Melanie answered their questions patiently, though her heart was still jumping in her chest, and she kept glancing at Sean, as if for guidance. But Sean was sullen, distant, withdrawn into some corner of himself — the gun was an embarrassment, the man had knocked him down, he’d been involved in an ordinary altercation with an ordinary bum, and the railway killer had already given himself up. She saw the lines in his face, saw the way his lower lip pushed his chin down into the soft flesh beneath it. Theory couldn’t help here. Theory deconstructs, theory has no purpose, no point, no overview or consolation — it was a kind of intellectual masturbation. If she hadn’t known it before, she knew it now.
The police thanked them, tried on the briefest of smiles, and then Sean showed them to the door and Melanie got up from the couch with the vague idea of making herself a cup of herbal tea to help her unwind. Just as the door closed, she called Sean’s name aloud, and she almost said it, almost said, “Sean, there’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you,” but there was no use in that now.
Sean turned away from the door, shoulders slumped, the corners of his mouth drawn down. After the skirmish on the lawn, he’d shrugged into a pair of jeans and the first shirt he could find — a Hawaiian print, festive with palm fronds and miniature pineapples — and she saw that he’d misbuttoned it. He looked hopeless. He looked lost in his own living room.
She held that picture of him, and then she was thinking, unaccountably, of another captive of the Sioux, a young woman taken from her husband to be bride to a chief, the business settled in the smoke and confusion of a desperate fight, her daughter crying out over the cacophony of shouts and curses and the rolling thunder of a hundred rifles firing at once. Months later, fleeing with her captors after a loss in battle, she watched a brave from another party come up to them on his pony, in full regalia, trailing the shawl she’d knitted for her daughter and a tiny shrunken scalp with the hair — the blond shining hair — still attached.
Achates McNeil
My father is a writer. A pretty well-known one too. You’d recognize the name if I mentioned it, but I won’t mention it, I’m tired of mentioning it — every time I mention it I feel as if I’m suffocating, as if I’m in a burrow deep in the ground and all these fine grains of dirt are raining down on me. We studied him in school, in the tenth grade, a story of his in one of those all-purpose anthologies that dislocate your wrists and throw out your back just to lift them from the table, and then again this year, my freshman year, in college. I got into a Contemporary American Lit class second semester and they were doing two of his novels, along with a three-page list of novels and collections by his contemporaries, and I knew some of them too — or at least I’d seen them at the house. I kept my mouth shut though, especially after the professor, this blond poet in her thirties who once wrote a novel about a nymphomaniac pastry maker, made a joke the first day when she came to my name in the register.
“Achates McNeil,” she called out.
“Here,” I said, feeling hot and cold all over, as if I’d gone from a sauna into a snowbank and back again. I knew what was coming; I’d been through it before.
She paused, looking up from her list to gaze out the window on the frozen wastes of the campus in the frozen skullcap of New York State, and then came back to me and held my eyes a minute. “You wouldn’t happen by any chance to be a relation of anybody on our reading list, would you?”
I sat cramped in the hard wooden seat, thinking about the faceless legions who’d sat there before me, people who’d squirmed over exams and unfeeling professorial remarks and then gone on to become plastic surgeons, gas station attendants, insurance salesmen, bums and corpses. “No,” I said. “I don’t think so.”
She gave me a mysterious little smile. “I was thinking of Teresa Golub or maybe Irving Thalamus?” It was a joke. One or two of the literary cretins in back gave it a nervous snort and chuckle, and I began to wonder, not for the first time, if I was really cut out for academic life. This got me thinking about the various careers available to me as a college dropout — rock and roller, chairman of the board, center for the New York Knicks — and I missed the next couple of names, coming back to the world as the name Victoria Roethke descended on the room and hung in the air like the aftershock of a detonation in the upper atmosphere.
She was sitting two rows up from me, and all I could see was her hair, draped in a Medusan snarl of wild demi-dreadlocks over everything within a three-foot radius. Her hair was red — red as in pink rather than carrot-top — and it tended to be darker on the ends but running to the color of the stuff they line Easter baskets with up close to her scalp. She didn’t say here or present or yes or even nod her amazing head. She just cleared her throat and announced, “He was my grandfather.”
I stopped her in the hallway after class and saw that she had all the usual equipment as well as a nose ring and two eyes the color of the cardboard stiffeners you get as a consolation prize when you have to buy a new shirt. “Are you really—?” I began, thinking we had a lot in common, thinking we could commiserate, drown our sorrows together, have sex, whatever, but before I could finish the question, she said, “No, not really.”
“You mean you—?”
“That’s right.”
I gave her a look of naked admiration. And she was looking at me, sly and composed, looking right into my eyes. “But aren’t you afraid you’re going to be on Professor What’s-Her-Face’s shitlist when she finds out?” I said finally.
Victoria was still looking right into me. She fiddled with her hair, touched her nose ring and gave it a quick squeeze with a nervous flutter of her fingers. Her fingernails, I saw, were painted black. “Who’s going to tell her?” she said.
We were complicitous. Instantly. Half a beat later she asked me if I wanted to buy her a cup of ramen noodles in the Student Union, and I said yeah, I did, as if it was something I had any choice about.
We ran through a crust of dead snow in a stiff wind and temperatures that hadn’t risen above minus ten in the past two weeks, and there were a lot of people running with us, a whole thundering herd — up here everybody ran everywhere; it was a question of survival.
In the Union she shook out her hair, and five minutes after we’d found a table in the corner and poured the hot water into the styrofoam containers of dehydrated mystery food I could still smell the cold she’d trapped there. Otherwise I smelled the multilayered festering odors of the place, generic to college cafeterias worldwide: coffee, twice-worn underwear, cream of tomato soup. If they enclosed the place in plastic and sealed it like a tomb, it’d smell the same two thousand years from now. I’d never been in the kitchen, but I remembered the kitchen from elementary school, with its big aluminum pots and microwave ovens and all the rest, and pictured them back there now, the cafeteria ladies with their dyed hair and their miserable small-town loutish-husband lives, boiling up big cauldrons of cream of tomato soup. Victoria’s nose was white from the cold, but right where the nose ring plunged in, over the flange of her left nostril, there was a spot of flesh as pink as the ends of her hair.