“Maybe she didn't need saving, Sy, but needed to heal on her own,” Holly interrupts, taking a step toward me. “We all heal and grieve differently; each journey is unique, Sy, and sometimes along the way, we hurt the ones we love—the ones who love us. If you left when you could no longer help her then it doesn't mean you failed. It means you just couldn't hold on anymore. You had to save yourself, too, Sy. You had to heal, too.” Her hand reaches out and takes mine, leading me back to my room.
I don't fight it; the comfort of her touch makes it too hard to pull away. She walks me to the bed without a word and sits down on the edge, pulling me to sit down next to her.
She's right. I had to heal, too.
“Sy, someone once told me giving up is self-defeat, while letting go is self-care. There was nothing more you could have done. You did everything you could to help Katie. You can't tell her how to grieve, or how to live. It isn't your decision. She had to decide what her life should look like, and so did you.”
“Fuck, I love you, Holly.” I pull her to me and fall back, taking her with me. The words she just gave me are the most honest words anyone has spoken to me. “I don't deserve you.”
I kiss her, because if I don't, my emotions will overcome me.
“Don't say that, ever.” Her hand takes my jaw, making me look at her.
“No, Holly. You are a promise I never thought I would ever get again, a promise that there is goodness and light.” I watch as slow tears fall from her eyes. “Don't cry, baby.” I turn and cover her body, placing my arms on either side of her head to take my weight.
“Go see her. Let it all go,” she encourages, looking up at me with hope and faith. Something I haven't seen in such a long time staring back at me.
“Let me think about it,” I tell her, not ready to commit to anything. My heart and my head still arguing with each other in fear of what I may find, but the desperate need to feel free is strong.
“I love you,” she whispers, letting it go, giving me her light. If I hadn't already known what unconditional love looked like, I’d be staring at it for the first time.
“I love you, baby.”
***
Shit, can I do this? I look up at the ivory, two-story, brick home.
Two weeks ago when I held Holly in my arms that night and admitted I didn't need to feel guilty for walking away, I made a vow to myself that I would see this out, one way or another. I knew I had to come here, had to talk to Katie, but as I stand at the front of my ex-wife’s house, I want to take it all back. It's been a battle, and one I don't know what the outcome will be, but I know Holly is right. I had to save myself, and I can't be held accountable for that. It’s just taken me two weeks to see it. When I finally made peace, I made a call to Katie’s parents. To say they were shocked to hear from me would be an understatement. I don’t think they were ever expecting to hear from me again, and I didn't expect to get through on their old number. After catching up with them for a few minutes, I asked for her address and hung up. I didn’t ask how she was or what she was doing. I didn’t want to be swayed. I needed to do this regardless of what I would find.
“Sylas?” Katie asks, opening the door before I can knock.
“Hey,” I greet her awkwardly, not expecting her to open the door so suddenly. She looks good, really good. Her long, blonde hair now rests on her shoulders, totally throwing me off for a minute.
“Wow, I’m shocked you’re here,” she says, shaking her head, looking as affected as I feel. “Did you want to come in?” she smiles and I’m thrown head first into the deep end of our past.
“Momma?” A small girl comes running up and attaches herself to her leg. And it’s like a sucker punch. Her small face looks up and all time stops. Keira? My body recoils. No, it’s not Keira. Fuck.
“I shouldn’t have come.” I turn, leaving her standing in the open doorway. I need to get out of here. I don’t know what I was expecting when I came here, but seeing Katie with a daughter was not one of them.
“Sylas, wait,” she calls after me. “Wait,” she pleads again, so I stop. I stop and wait to see if the shock of seeing that little girl leaves me. It doesn’t.
“I really shouldn’t have come,” I say again.
“Well, why did you?” she asks.
“I needed to see how you were doing. To let go maybe?” I admit.
“You haven’t let go?” she asks, shocked.
“I thought I had, but I think this was my final step.”
She nods, watching me carefully. “Please come in. We can talk,” she offers gently.
“I don’t know if I can. She…” I point back to the house, back to her daughter.
“She looks like her, doesn’t she?”
“Jesus, I thought I was dreaming it.” I let out a shaky breath.
“Try living with it.” She smiles but it’s not a sad smile. “Some days it’s hard. Other days it’s amazing.”
I nod, not understanding it, but I don’t tell her that. “So, you’re married?” I ask, spying the wedding band on her left ring finger.
“Yeah, last year,” she smiles. “He’s inside. I know he’d like to meet you.”
“He knows about me?” I think I almost choke.
“Of course. He knows everything, Sy,” she replies. “Please come in. I’ll ask Derrick to take Sienna to the park.” She waits for me to confirm, but I can’t.
“Maybe we could go to Keira?” I suggest, not feeling so sure about meeting Katie’s family, sitting in her home.
“Sure, let me get my keys and I’ll meet you there?”
“Yep,” I say, turning to get on my bike. I think I can handle this talk if I'm away from here, away from the family she's moved on with.
“Sylas?”
“Yeah?” I turn back when she calls my name.
“Thank you for coming.”
***
“So, what have you been doing with yourself?” Katie asks fifteen minutes later as we sit at our daughter’s grave.
“Still tattooing. I have my own shop back in Rushford.”
“So, you did end up going back home?” she smiles, no doubt remembering my vow that I would never go back.
“Yeah, when Pops got sick, I went back and didn’t leave.”
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you.”
“It’s okay,” I say, not wanting to talk about it.
“So why are we here, Sy?” She asks the million-dollar question.
“I don’t know, just trying to deal with a few things that have come up.” I fill her in, without telling her about Holly or the baby.
“I get it. It’s been a tough road to recovery, at least for me anyway.” She sits back, looking up at the sky. This woman sitting across from me is not the woman I left two years ago and if I’m being honest, not even the same woman I fell in love with. There's something about her that wasn't there before. I just don't know what.
“I’m sorry, Katie, but I have to say I wasn’t expecting this, all of this,” I admit, scanning her up and down, blown away with how well she’s doing.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Sy. I understand. Things were bad. Really bad, and I fucked up. I know that. I pushed everyone away in my suffering and for that I'm eternally sorry. What I did to you, to us…” She shakes her head. “I remember the day you rode off, leaving me standing over there.” She points to where my bike now sits. “I knew I lost you forever that day; even when I was desperately trying to push you away. I don’t know why you walking away from me made me realize how fucked-up I was, but it did. You should have hated me, but you still loved me even when I deserved your anger.”
“I wanted to hate you. All those years, fuck, it would have been easier, but I couldn’t because you gave me Kiera,” I admit.
“Then I took her away,” she whispers, looking up at me carefully.
“I never needed a piece of paper to tell me she was mine, Katie.”