Aliss at the Fire

shore falling to pieces, and she didn’t have the strength to do it herself, no the boat just lay there for maybe a year and then the two boys from the neighboring farm came and asked if they could burn the boat for their Midsummer’s Day fire, and of course they could, she thinks, and then the boys burned the boat, and then the boat was gone too, and she mustn’t think about that, she can’t bear it, she thinks, no she mustn’t think about that, she can’t bear it, she can’t think about that, she thinks, and she never really fully understood him, not from the first time she met him, she thinks, and maybe that was why she felt so close to him, from the first time they saw each other, when he came walking up to her, with his long black hair, and from then on, and up until now, or in any case until he was gone, it had been the two of them, she thinks, and why was it like that? why? what ties two people together? or at least tied her to him, and he, well yes he was tied to her, him too, but maybe not quite as much as she was tied to him, but still, yes, yes, tied together, they were, of course they were, he to her, she to him, but maybe she was more tied to him than he was to her, that may well be, but does that mean anything? no why think something like that? she thinks, because he did stay with her after all, he didn’t leave, he stayed here with her, right up until he just disappeared, she thinks, he was with her, from the first time she saw him come walking up, and then he looked at her, and she just stood there, and they looked at each other, smiled at each other, and it was as though they were old friends, as though they had always known each other, in a way, just that it had been such an immeasurably long time since they had last seen each other, and that’s why they were so happy, to see each other again made them both so happy that happiness took over and steered them, it steered them to each other, as though this was something that was gone, that had been missing their whole lives, but now it was here, at last, it was here now, that’s how it felt then, that first time they met, completely by accident, and it wasn’t hard, it wasn’t frightening, no, it was like it was obvious, like there was nothing to do about it, it was certain, somehow, and whether she said or did one thing or another it was kind of like it didn’t make any difference, it happened the way it was meant to happen, it had all been decided in advance, she thinks, yes, yes that’s how it was, there was nothing to do about it, but it took its time of course, he wasn’t exactly a hothead after all, and she wasn’t either, and they somehow didn’t need to be either, it was there, and it was the way it was, whether they did anything or didn’t do anything, she thinks, but eventually at some point there was a letter from him, a letter came, and he wrote how hard it had been to find out her address, wrote a little about day-to-day life, not much more than that, just a couple words, a few short ordinary words, no big words in any case, but it was enough, he didn’t need anything more, and she answered, yes of course she did, and it was a little embarrassing to think about the letter she sent, she thinks, because even if he didn’t really know what to make of big words she did, she wrote big words, but she can’t think about that, because if there was one thing he didn’t like it was big words, they just lied and covered things up, those big words, they didn’t let what really was live and breathe but just carried it off into something that wanted to be big, that’s what he thought, and that’s how he was, he liked the things that didn’t want to be big, she thinks, in life, in everything, and that’s how it was with his boat too, a little wooden boat, a little rowboat, that this, this, Johannes, yes that was his name, the old man, this Johannes in the Bay had built, and you couldn’t really trust either of them, the boatbuilder or the boat he built, and maybe, no she mustn’t think that, she thinks and she sees herself standing there in front of the window and looking out and then she sees, lying there on the bench, Aliss take Kristoffer off her breast and he cries a little and then he falls asleep in Aliss’s arms and then she sees Aliss pull her smock down and Aliss stands up with Kristoffer in her arms and she opens the door to the bedroom and then Aliss goes in and shuts the door behind her and then she looks at herself standing there in front of the window and looking out the window and now she can’t stand here anymore, she thinks, standing there in front of the window, she can’t just stay standing here in front of the window, because he’s not coming back, she has to do something, she has to sit down, put more wood in the stove, she can’t stay standing here in any case, she thinks, because now he’ll probably be home right away, she thinks, yes of course, the weather is too bad for him to stay out, and he can’t just stay out on the fjord all night either, and if only you could trust that boat of his, because that boatbuilder, the old man, he was never entirely healthy, and how could you be if you spent your whole life standing there in a barn nailing boats together, nailing day in and day out until eventually there’s a boat, a little wooden boat, a rowboat, fifteen feet long, maybe sixteen, and narrow, and pointed in front and in back, fore and aft, and thin, just a thin hull between the person sitting in the boat and the water, the waves, the depths of the fjord, the immeasurable depths, it’s over three thousand feet from the surface, from here where there’s light and darkness and air, down down down into the fjord until there is a kind of floor on the bottom. And then these thin planks of the boat, three to a side, between the man in the boat and the water and the great darkness below him, and then the waves, like the time she was with him in the boat and a wave crashed in over the side, no, no, she can’t think about it, she thinks and she sees the rain running down the window, and she can’t see anything out the window, just darkness, and then there’s this wind, blowing and blowing, and that the weather today could have changed like this, it was so calm and brown and slow enough earlier today, but now the wind is blowing and it’s raining, like something evil, she thinks, and if he could just come home now, this waiting, always this waiting, she must like it, she must like to wait, she thinks and she sees, lying there on the bench, herself walk across the room, to the hall door, and she sees herself stop there, stand there in the middle of the room and stare emptily into space, and this, that she always sees herself, she thinks, she can hardly do anything else, that everything that was should still be there, exactly as it was, yes, yes, it doesn’t help to think about it, she thinks and then she sees him before her, how he came walking up to her, the slightly bent way he walks, the long black hair, suddenly he was just there, just stood there, and it was as though he had always been there, and now, and, yes, ever since then that was just how it was, and there was nothing to do about it, it was as though there was no way to get away from it, because she’s tried, of course, she’s tried, she thought this and thought that, did this and did that, and no matter what she did or didn’t do it was still more and more just the two of them, as though there was nothing the will could do, and the same with him, he also wanted and didn’t want, he tried as much as he could to get free of it but then, yes, then everything stayed how it was and how it had always been, she thinks, and she can’t just stay lying here like this, she thinks, she has to get up, stand up, she has to do something, she can’t just stay lying here on the bench, she thinks and she sees herself standing there in the room and looking emptily into space and then she sees herself go over to the hall door and she sees herself take hold of the door handle and she sees herself stand there with her hand on the door handle and she thinks, standing there holding the door handle, why hasn’t he come home? and always the same thing, waiting, waiting, but he’s been gone such a long time, can’t he come soon, she thinks and she lets go of the door handle and she sees, lying there on the bench, herself go over to the window again and she sees herself stop and then she’s standing there again and looking out the window and she thinks that now he really has to come home soon and he thinks damn, the water is so rough now, and damn, the tide is so high, he thinks standing there on the pier, the weather is as terrible as it can be, he thinks, the tide is high, so high that whenever a wave came in it crashed over the pier and up over his boots, and his boat is rocking up and down out there in the waves, so high that it seems like the boat will tip over, it tips up so high and then so far down that it seems like the next wave will crash in over the bow and fill the boat, it goes so far down, before it goes up again, and again, and yet again, but if the water gets much rougher now then he doesn’t see how it could turn out all right, he thinks and he turns around and he thinks that he’d better just go back home, there’s nothing he can do about it anyway, he thinks, but the weather isn’t really that bad, is it? it’s windy, that’s true, but does that really matter? and the boat sure is good, it would hold up well even in this weather, he thinks, so maybe he should go out onto the fjord for a while today too, because the boat is good, yes, he thinks, it would stand up to these waves too, he thinks, yes why not? why shouldn’t he go out for a while? he thinks and he walks out to the end of the pier and the waves crash up over his boots and he unties the mooring lines and he starts to pull the boat in, just a little while, he needs just a little while out in the waves and in the wind and in the rain, and in the darkness, he thinks and he needs to be careful, so that the boat doesn’t crash against the pier, he thinks and he carefully pulls the boat in and then he grabs hold of the stern with one hand and puts one foot down in the bow and then the next foot and then he is on board and the waves rock him and the boat up and down and he shoves off and he takes an oar in his hands and he pushes the oar against the pier and he shoves off and he unties the stern line and up and down rocks the boat there in the darkness and he sits down on the middle seat and he puts out the oars and he rows as hard as he can against the waves and it goes well, the boat goes up and down in the waves, and he rows as hard as he can and the boat starts moving forward, sluggishly, quietly, slowly, up and down, there in the waves, up and down, but forward, it’s moving, and the boat moves out across the fjord, out farther and farther, in the wind, in the rain, and even though the darkness is dense and thick around him in a weird way it’s not dark, he thinks, because the fjord is shining black and then it’s not really that cold, he is wearing his thick black sweater after all, and he is keeping warm from rowing, he thinks and he looks back over his shoulder and there, up ahead, far away there, there near the middle of the fjord, what is that over there? doesn’t it look like a fire? but it, no it can’t be! he thinks and he rests on the oars and right away the waves carry him so fast toward land that he starts to row again and he looks back over his shoulder and there and yes he is sure of it, he thinks, that’s a fire there, it looks like a fire in any case and a big fire too, and yes yes, yes, it’s burning out there, there in the middle of the fjord, he thinks and he keeps rowing and he looks in toward shore and there, there up on the shore there, there, isn’t that Grandma standing there? isn’t Grandma standing there and looking out across the fjord? no really, really! he thinks, no he doesn’t understand anything, he thinks, and he sets to his oars, and now he’ll just row over to where this thing like a fire is, he thinks, and now she is surely standing there in front of the window waiting for him and he thinks that he loves her so much and she thinks that now she really does have to go look for him, she thinks, standing there in front of the window and looking out into the darkness, and that she’s just like that, she just has to stand here in front of the window all the time, she thinks and she looks out into the darkness and she sees a fire, there in the middle of the fjord, a pale purple fire, there’s a pale purple fire out there in the middle of the darkness there out on the fjord now, she thinks and she sees the rain running down over the windowpane and he’s staying out so long, she thinks, and she really does need to go look for him? she thinks, now she really needs to go out, she needs to go look for him? she thinks, because why hasn’t he come home yet? he doesn’t usually stay out on the water so long? well, yes, he does, a lot, yes, it’s happened pretty often, so then why is she hanging around worrying? nothing is out of the ordinary, everything is the same as always, there’s nothing special about today, she thinks, but still it’s strange, and what is she supposed to do if he doesn’t come home? she could just go look for him, she thinks, go down to the boathouse, to the pier, but the weather is just so nasty outside, it’s raining and the wind is blowing and it’s late in the fall, a day in late November, and it’s cold, it’s a Tuesday in late November, and he’ll be home soon enough, she’s just worrying, she thinks, but, yes, she knows herself, no, now she has to just pull herself together, she thinks, everything is the way it should be, and he’ll be home soon enough now, she thinks, she’s just worrying, it’s just, it’s, no, she thinks, and she can’t just stay standing like that, she can just go out, go down to the fjord and look for him, she thinks and she sees, lying there on the bench, herself go over to the hall door and she opens it and at the moment the door opens and she sees herself go out she sees a boy come in and she sees the door shut again and then she sees the boy go over to the window and stop and then he stands there and looks out the window and the boy must be six or seven years old, she thinks, he’s a little kid, she thinks and then she sees the hall door open and a man, tall and thin, and lanky, and with long black hair, and a thin black beard, comes in and then he stands there and he looks sort of pretend-strict and he holds one hand behind his back and then a woman comes in, short, dark, thin, with long black hair, she looks a little like she herself looks, and she shuts the door again after her and the man with the beard winks at the woman and the man and the woman both look at the boy and he turns around to face them, and he looks at them with such big eyes, and they both smile at him