“You’re all sinners and Jesus wants you to burn in Hell!” he shouted.
“Aliens should all die!” someone else shared. This opened the floodgates as the usual anti-gay, anti-woman, anti-alien, anti-Jew, anti-black, anti-everything slogans were tossed at us.
Francine and I were back-to-back, me facing the cemetery’s entrance and her facing the street and most of the crowd. She began to calmly start reciting the speech Raj had written for all the troubadours. It was all about how America was the land of opportunity, how refugees from the world and the galaxy over came to it as a haven, how America’s people were accepting and loving, how the country was founded on tolerance.
Couldn’t have proved this last part by anyone nearby, but it was still a good, touching little speech, appealing to everyone’s better instincts. If the Asshat Church and Club 51 members had better instincts, which I wasn’t currently prepared to say they did.
Francine’s speech was also having no effect on the man in front of me. Not that I’d expected it to.
“God has served justice on your sinful evil,” he said. “You all need to die and burn in Hell for the evil you’ve done.”
“I’ve talked to gods, and they don’t like you much.”
This earned me some gasps of horror as a tall man in a business suit joined us. He looked nothing like either Leventhal Reid or Howard Taft—he was average size for his height, normal looking, not ugly but not gorgeous, either. But I recognized Reid and Taft in him—there was something about the crazy in his eyes when he looked at Francine and the limos. “I told you, Mister Pecker,” he said.
And there was also something familiar about his voice.
“You’re aptly named, I can say that. So, who’s the head of Club Fifty-One here?” They stared at me, mouths open in shock. “Yeah, I know, how ever did a little Jewish gay-loving and alien-loving girl figure out who this other dude was all by her lonesome? Hard to believe, isn’t it? So, since we’re now face-to-face while you’re threatening me, what’s your name? As a warning, if your name’s Crotch I’m going to spend the next five minutes laughing my ass off.”
He flushed. “My name is one you should learn and tremble before. I’m Harvey Gutermuth.”
“Harvey Guttermouth? Wow, that totally fits. Oh, and in case you forgot, we’re only supposed to tremble before the Lord. And both of you are definitely not him. Tell you what, you let the cars through, I’ll listen to your crap for a while, how about that? So no one gets hurt and all that. And by no one I mean your sad, pathetic, misled followers.”
Pecker looked apoplectic—eyes bugged out, face red. Surely someone else had mouthed off to this loser before now, so why I was having this effect I couldn’t guess. Just lucky, apparently. Or he had bad gas. Gave it even odds either way.
Pecker opened his mouth, no doubt to blast me with more of his screed.
But Gutermuth put his hand on Pecker’s shoulder. “Don’t waste words on these, my friend. There’s only one way to rid the world of this scourge.” He smiled at me, and it was definitely one of those Evil Bad Guy Smiles. He looked around and nodded. Several people with “Kill the Aliens” signs shoved closer.
Which boded.
CHAPTER 96
BEFORE I COULD DECIDE if it was time for me to admit defeat and call in the National Guard—who were literally waiting inside at the Iwo Jima Memorial, because Mom had insisted on one more concession—a group of kids in their late teens or early twenties shoved through the crowd.
“Get away from them!” one of the boys shouted. “They need us here!” he shouted to someone over his shoulder.
One of the girls shoved between me and Pecker and Gutermuth and stood between us in a protective stance, her back to me. I was officially shocked. By the looks on the men’s faces, so were they.
“Leave these people alone! You can threaten us, but we’re going to make sure they get inside and we’re also going to make sure that none of you do.”
I put my hand on her shoulder and backed her up just a bit. “They’re not above hitting a girl. FYI.”
“I’m not above kicking them in the balls, either.” She smiled at me over her shoulder. “No, you don’t know me, or any of the rest of us. You haven’t saved our lives, unless you count when all of you stopped the alien invasion, and we do. The call went out—you aren’t here alone.”
The kids who’d come with her went behind Pecker and Gutermuth and linked arms. Francine nudged me. “I’m going to join them.” She walked over and linked up. Then she started her speech again, the kids next to her nodding along and chiming in.
I was about to mention that though the effort was sweet and very well-intentioned, eight college students weren’t going to stop this mob. But before I could, more people shoved through the protestors. Most of them were college aged, but certainly not all. I could definitely spot family groups, too. They didn’t say anything, just linked up with the others and started spreading out.
In a rather short time we had a full-on human chain up against the foliage that was the “wall” around Arlington. Once the line was set, the girl who’d been protecting me shouted some orders and she, along with a few more people, created two more chains from the middle of the entrance.
They spread toward the street, then moved as a chain to opposite sides, shoving the protestors out of the way of the cemetery’s entrance. It was like watching a non-uniform marching band. And yet there was no way these people had practiced—it was clear that most of them didn’t know each other.
Pecker and Gutermuth had managed to avoid the human chain, however, and were blocking the entrance.
I was sure Len was ready to run them down, not that I could blame him. However, that wasn’t what the good guys did. I went to the two men. “I’ll give you a choice. You can move and let all our cars through without issue, or I’ll make you move. The former will allow you some dignity—but I promise that the latter won’t.”
“We will never move for the likes of you,” Pecker bellowed.
“Aliens are beneath us,” Gutermuth chimed in. “We will never do as you ask.”
“Okey dokey. The No Dignity For You option it is.”
One of the many things I’d been practicing was talking to the Poofs and Peregrines in my head. I was getting really damned good at it. And I knew I had all of our Poofs on board because Fuzzball was in Michael’s coffin.
So I sent out a request. A rather simple one, all things considered. And, happily, results were immediate.
All the clothing Pecker and Gutermuth were wearing disappeared from their bodies.
They gaped at me. “Wow, you’re not aptly named at all, really, are you?” I said to Pecker. “Well, other than in terms of personality. And you, sir,” I said to Gutermuth, “should perhaps consider cutting back on the donuts. Spanx can only do so much, after all. And while imperfections are what make the rest of us fun and interesting, in someone as self-righteous as you are, I think it’s only right to demand perfect physical fitness to match your perfect morality and all.”
Pecker and Gutermuth tried to cover up and back up into the cemetery, but some of the kids noticed this and the human chain moved fast and blocked them. Meaning everyone could now see both of these dudes standing there butt naked.
While the kids nearest to us started to laugh, the protestors who could see this screamed in horror.
“See how God punishes the wicked?” a voice boomed over the crowd. Not a troubadour’s voice, but Oliver’s. He had a video camera trained on the scene. “God has exposed them for the charlatans they are! All who follow men such as this are more evil than any other sinner!”