[SUNDAY15 (8:30 A.M., SNIFF-SNIFF)]
Here we go! I told Nordine I wasn't going to stay in Madrid but I thought it was too ridiculous, after Julio and me writing rubbish to each other for a year not to go and see him and I went, a bit reluctantly and it was the big WHAMMO, all over again. We were together from 10:00 p.m. to 8:00 a.m. I've just left him, he was weeping, it 5 stupid to play at ghosts, we really love each other! I think I'm going to go off to Argentina with him. Of course there's the question of cash. I'll do all I can to get some, I'll make necklaces with the stones from Mauritania I bought, I'll sell everything, you'll help me, I hope, my love, maybe I'll do fashion photos, at the moment I'm a bit of a walking skeleton. I'll look after children (not mine, I hope, I forgot to take the pill once, I was stoned, I took it next morning), I'll take my exam in the fall, behave extra normally at home, pile up the cash and one day disappear. They won't come lookingfor me in Argentina! Two things are a pain in the ass, leaving my burden (you) and then Tristan. I don't know how I'll react when I see him again, I think I really want to make him suffer. I've bought some hookahs and some pipes, I haven't smoked for two days now but my pupils refuse to go back to normal. There I go, ranting on, my love, I'm sorry, all I'm doing is talking about myself but it does me good to get it off my chest, I'm afraid you're always the one who catches it. To answer your question: Adam Haberberg may have been in love with me, like half the boys in the lycée (no false modesty, girl!!!) but first of all, let me reassure you, he's not my type at all, too transparent! You're the one who interests him now, I'm sure. Get your little brain working: Why do you think he walked home with us after the party at Meudon? If it had been for my sake he wouldn't have walked me home first and you second. If he walked you home second it was to be alone with you. He's in love with you but he's shy, you're pathetically shy, the pair of you. Instead of stupidly crying your eyes out every night when you think of him, make the first move, girl! What's the risk? You're well matched, he's nice, he's good-looking, you'll always have plenty of time to meet sons of bitches, the streets are full of them, and when some son of a bitch takes your virginity, you'll say, “Oh! Where have all the nice guys like Adam gone!” Write me a long letter to Suresnes, I'm going to be alone and the chances are I won't be feeling too great when Iget back, especially if I've no cash for the vitamins a girl needs for her peace of mind. We're just coming to the frontier, I'll try to mail this letter if there's a box. I'm sending this to you at Hocquettes, I've lost your address in Cavalaire-sur-Mer, I hope they forward it. Have fun, my love. Do lots of bathing and if you see something nice, buy it for me.
Alice. Vpeace to you.
Adam folds up the pages. He slides them under the envelope without looking up. The Spanish stamps depict a mournful man dressed in black with a white collar against a black background. Each worth four pesetas.
Marie-Thérèse sits bolt upright on the sofa, smoking yet another cigarette, he thinks, since the previous one couldn't have lasted that long. They can hear the awning tapping outside the window. One of life's trivial sounds, he thinks, but nothing's trivial right now, he tells himself, as the revelation of an utterly dead past mingles with a devastating confession. If he'd been in a different mood he could have laughed it off (though no one laughs lightly here in the funeral vault of Viry-Châtillon). And if he'd been in a different mood he would have heard nothing melancholy in the rattling of the awning. He's read these pages without suffering any shock, he tells himself. If the past is now turning into this incoherent hubbub, the present is destined for the same fate. Is it the essence of time sooner or later to be nothing more than an incoherent hubbub? Turned to stone in front of her altar candle, Marie-Thérèse pays no heed to these sterile questionings, she's triggered her device and now she waits. But what are you waiting for, Marie-Thérèse, you who up until now seemed literally inoffensive? You've kept this letter for more than thirty years. Could you know that one night of madness I'd come and collapse in your mortuary? In a different mood I'd be laughing about it, as I'll laugh tomorrow with Albert. I'd remark casually and with a mocking air, So, Marie-Thérèse, is that how it was, did I haunt your nights? Tomorrow I'll have a good laugh with Albert. Provided I leave here unharmed, provided I can negotiate what comes next with intelligence. The pressure on his eyes has now spread right across his face. Adam approves the giant hand pressing down on his temples, the center of his forehead, his cheekbones. That the pain should abandon the fateful territory of his eyes is a victory in itself, he thinks. But why must my body sanction such a completely irrational anguish? In a different mood I wouldn't take a tragic view of an unfortunate development. But I'm not in a different mood. I'm in a mood to take a tragic view of any barrier to my peace of mind. Is it reasonable to blame someone for his mood? To Irene, who is constantly critical of all his ups and downs, he had declared, I see nothing in the constituent elements of a man more philosophical than his mood. What you call contradictions, Irene, are simply changes of perspective. I know I was the one, he'd said, who proposed Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue, thinking forty-eight hours with all four of us by the seaside, that's within the reach of any ordinary family, and I reproached you for doing the packing halfheartedly, I reproached you for not seeming happy to be going off with your husband and children to eat seafood on the Cotentin, I said if your family pisses you off you shouldn't have embarked on this adventure, I probably said it in less well chosen words, I no longer recall, I said when you have a family you have to accept the constraints. At Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue I didn't want to rent bicycles, I criticized the town, the sea, the people, the prices, I criticized the children's upbringing, everywhere I pulled a dour face, you said no one wanted this weekend, it was entirely your idea and you displayed such freakish energy in making it happen, you're the one that dragged us into this nightmare thanks to your sudden faith in harmony, your inexplicable and furious desire for harmony. Irene, at the moment when I'm saying let's go to Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue, I really believed that joy is possible in Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue, we've hardly gotten onto the staircase with the suitcases when I know no joy is possible in Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue or anywhere else, in the car I bounce back again. I create a good atmosphere, I deliver a lecture on the tides, I say we're going to see seagulls, I say we're going to collect seashells, which is, in fact, the last thing in the world that interests me, I could never give a damn about seashells, seashells never meant anything to me but I sincerely believe we can suddenly make friends with seashells, I sing old chart-toppers and put on funny voices to make people laugh, I buy a water pistol, which you disapprove of and you're right, the water pistol is a stupidity, and we stop talking and we're all unhappy in the car as it continues heading for God knows where. Maybe one day, Irene, I'll no longer believe that joy is possible in Saint-Vaast-la-Hougue or anywhere else, it'll be no to everything in advance, you'll no longer have to suffer from my moods, there'll be no more doomed departures. The sphinx Lyoc has stubbed out her cigarette. When Adam finally looks at her she's taken off her sneakers and stretched out her legs on the sofa. He still has the envelope and the pages of the letter in his hand. What does she expect? Why did she show him that letter? A woman who doesn't dare cross an empty boulevard with the other pedestrians. What's the significance of this silence and this somewhat languid posture? On top of the thrombosis, the Cotentin, the disaster of his book, did he need Marie-Thérèse Lyoc as a hetaera in Viry-Châtillon? She's left a blue night-light on in the kitchen. The way things are going, he thinks, trapped between the autopsy room and the darkness of the lake, I am being
called upon to respond to a fantasy from thirty years ago. Tomorrow Albert and I will laugh. For an instant the possibility of an embrace crosses his mind. He studies Marie-Thérèse for the first time and notes that, by the flickering light of the altar candle, doubtless enhanced by the oblique backlighting, she has the hint, he thinks, not of a mustache but a goatee. He notices the shoulders, towering above the Albertian bosom, abnormally vigorous shoulders. She's strong, he says to himself, she's a crusher. I must confess my thrombosis to her. The thrombosis is a valid reason for not going the whole hog. I'm afraid it's no good your hoping for me to be physically compliant and available, Marie — Thérèse…. What if she doesn't understand what I'm driving at? Or pretends not to understand? You can't go in like a bull at a gate. Women want preliminaries. They want to hear words, declarations, declarations of weakness if need be, of uncertainty, of impotence, any old declaration. You thought you were safe from life here in this hideaway in Viry. You didn't foresee life effecting an entry through who knows which door, and compelling you to negotiate, not some carnal and in any case physically impossible issue, nor the resultant humiliation to which you attach no importance, but a lurch toward pity. Pity, he thinks, directed just as much toward Marie-Thérèse as to himself, a funereal pity, reaching out toward the light, to objects, to the cold edges of the walls. A pity, he knows, which he could make use of right now, and which would in some sense be the only valid argument for writing, but which, failing a miracle, he will not, he believes, have either the time or the strength to exploit. It's all happening too late, he thinks. And it all comes down to the same thing. To have been Adam Haberberg or Marie-Thérèse Lyoc, the faces in black and white in the school yard at Suresnes, the faces now lying there on the table in a row, kept apart by everything in the old days, it all comes back to the same thing. Little by little, he thinks, what we took for reality proves to be an illusion, name, work, the future. Outside the window he hears the gulls crying. Cries from far away arriving to underline the unreal and aberrant silence that must, he thinks, be broken at all costs. How am I going to get home? A taxi? In Viry-Châtillon after dark? It would be better to fake an apoplectic fit and call an ambulance. But it's Marie-Thérèse who stirs. She gets up and walks around the low table. When she reaches him she seizes the pages of the letter and holds them to the candle flame. What on earth are you doing! cries Adam, getting up at once and grasping the pages to save them. Marie-Thérèse hangs on. Stop, Marie-Thérèse, it's idiotic! “What's it to you?” she says, pushing away Adam's hands and clinging firmly to the bundle. Adam fights back, drags at the paper and gathers up the torn fragments. It makes no sense, Marie-Thérèse! he implores, mesmerized by her frenzied action.