He moved aside for Gryffin, who kissed Oliver’s forehead, “Ours was a happy childhood because of you, Dad, and we’re happy men because you showed us how to be. Thank you for all the laughs. I’ll keep you always. In my heart and thoughts. I’ll never forget all you taught me.”
Oliver didn’t open his eyes. I am sure that he was not able. “Thank you,” He barely whispered, “For being my sons.”
“We love you, Dad,” Warren’s voice broke.
“No words, Renny. I already know.” He drew a rattling breath, “I love you both. I’m just so, so tired. I just want to sleep.”
“Do that then,” Gryffin took a step back, “Go to sleep now. We’ll see you again. In time, Dad. We’ll see you again in time.”
If Oliver heard him he made no response.
After they left the cabin, my sons stood out in the front lawn for a long time with their arms around each other’s shoulders and their foreheads pressed together. When they had finally collected themselves, Gryffin did what I asked and he took his brother home.
Natalie appeared with Mickey about an hour later. She was checking on us all, making sure that we were managing. She’d brought over a shepherd’s pie and bottles of cold water. “A late supper is better than not eating at all,” She kissed Lucy on the cheek, “I know none of you are much up for cooking, Mummy.”
“You’re so sweet,” Lucy whispered, “Your dad is in with Oliver. Go say hello. They’ll both be happy to see you.”
“Is Ollie awake?”
“He’s in and out. Go. He’ll know you’re there.”
Natalie sat with Alexander at Oliver’s bedside for a while, her arm wrapped in her father’s. Alexander stared at his brother and patted his daughter’s hand.
“Nattie?” Oliver woke after a time.
“Hi, Ollie,” She bent beside the bed and kissed his cheek. He opened his hand and caught hers. He whispered something I couldn’t hear and Natalie laughed while drawing back her tears.
“Thank you, I will,” She smiled down at him, “I promise.”
He held her hand for a moment longer before the medicine took over and he let her go.
“Will you three be OK, Auntie Sil?” She whispered to me later as she prepared to leave, “Should Mickey and I stay?”
“No, Nattie Muffin,” I had to smile at her. It was impossible not to. Even in her late fifties Natalie still kept the innocent, doll-like face she’d always possessed. “You two go home.”
“It’s not a problem.”
“Nattie, please. Go home and sleep in your bed with your husband.”
She got my meaning.
Annie and Bess called afterward, intending on coming by, and spoke to their mother, who told them as well that there was no reason for them to look after us. After Lucy hung up, the cabin was silent. It was just a nurse, Alex, Lucy and I who remained. None of us spoke a word.
Oliver refused to die. I could hear murmurs coming from the bedroom. Every so often he’d respond to them, but I couldn’t understand what he said. I knew he was with the Lord and the Lady. I wished I understood what words they spoke and I hoped that the Lady had some magic to comfort him the way she had me when she had asked the winds to make me sleep. I hoped that she could help him find freedom from his pain because I could not.
Lucy sat alone with Oliver for a long time while Alexander and I lingered together in agony in the front room. It was about an hour before he stood, “I’ve got to talk to him,” His voice was desperate, “He has to listen to me now. Someone has to get through to him.” I watched Alexander walk to the bedroom and I heard him ask Lucy to give him time with his brother.
Lucy and I stood in the hallway and held each other close as he began to speak.
“Oliver, I’m glad you’re awake. Listen, I need to tell you some things. Mind, I’ve always told you what I’m thinking, so I’m not stopping now just because you’re sick. Listen to me now. It’s important. You were the oldest by thirteen minutes. You were always the first, always faster, always a little bit bigger and better than me. Truth is I looked up to you. We all did. You were the bravest of anybody we knew. I hid in your shadow so often, Brawd. I don’t think you even knew it. I always felt as long as I had you somewhere close I was safe. I’ve always known that somebody would be on my side no matter what because I had you for my brother. ” He was speaking quickly, leaning over the bed, “I need to tell you some things, so all that’s never been said is said. You never let me down. I’ve always been proud to be your twin. It took me a long time to step out of your shadow and figure out who I was. Even then I wished I was more like you. You’ve got a rotten streak in you, but you’ve always been kind. I get angry and I do and say things I might not mean, but you…you only say what you mean and even when it’s nasty it’s fair. You did more good things in your life than I can count or probably even know about.” Alexander’s voice was losing its resolve, “Who knows how many children might have suffered or even died if you hadn’t been their doctor. And you with all of our kids…you were amazing to watch. I still admire you.”
He pulled the chair close to the side of the bed and sat, “As we got older, I hoped it would be me who died first. I’m afraid, Oliver. I’m so selfish, really. There you are wasting away and I keep thinking that I’ve never been without my brother. Eighty-five years and I’ve never had my own birthday. I don’t want to start now, either. My God, Ollie, I’ve never even had my own face! I’ll be the only one who looks like me. And then I think what will I do without my brother? Where will I hide? Who will back me up when I bite off more than I can chew? Who is Alexander without Oliver? I don’t know the answers. I’m truly afraid. I feel like half of me is being cleaved off. I love you, Oliver,” His voice broke, “And I don’t want to say what I’m going to, but it must be said…” Alex took a deep breath before he spoke again, “You’re dying and there’s nothing any one of us can do to help you anymore. We watch you fight it and you’re very brave, but…there comes a time when you have to let it go. You don’t have to be strong anymore. This is bigger than you. You can’t beat it and you don’t have to suffer on our account…” He was sobbing now, “I don’t know why it’s you and not me, but you need to go, Brother. You need to go. God, how I will miss you, but, please…”
Oliver spoke, but I could not make out a word he said. Alexander nodded, “I know you do. No, Oliver, you’ve no reason to be sorry! Lucy will be fine. She’s sad. We’re all sad…what? I promise. I promise I will.” Oliver gurgled something else, “OK. I’ll tell her. I promise, Big Brother.” Alex’s voice broke, “Oliver, it’s OK. Please don’t hurt anymore. I can’t watch you go through this anymore. It’s OK to die now. I swear it is. I will take care of her. I’ll look after Silvia. I promise.”
I allowed him sit with his head on his brother’s shoulder for a long time before I let my sister go and walked into the room. I put my hand against the back of Alexander’s head and gently stroked his hair, “May I speak to him now?”
Alex stood and moved the chair aside so I could lie on the bed I shared for so many years with Oliver. Lucy came in and put her arms around her husband. She took him into the front room, but he could hardly walk. She held him up all the way until the nurse offered him her arm.
After listening to Alex, something had clicked in my mind. That something was that Oliver was not going because of me. When he had promised so many years ago that he’d never leave me alone, we had just been children. Forever had a completely different meaning then. We certainly were not children anymore. It was time for me to release him from that bond. Oliver needed my permission to die.
I put my face close to his and laid my arm across his chest. What I said was the hardest thing I have ever had to say, “He’s right, Sweetheart,” I whispered into his ear, “It’s OK. You can leave me now. Alexander and I will take care of each other. I won’t be alone. We’ll be fine.” I wove my fingers through his, “I don’t want you to die, but I do understand that you don’t have a choice. You’re not breaking any promises. Don’t suffer for me, Oliver. I would never ask you to. If you’re still afraid, I’ll stay here with you just like this until you’ve left. I’ll hold you forever if you need me to. It’s all right now. I’ll love you still even more when you’re gone. It’s part of the magic, remember?”