“None of us could.”
“I never thought it would be him,” She put her hand over her mouth and spoke through her fingers, “Of all of us, he was the most cheerful. He was so alive. How could he have gotten so sick like that and left us alone?”
I put my arms around my sister. I could feel her begin to tremble, “Lucy,” I said softly, “Please don’t cry. If you do, I’ll start up. I think I’ll die if I cry any more. I can’t cry anymore…”
“I can’t believe he’s gone!” She wailed, “Oh, Silvia! I can’t believe he’s really gone! I miss him so much! I can’t believe I’ll never see him again! It’s like it’s not real! It’s a bad dream and I want to wake up! Please, God! Please, wake me up!”
“I wish I could wake us both up!” I swore.
“I’m so sorry, Sil! I’m so sorry! I want him back! I want my brother back! I couldn’t help him! I want him back! Damn it!” She stomped her foot against the ground, “I’m so goddamned sorry that I couldn’t help him! Oliver!” She shouted to the sky, “Oliver! I’m sorry! I’m so, so, so sorry…Oh, God! Please! Come back! I want to help you! Please!”
“No, no,” I rocked my sister in my arms, “We all want him back, but we can’t have him. Can we?” My heart ached so bad I was sure it was splitting apart, “Lucy, we’re all in a nightmare and no one can wake up. But you’re here. I’m here. Alex is here. We still have each other, Sissy. We still have each other. Oliver doesn’t need us to take care of him anymore. We have each other to take care of. That’s what he wanted! That’s what matters! Not what we couldn’t do for him then, but what we can do for each other now.” I smoothed her hair the way Oliver always did mine, “You’re here, Lucy. I love you, Alexander loves you. That’s what matters now. Oliver’s all right. I can feel him, I swear it! He’s all right and he wants you to be all right, too.”
“I’ll be fine,” She assured me through her tears, “It’s my husband I’m worried about! I need you to help me take care of him, Silvia! Please, help me keep him alive! I can’t imagine living without him! I know you just lost your husband, but I can’t lose mine, too! He needs you! Please, Silvia, please! Help me make sure Alexander doesn’t die, too!”
“I promise, Lu! I promise I will keep him alive. We both will, won’t we? We won’t let him go! We won’t! I swear it!”
It was the only time Lucy allowed herself the luxury of losing her composure. She never did in front of Alexander. It would have killed him to see her fall apart and she knew it.
The children were always coming around to check on us after Oliver left. The morning he died, however, Alexander, Lucy and I followed the medics out into the garden as they carried Oliver’s body to the van to be taken away. When they had gone, we sat together on the front stoop. None of us called any of the children. None of us said a thing. We just sobbed and held each other, three old farts sitting on a stoop with snot rolling down our faces.
Finally, knowing that someone was bound to arrive soon, I called Nigel and told him that Oliver had gone away.
“We’re all together,” He told me, “Having breakfast. Gryffin knows. You know how he is about knowing things. He told me earlier, but he doesn’t want to say anything until everyone’s had a bite. But I’ll tell him,” He paused, “And when we’re through I’ll tell the rest. You tell me. Are you all right, Sil?”
“No,” I answered honestly, “But don’t you dare repeat that.”
“Is my dad all right then?”
“He’s worse than me, but your mum and I are keeping him in an upright position. Take your time getting here, all of you. Be safe.”
“We will. We’ll see you soon.”
“Nigel?”
“Yes?”
“I love you. I don’t think I’ve told you for a long time.”
“I love you, too, Auntie Sil. You don’t ever have to tell me. I remember all the time.”
We had a memorial service for Oliver on a Friday. We did it at his parent’s house since there was more room there than anywhere else and Warren and Gwen had insisted. I wondered how quickly they had regretted it when the house became so crowded that a line had to form out in the garden that lead well past the fence. As Oliver had wished, two days earlier he had been turned to ash and sat in a beautiful blue urn, lovingly placed on his old lab jacket, and set in the centre of Warren’s grand piano.
The tears flowed freely. The laughter rang out. We shared stories with loved ones and stories with strangers. Adults who had once been Oliver’s patients as children told me how they remembered his kindness, how he’d helped them when they were helpless and hurting. Friends of our children, now with their grandchildren, stopped by to offer their support and condolences. Connor Stewart and his wife had tea with Carolena and Steffen. I sat with Lucy and Alexander in the sitting room, too sad and exhausted to entertain anyone or even to be receptive to their kindness. Someone brought us tea and sandwiches, but I couldn’t eat. I just stared at the photos on the tables and thought about how many times Oliver and I had gone into that room when we were young to snog where no one could see us. I was remembering a particular incident where we’d been going at it with such abandon that we’d fallen off a chair and broken his mother’s lamp when a voice cut through my thoughts.
“Silvia?”
I turned my head to see a man I didn’t recognize. Too thin, skin as white as his hair, he stood smiling at me from a few steps away. I blinked, trying to place him, but I had no idea. “Hello,” I smiled, not knowing what else I might have said.
“You look wonderful!” The man exclaimed, “Where is Alexander?”
“I…I don’t know,” I honestly had not noticed that Alex had left the room.
“I’m sorry about Oliver. I just heard the news last night. Karenna tracked me down and let me know. Such a shame. He was a good man. I have the fondest memories of him.”
“We’re all getting older,” I said as matter of fact as I could manage, still wondering who he was when Alexander came in from the other side of the room.
“I’ll be damned!” He nearly shouted, a smile spreading across his stony face, “Joshua McGuigan! How the hell are you, Mate?”
“Josh!” I screamed. I got up from that chair more quickly than I’d moved in ages. I threw my arms around the old goat and hugged him tight, “Oh, Josh! Do you have any idea what it means to Oliver and me that you’re here?”
How wonderful it was to see him, even under such horrible circumstances. We sat and talked for ages. After graduation he’d gone on to university in the States where he’d met and married and American girl. They’d lived in the Mid-West until he convinced her it was time to give Wales a go. He was home, he said, to finish out his days. He wished that he’d looked us all up sooner, he was so sorry that he‘d missed Oliver, but he was so thankful that he’d had the chance at least to see Alex and me.
None of us promised to see each other again when he left that evening. We just hugged again in the front garden and wished each other well. That was fine with all of us. We’d seen each other once more if never again, and that meeting we’d keep with us forever.