more than she ought. It was turning out that he was a very hard man to forget, which was disheartening as all she wanted was to pretend he never existed. It was not so simple. That one kiss had left her feeling… branded. She could not explain the sensation exactly, but it seemed now that Kirkwood had kissed her he had somehow left his mark on her, invisible but indelibly there.
Which was ridiculous, of course. Mr. Kirkwood was the last man in England she wished to form a tendre for. He could not give her the love she was looking for, only a heady experience in passion that she suspected he had bestowed all too freely in the past. She wanted what her brother and sister had; passion, devotion and respect. Such things would not be found in any spurious relationship with a man like Kirkwood.