What’s the point of rereading all that stuff? I wondered. What use can it be? Nonetheless I carried on, avidly plowing through the heavy tome.
To launch the ancient Trojan Wars
They offered up Iphigenia
For the sake of our great cause
I’ll carry my darling to the pyre
Had I invented this verse while wandering like a lost soul around the apartment after I’d put the book back in its place on the shelf, or had I fished it out from a long-sunken memory of something I’d read years before? True sadness often makes me feel sluggish and slow. And that’s how I felt then — drowsy, and unable to make things out. For instance, I was quite incapable of putting a name to the author of the poem. Nor was I up to deciding whether it was I or Suzana’s father who was performing the sacrifice. Sometimes it seemed to be me and sometimes him; more likely, it was the two of us in tandem.
The noise from outside had subsided. The street must have emptied. The masses that were going to form the parade had already assembled in the starting area. But this deafening silence was just as hostile and burdensome as the earlier commotion had been. It was a constant reminder that my place was down there amid the festive pandemonium, and not up here all on my own.
Half past eight had come and gone. I could no longer pretend that there was any chance of Suzana turning up. She had always been punctual. I almost regretted her having a quality for which I had so often been thankful, since it now destroyed my last shred of hope. To begin with, I tried to rationalize: being five minutes late is a woman’s privilege, even if Suzana had renounced it voluntarily. So I strove to find other reasons for making allowances — traffic jams are so common on celebration days — but instead of mitigating the torture of waiting, the explanations only made it worse. Then came the second set of five minutes, which was even gloomier than the first. Several times I found myself about to go out through the front door.
I decided to wait until a quarter to nine, and then leave for the grandstand, so as not to lose out on both fronts at once. The fear of what might happen if my absence were noticed had up to that point been overshadowed by waiting for her to come, which itself would have given me the strength to wriggle my way out of trouble. (I lost my way. . The police closed the road earlier than I expected, and so on.) If only she had come. . Whereas now that I had lost her anyway, I had no reason to make things more difficult for myself by not showing up at the parade. Apart from which, I had a good chance of seeing her there, on the grandstand or right next to it, where the offspring of the elite were normally placed.
That last thought finally overcame my hesitation. At five to nine I opened the front door and set off.
There was no one on the stairs, and barely any passersby on the street outside. I felt relieved, initially, perhaps because of all the open space. I looked up, as if drawn by the magnetic force of someone else’s eyes. Our neighbor was on his balcony, looking as sickly as ever, staring down at the street. I took a step to the side so as to get out of his line of sight. He was reputed to have laughed out loud on the day Stalin died, which brought his career as a brilliant young scientist to a shuddering halt. Many years had passed, of course, but if I remember rightly, a mask of supplication had remained frozen on his face ever since. He couldn’t be the only person to have chuckled or laughed among the crowds at the funeral marches that were held that day — for no reason at all, or just for a second, or because their laughter-reflex mechanism had been disturbed, as often happens in such circumstances, but all explanations of such kind were systematically rejected. Every one of them was punished without mercy. Now, many years later, they were still easily identifiable by the wistful appearance they were condemned to wear for the rest of their lives to atone for having once laughed out loud.
You’d better spend your time thinking about the way you look! I told myself. My face was probably just as pained as my neighbor’s.
As if fearing that my glumness might attract attention, I took the invitation card out of my pocket and pretended to be studying the verso side, which gave details of how to get into the stands.
Some of the people still in the street must have been in possession of invitations just like mine. You could tell who they were, not only because they were dressed to the nines, but from their attitudes, their postures, and their beaming faces. These features distinguished cardholders quite clearly from other pedestrians who had come down into the street in the hope of finding a spot where they could see the parade, or who had got separated from their delegations and were wandering around looking guilty.
Barricade Street, which runs parallel to the Grand Boulevard, was packed with people. A brass band could be heard thumping away in the distance, probably in the square where the stands had been put up. Each time I heard the beat, I walked a little faster, even though it wasn’t quite nine o’clock yet and I had no real reason to hurry.
Cardholders were still mixed with other people in the street, but it wasn’t long before a filtering device came into view. At the top of Elbasan Road, one of the sidewalks was open to all, but the other side, the right-hand side, was reserved for invitation-card holders only. The real checkpoint was presumably farther down — this was only a preliminary screening. All the same, most of those invited were happy to be separated henceforth from other people, who looked back at them, goggle-eyed.
I continued walking along the left-hand sidewalk, and was just speculating that Suzana would perhaps be in the CM stand, where I had my seat, when I bumped into Leka B.
I hadn’t seen him for years. Sprightly and beaming (though his smile was distinct from the one that seemed to radiate from the little red flags of the day), he gave me a hug and a kiss on each cheek. To be honest, I couldn’t think why he was so happy to see me again. We’d been pals years before, when I was a law student and he was enrolled at the School of Fine Arts, but not so close that long absence would make either of us miss the other very much.
“How are things?” he asked. “Do you like being a journalist? Lights, cameras, action — the cutting edge, eh?”
“How about you?” I responded. “Still at N?”
“Ah, let’s talk about something else!” he said in the same playful tone. “I’ve not been doing too well. Actually, it wasn’t so bad down there, but I did something stupid and got transferred to running amateur theatricals in the sticks.” “Really?”
“Word of honor! I put on a play that turned out to contain no less than thirty-two ideological errors! Can you imagine? Well, that’s all ancient history now, and when all’s said and done I suppose I got off rather lightly.“
My expression must have been hovering between amazement and disbelief, because he added: “You think I’m joking, but I’m telling you the plain truth, honestly.”
And he went on in a lighthearted tone entirely devoid of self-pity or spite about his famous thirty-two ideological errors. It was as if he were delighted with the whole business and held it in secret admiration — though you couldn’t tell whether what he admired were the people who had had sufficient wisdom and patience to pick out each one of his errors, or himself, as a man who had not committed a trivial blunder or a mere peccadillo, but had engineered a disaster of such magnitude, or else both at the same time.