I can’t believe this is how my world works.
Bubbles cover her naked body but don’t hide her cheeks that burn bright red. Connor and Ryke stumble in behind me and then Connor swivels right back around. “Sorry.”
Ryke blocks the door so Connor can’t leave.
“Get out!” Lily yells at them.
I haven’t moved closer, but she is bathing in guilt. You don’t just shower and then fifteen minutes later hop into a bubble bath.
“No, stay,” I tell them.
I’ve chastised her about porn.
I’ve pleaded with her to be honest with me.
Obviously, I need to find different fucking methods to make her stop doing this shit. I don’t want to embarrass her, but how else is she going to stop?
Ryke spreads his arms in the doorway, sufficiently blocking Connor’s exit.
“Really?” Connor raises his brows.
Ryke shrugs, and Connor shields his eyes with his hand as he backs into the counter.
I keep my gaze on Lily.
She avoids me and the two guys. “Make them leave,” she says, looking anywhere but here. “I have to get changed. What time is it?” She acts like nothing’s wrong. Like she’s innocent in all of this.
“Why are you taking a bubble bath?” I ask, sitting on the porcelain ledge.
She shrinks back and begins descending, her chin disappearing beneath the suds. “I dropped my ring into the trash. And then after I fished it out, I smelled like our leftover sausage, which is not a pleasant stench. So I decided to take a bath, but I dozed off. Baths do that, you know. They’re like nap-whisperers or summoners or whatever.”
“Is the shower broken?”
She shakes her head. “You know that pink soap ball—I saw it on the counter just before I hopped in the shower. And curiosity just kind of overtook me. I was hoping it’d turn this thing pink.” She holds up her left hand, flashing the diamond. “But alas, soap chemicals are inferior to shiny rock.” Her eyes flicker nervously to Ryke who stares at her, unflinching. “This is awkward.”
“Not for me,” Ryke replies.
She points to Connor, who still covers his eyes. “You’re making Connor uncomfortable,” she tells me. “You have done the impossible.”
“I’m not uncomfortable, Lily,” Connor says. “I’m just not looking forward to the two hour lecture from your sister about female privacy.” But he must know what I’m trying to do because he stays here, and when he lowers his hand, he nods to me like I’m doing something right.
Lily pales a little, realizing Connor is not going anywhere. “Don’t you think you can give me more privacy if you went in the other room?”
“Believe me, you don’t want to know what I think right now.”
Her eyes flit around the room again. She knows she’s been caught, but she won’t admit it. Normally, I’d yell, maybe say a few encouraging words, and then dial Allison’s number so she could give Lily a proper lecture. But yelling does nothing, and Allison isn’t her therapist anymore.
I know what I have to do.
“You have an exam to get to,” I remind her. “So why don’t you finish what you started and then we’ll head on out.”
She blinks a couple times. “What-what are you talking about?”
“Finish up and then we’ll leave,” I repeat, unwilling to clarify. She has to admit it herself.
“I’m done, so can you hand me that towel?”
“You’re done?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you sure?”
“I don’t smell like garbage anymore, so I call it a bathing success.”
“Maybe you misunderstood me,” I say dryly. “Finish fucking yourself.” I’m angrier than I thought. In my head, I meant to say finish pleasing yourself but my mouth had a different agenda.
Her eyes bug in horror, and I refuse to back down. Stay strong. Be tough. She doesn’t need a hug or to be coddled anymore.
“Can I talk to you alone?” she asks, refusing to look at the two guys that make this situation really fucking uncomfortable. That’s the point though. This isn’t allowed to be easy for her.
“No,” I snap. “I know what you were doing. You know what you were doing. And Connor and Ryke do too. It’s not a fucking secret.”
Her nose dips below the water, and in seconds, she’s about to submerge to hide from us. I reach out, and put my hand underneath her arm, holding her upright to face her problem.
She stares dazedly at the bubbles and a part of me wants nothing more than to climb into the bath and pull her into my arms. To hug her and tell her that everything is going to be okay. But that’s how it begins. She self-medicates her sadness and anxiety with sex, and I let her do it too many times before. I have watched this girl fall into the cycle of addiction, and she’s jumping onto those tracks again.
“I can’t be around you twenty-four-seven,” I tell her. “You have to figure this out, Lil. You can’t masturbate.” How many times do I have to say the words for her to understand them? How many times did I have to hear no more booze to fully accept it? It never gets easier. This is going to be a long-term battle. And I’m prepared to be there for her every fucking step of the way. Even if she wants to drown in this water, I’m going to pull her back up until she’s healthy. Until she can stand on her own two feet.
“You don’t understand,” she starts.
“Lo,” Connor cuts in. “If we don’t leave soon, she’s going to be late for her test.”
I nod and then grab the black cotton towel off the rack. “Turn around,” I tell Ryke, since Connor has already shifted his view.
When Ryke faces the wall, Lily stands, and I wrap the towel around her. “Get dressed and talk,” I say roughly, reminding her I’m still mad.
I lead her into the bedroom and look back to Connor and Ryke. “Can you two check the bathroom for porn and toys?” I ask them. “Destroy the room if you have to.”
Ryke looks a little too excited to fuck with my shit.
I follow Lily into the walk-in closet. “What don’t I understand, Lil?” I ask as I kneel and push past her shoes, grabbing a large black metal case.
“It helps me. I just needed one minute. That’s it…” Her words trail as she slowly pulls on her underwear and bra. It’s hard not to look. Her frame has always been small and wiry, something I’m attracted to. But when she spins around to search for a pair of pants, I have a clear view of her bare back. Her shoulder blades jut out and her ribs are almost visible by her waist. She’s been losing weight again.
“Have you been forgetting to eat?” I ask. She used to do that a lot. Sex occupied her mind more than necessary things—like bathing and eating. If I didn’t force her to shower, she’d smell like sex for a whole week. It’s not that she doesn’t want to get fat. I think she’d prefer to be curvier. She just literally forgets.
She sidesteps to look at herself in the full-length mirror, and her face slowly falls. “Oh…” She tries to squeeze that inch of fat she was so proud she gained, but she can barely grab at the tight skin on her belly. “Shit.”
She avoids my gaze as she zips up her jeans.
“It’s not because I’m into self-love again, I promise,” she tells me. “I’ve ruined everything for everyone, and it’s the only thing that makes me feel better anymore. I don’t have any good distractions like you. I don’t have any morning runs, and I’m not about to start a company. School ends in a week, and I just need something for myself.”
“If you’re trying to convince me to let you masturbate, it’s not working,” I snap. “It’s not going to happen, Lil.” I stand to my feet, the black case in my hands. I bought it for her birthday last year. She used to keep all her toys in this worn Victoria’s Secret box. At the time, I thought it was a great present, now I’m ready to light it on fire.